The new normal

"Look up" He said, and amazingly enough, I did.












I think one reason that I don't feel the need to write more is that my life is calm. The storms that raged in my inner landscape have abated and there is calm there. So the tendency is to think that nothing is happening and it seems there is nothing to say. There are no emotional upheavals forcing words out the way lava is forced out of a volcano. (that's a very good analogy)

Maybe that's true. Why talk when there is nothing to say.

It's bothered me a little because it seems as if my passion for God left with the problems. Not true. Actually much of what seemed to be passion for God was, I think, that pursuit of the wholeness I feel now.

I finally got it and now I have to learn to be it and allow that new expression of my love for God find its way out.

What a problem to have.

Roots of Performance Orientation

I have known for a loooong time that I am a performance oriented person. Not a perfectionist. I won't go into my ideas about perfectionism but I know I'm not that.

I got some insight from a friend this weekend about how I came to be this way. (And it's kinda funny that in conversation with my cohort here at work this morning she commented that I am so hard on myself. I told her I was working on that.)

So yesterday Larry and I spend the day watching the video by Paul Hegstrom (you know, the one about the mind and how we have to build a new axon when we want to change) with some friends. I say the day because we also had lunch and had to pause the dvd at least a thousand times to talk about what we were hearing. It was great.

In the process I shared the nutshell version of my history with depression and J picked up on something I said about my parents requiring so little of us.

They set no boundaries. They set no standards and there was no instruction concerning the reasonable setting of standards. Whatever standards were there were there by default by reason of society and school, etc. But Mom and Dad did not require of us so - let me just stop saying us here and focus on me - I performed at a mediocre level. I suppose I knew in some place in me that I could do better but as long as I was passing in school, not getting into trouble, etc. then I guess I thought that was it. It was good enough.

Maybe good enough would have translated just fine into the future events and circumstances of my life if not for the next big piece of the puzzle. Religion. Church life. A works oriented existence for the next ? years.

I became a Christian at 19 and suddenly I had around me a culture of high standards - at least ideally if not always in actuality. What my friend saw yesterday was that since no boundaries/standards had ever been set for me when it came time for me to set them myself I set them higher than I could possibly achieve. In my mind the Christian was to be living "right" or at least pursuing "right" living. And that "right" living was all about the doing. I thought that what God wanted me to be was a doer. I was quite willing to do what ever it took to be that doer. So I tried and I tried against all odds and always, always feeling my failure. I could not possibly have succeeded according to my standards.

So instead of just enjoying life I was always trying to make it something else, something more and I thought - better. Always striving for myself and my family to reach some "higher level" of something. Not only did I not know how to judge myself correctly - with grace and mercy as Father does - I did not judge my children or my marriage with grace and mercy either.

I understand, now, my Father's grace and mercy as he watches me in my life. I feel that same grace and mercy towards my children now. I still struggle to feel it towards myself. I think I am going to have to have a sit down with Jesus and work this out that way.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Haven't we all heard that one.

I think I now have my answer..... Grown up - as in mature - as in something more than just capable of functioning in the adult world but truly mature.

I was raised to be a child by parents who I now believe had to grow up too fast because of their life circumstances. I remember Mom telling me to be a child as long as I could because once you are an adult you are an adult for the rest of your life. So true but not as simple as it sounds.

I've been reviewing some of the things that God has taught me over the years about maturity.

The focus of what he has shown me thus far is that maturing is a process that centers around responsibility. Chronologically you are going to be certain ages in order. And in the normal course of life our responsibility level grows as we age. Certainly our society expects us to be able to behave like adults - or at least to function as adults. Either our parents/guardians, or somebody or..... nobody..... is going to teach us how to do what we must do to function in the society we live in.

Another thing I believe I have seen is that if we skip a few years by having to grow up too quickly or because of trauma or whatever - he will bring us back - one way or another - to experience that age. There were things we were to receive there and he wants us to have them.

Now this is not just coming out of my own head (brilliant tho I may be) - the teachings of some of the teachers I've mentioned in past posts have played a big part in my own understanding. I love having Paul Hegstrom in the mix because of how he has been able to see us as physical beings living and growing in harmony with a soul and a spirit.

But our minds and spirits need the process of maturing also. Too often in this world that process is denied. I know I'm talking about me but I'm also looking at the world around me - the world by which I cannot CANNOT judge myself because then I could say that I'm probably OK. I've spent some time with others - call it "ministering" or "counseling" or just "being an ear or a shoulder" and I know that there are more than me who struggle with life. I'm told that God is forming in me the nature of Christ. As I understand more about his nature then I can rightly judge what is going on with me. Thank God that along with that comes a growing understanding of his grace.

How many are thrust into adult situations with out any ability what ever to process what is happening. When adult life began really crashing into my makebelieveworld I was 17 chronologically and I was as smart as the next person - but I was much, much, much younger on the inside than that. I had walked through life without touching it - with very little being required of me. Though I was 17 years old, and CAPABLE of doing the things that life began to require of me, I really didn't know how to handle it. From the beginning of my adult life I handled it badly.

I've spent a fair share of time being kinda angry at my Mom and Dad. I'm not an advocate of blaming the parents but I know you have to look at where you came from to figure out where you are now and to perhaps change course for the future. A period of anger is part of any course of grief over loss. Then - not long ago - a friend related what Father had spoken to her about her own mother. I won't tell that story because it's not mine to tell - but I did begin to see Mom and Dad's philosophy of child raising in a different light and I took into account the little town they grew up in and the circumstances that affected them. Like I said, I think they had to grow up quickly and had pressures placed on them that they didn't want on their children.

They reacted. The pendulum swung all the way to the other side. Nothing done with any evil intent - just doing what seemed right. Good people who provided me with a home that I always felt safe in.

I love them and I want to honor them by being the best me that I can be. I don't think they would be upset about my processing all this this way - remember they now see what I can't. When I think of them sometimes and especially when I have worried about how they might feel about my working through all this (it's really taken years and who knows if I'm finished) I remember where they are and that their understanding is no longer limited by humanity and I feel like they are cheering me on because I know that I know they always wanted a good life for me. I feel like they're on my side.

I'm 50+ish now and am going back to some places inside myself so the little girl can grow up. I'm still functioning in the real world - you know, work and whatever else but mostly work now. But I'm getting understanding about the reasons why some of the things I do - reactions - are what they are.

Very thankful and feeling peace.

Last night and the night before Larry and I watched a video by Dr. Paul Hegstrom about the brain and how it works and how it renews and what happens when we make a decision to start a new thing or to change a habit, etc.

Amazing how God made us and how involved our physical bodies are in the transformation process. And it helps to explain why it's not easy. It takes three years for a new axon to be fully formed in the brain. And the old axon containing data about the old way will even try to absorb the new one. So we're trying to change and our very brain matter is fighting against it.

In a previous post I said that I felt as though I'd been asleep for 50 years and am just now waking up. Maybe another way to put that feeling is that I feel like I've gone back to being a child. And I believe this has been God's setup. When I turned 50 I knew that I knew that there was more going on than more wrinkles and gray hair. In God's economy 50 is the year of Jubilee - the year of starting over. I've started over and I feel it as I walk through my land and I'm going through a stage - yes a stage - of childhood. How strange. Last night's conversation - prompted by the video - was about taking another look at the homes we grew up in - our parents - events - those vague things you remember and have heard about that time down through the years.

Pieces of a puzzle being brought to their places. The fragmented soul being called back to itself.

As I said, I willingly embrace this journey. I can trust my Father now.

It begins again

The healing journey that is.

Wow.

Wow. Wow.

I knew when God touched that deep place in me that prevented me from trusting him that it was not the last thing to be dealt with. It's just that I had to go there in order to go where I'm going now.

So many thoughts and feelings are running through me. These days since moving into the apartment have become very strange as new and different sensations have moved through me. I didn't know what to think of some of them. I have said and done things out of some hidden places within myself that leave me once again not feeling too great about myself. Tears come anytime of the day. The old triggers are still active.

At this point I just can't do details or explanations.

I feel so tired right now.

I want to blog about this. I haven't been able to pull thoughts together to write. I don't want to retreat inside myself. I acknowledge that blogging is a way to keep my door open and still keep myself in a safe place. I still need that.

God, once again, in his amazing wisdom and timing has brought information that speaks to this place and time of my transformation journey. He's really good that way. And there is so much that can help us to understand.

I'm so thankful for such people as John and Paula Sanford, Arthur Burk and now Paul Hegstrom who have shared the understanding of our spirit, soul and body that God has given them with all who wish to listen.

It seems we begin with the question - What's going on with me. And there is confusion and a host of emotions that seem to have no explanation. In my past this would be a point of no return - a spiral into the black hole of despair.

But not today. Today I'm thankful for the teaching Larry and I just listened to about our brain, and memories and reactions and responses and triggers and the actual physical renewing of the mind; the death of the old man as the new one emerges.

I willing take this walk with my Father. I know things will be better at the end of this path. And now I'm not afraid.

Micro self examination

A strange a funny place this is.

I'm sure there is a reason for it.

It seems my pendulum has swung from one side all the way to the other.

What I mean is - when I was growing up I was truly oblivious to the world around me and to myself also. I never really stopped to think about things much. I didn't question things. Now I do. I think about a lot of things and I think sometimes I come across like the absent minded professor but the deal is that I may not be paying attention to what others are because I'm thinking about something or noticing something.

I like this micro self examination right now in spite of any pitfalls. Maybe in time I will increase in my ability to do mental multi-tasking.

Three things come to mind right now from this weekend that are that sort of me looking at me thing.

** Saturday afternoon we took the grand girls down to the pool. (Unbelievable that Xandra is turning 12 and Schigh will be 14 in a few months!!!!!) As I was talking with a couple of ladies that I met just then we noticed a young guy with his guitar just outside the pool area. I was told that he had lived in the apartments for a while and often came down to the pool are to play his guitar. He came in later and I watched him walk. I couldn't imagine doing my "growing" where people could actually watch me. He was home, among people he knew - people who had been watching him grow up and learn the guitar. People who had shared some of his growing up years.

Suddenly I was very aware of how hidden my life had been and how - by comparison - much of it was on display now and I was living in closer contact with people than ever before. To go to the pool in a complex like this is not the same as having one in my back yard and this would be my preference just because I'm me. Even to walk around with my camera is to do so knowing that people see me. Somehow a yard with it's legal boundaries gave me a sense of privacy and aloneness. I've thought of this as I would go down to the car for something and I'm not dressed nice and don't have my makeup on and I'm hoping no one sees me. It's easier to do that when you have a yard and a drive way but in these apartments I can't hide my self so easily. I don't want to be on company manners and appearances all the time so I'm working on this.

I've started wearing my hair in a ponytail a lot. Something I've always done when alone but I would take it down to answer the door just because I that not the way I wanted to be seen. LOL

I had a feeling - when Larry and I ended up in an apartment - that God was going to immerse us in community in a different way. I've expected this to be a different experience and I'm keeping my heart open to receive both the lessons and the people themselves in the way that needs to be. I'm walking slowly as I get to know my neighbors and trying not to make any assumptions.

So I'm very aware of this process and that's why I'm calling it micro examination. Me examining me as I think others might see me. Me examining my surroundings whether people or events.

**The second incidence had to do with a response that came out of me to someone else. I'm not going to tell the story but just say that it was a moment (afternoon actually) as I processed a response that I didn't feel very good about. But I was very aware of living "closer" to this someone than before and the push/pull of a growing organism called a relationship. Being more involved in the actual "life" of a couple of people who already have a relational history with each other. I'm welcome there but I have to learn how to let some past things go and function in the actuality of what it is now.

**The third thing is cooking. I'm sort of a hit and miss cook. You can get a good meal or a bad meal or anything in between at my house but I like to do it, I guess, because my love language is acts of service and I find in me this desire to cook for people and feed them. So I've started doing that and it's turned out OK but not top job. Not like what I have in my heart to do. So this is a place that fits in to my learning/growing in community dynamic. I see and feel that as I do it. I think I'll grow in my abilities and I'll find that thing that is my expression in this area. But I'll know in my heart that serving up a meal is more than the sum of what you see on the table.

This self examination of my self is not new as I've been doing this since the beginning of my healing journey which began in the mid 90's. But it is different. I believe the focus now is not so much on how God heals a person but how he transforms a person.

Also....

I believe there is a focus on how he is transforming people into communities and communities into his body. I'm actually fascinated as I observe this process. I cannot define any of it but it's like various cells in the body are are becoming bones, muscle, sinew, etc. which are coming together to form arms, legs, etc. which will then find their places with others and come together to form this one living, breathing, earth touching, being. And I'm sure there are more phases than that. He has shown me this big picture more than once over the years in different ways. I just happen to be the organism that is under the microscope during this phase of the evolutionary process of understanding. I happen to be the one that I can look at most closely.

So if I seem to be too navel gazing for comfort - well - I probably am. But I'm not going to stop this process and being this way. I believe it is God's expression in my life. It is a way that He talks to me and reveals himself to me.

I've had friends down through the years who were always looking to other people or other places for the "move of God" that they wanted to get into. For many years I have felt that the greatest move of God that I could be in was the one happening in my own life. I felt that I didn't have to go anywhere else for this. I guess maybe I've missed out on seeing God in other ways in the earth because of this but I'd still rather know that my own life is where I find him most intensely.

Yeah - I'm definitely OK with this even with it's weirdness.

New Life in the Garden

Last week a conversation. Us and our daughter. Language Barriers interfered with the making of plans. We said.... She heard.... and there was missed opportunity and there was hurt.

Last night a conversation. Me and my daughter. Language Barriers began to be overcome. Understanding came. Can't undo what is - that gets consigned to opportunities missed.

Last night beauty came from the dying of old thought patterns - old behavior patterns. New life for the future.

Newness springs from the detritus of the old and grows in the fractal/garden of our life.

Death and Loss and Beauty

These pictures were taken in Kansas City, during that period of time when the weather was thinking about spring but all around was the signs of death from the winter. I had gone out that day because the temperature was bearable and I had cabin fever. I went to a favorite park to what I could see.

Among many other beautiful or interesting things I saw these leaves - these brown curls holding strong to their limbs - not yet ousted by the new.

last years leaves making one last statement about their own beauty

So is death beautiful?

OR

Can anything beautiful be found in that place?

We all experience death.

Sometimes our people die. People we love. My parents did and even though sometimes I wish they were still here - there was much beauty to be found in that place before the new had even begun to spring forth.

Two of the most amazing experiences of my life.
























There are other deaths that we deal with also. The death of a dream or a plan or a hope.

Not to mention that for some hope is lost entirely. I don't know that there is any beauty to be found there because to lose hope entirely is to give up on God and every other possibility.

It does happen.
























But the death of dreams is a common one, I believe, in the world of humans. We live for dreams. We are told to dream and never stop dreaming and, you know, "it's never too late".

I have found that there is beauty to be found at such times. If those dreams are not founded on reality - if they are houses built on sand and not on the Rock then they need to die.

I have found it hard to let some dreams die. Especially the ones having to do with family. But sometimes you must let the dreams go just like you let the people go when they die. I am experiencing this type of death in my natural fractal/garden even as I am experiencing new life in a spiritual fractal/garden.





















The beauty I see in this death is that it releases life that needs to come forth.

Here is where trusting God and his ways is most important - and where the great struggle of so many years of my life has been.....there is a period of time in which no life can be seen. If beauty is going to be found at all it must be found in the moment - even the moment of death.

Father told me in 2004 that I would learn to live in the present moment. So I must live in the place where I see only the dried up remains of what was.

I need to open my eyes to see what a nice color the brown is. I need to look close enough to really see the curls. I need to stop long enough to appreciate the unique shape of each leaf - each group of leaves.

There is a verse that speaks of us seeing the face of God without a veil over our face. Looking fully into his face and being transformed in that moment. I heard this scripture quoted the most during the days of the soaking meetings where we would get together and sit in the presence of God and worship. Those were good times.

But I found that being able to see the face of God in the types of things that would be symbolized by the dead leaves are the transforming times of my life.

So I live in this present moment, acknowledging my grief until God's touch can completely heal it, but no longer fighting for my dream.

Time to let go - even where I love.

After the moment

Monday morning. My last post was written on Friday. I'm amazed still at how cathartic writing can be. It's a way to organize your thoughts. It helps you win in the battleground of your mind. After I published my post I very quickly began to feel better, once again above and not below these circumstances. Part of that I know comes from stopping to actually look at what's happening. Over the years I've found that as long as my enemy stays hidden he retains a power over me. Recognition is an important part of the process of getting free.

Smart me to stop and examine what was happening. Smart me to listen to the promptings of my spirit. I just didn't like doing that knowing that people would be reading it - at least not that time. I re-read my post this morning and even though it doesn't sound so bad - certainly no worse than others I've written - it felt worse because I was in the moment. I do still try to remember to be lifegiving with whatever I write. In times past my rants and tirades were anything but lifegiving.

I'm very thankful at this moment for all that Holy Spirit has taught me over the last 15 (?) years. It started with spiritual warfare intercession and then went to deliverance then inner healing. I have ministered some of this to others but I will forever maintain that it's purpose was really because the God who created me wanted to set ME free and transform ME. What I can do for others I will but I'm not looking to be the "doctor" for what is happening in someone else's life. I'd rather be teacher - the one who teaches them how to fish as it were - so that they can then LIVE this reality. Actually that's not correct either. Holy Spirit is our Teacher, Counselor, Guide and works in us with the Strength he worked in Jesus to raise him from the dead to raise us from death to life. If anything I would be His assistant. Freely I have received - freely I would give.

See, I never take my mental and emotional wholeness for granted. I am what I am. He didn't fix me. He has taught me how to LIVE above. The principles of the kingdom are not for ooooing and aaahhhing over at the latest conference or for having someone else DO them so you can be the receiver. They are for us to learn, live and become something other than earthly beings.

Father has fathered me and he knew that I needed to be called to account in many areas so that I would grow - become more mature and take responsibility where appropriate and rightly divide the responsibility so that I could then reject false responsibility. We are in fact still working on these things. I know there is more to come. I know that there is still within me some inappropriate grief over the issues of my life. Here is an incident of understanding what is appropriate and what is not. Nothing wrong with grief and God does sometimes require that one live with pain - think Jacob and Paul and Joseph and Abraham and, and, and. But there is a grief that is not from him and I think some of that still rules over me where my life is concerned. Any yet I may have lived exactly the life that God chose for me. My son lives a life very different that what I would have planned for him. And yet he may be living what God would have notwithstanding some things that could be tweaked. But who am I to decide what would need to be tweaked and what would not? God said to me once concerning him that "he would walk in unusual places". So he may be walking where God wants him to walk. He is a grown man in this world. Surely God's not going to check with me on every thing he does. There are things that I was so sure of for so many years and I feel a chipping away at these things. Old statuary in the Garden. Did I build that or did You, Father?

Give me the grace to always be able to question me and to determine what is me trying to accomplish temporal purposes. Your's are eternal and your thoughts are higher than mine. Having said that I know that you are so willing to share your heart and mind with the yielded human heart and mind. Make me yielded so I can hear and see.

In the moment

I wonder if I can write this post.

Work is mostly done for the month so I sit here in the quiet of my little corner space where I am all alone. Sometimes I wish I were more a part of the life of this place but then I think maybe this was one of those little orchestrations of God to put me in a place where I - at least for a few days as month - have time and space and am locked down in a sense to a single spot so that my A D D self has to focus.

My thoughts are heavy today - it's been building up - this thought pool. I have felt it as negative thoughts have flitting across my mind - negative feelings wanting to find expression. I shoo them away but sooner or later I have to stop and think them and try to know why I'm thinking them and why my feelings are doing what they're doing and in this process to figure out if Father is trying to speak something to me or am I in intercession or both.

The garden of my little family is drawing my attention right now. That ever changing fractal.

Garden = Battleground.

War among the roses.

The fragrance of life mingles with the fragrance of death.

I'm not afraid of this feeling. In times past I would have been because of not trusting God to really care but now I know he does. But I wonder at God's orchestrations sometimes. Larry and I have been at times, in the lives of people younger than ourselves, what I would love for us to be to our own children. But then, at least in some cases, their parents aren't being what they need. God has provided for our daughter that one who can help her uproot some things and rearrange her personal garden. This is a person for her whereas for me it was a variety of teachers through books and tapes and videos and only the occasional human involvement. I can only hope that our son now has or at some point will have someone to help him with the work in his garden.

God sets the lonely in families doesn't he. And could it be that families - according to him - are actually made up differently than what we see in the natural. This is something I've pondered for years. We define family by these earthly boundaries but I wonder, and no doubt, they are real and to be observed but I do wonder if God is really seeing the same thing I'm seeing. Look anywhere in the Bible and you see that God is not necessarily functioning by the rules of family as he moves in the lives of people and places them where he wills as he works out his eternal purposes through natural avenues. It is difficult for my mother's heart to deal with this. That doesn't mean that I actually lose them but it means I don't get to be the ALL otherwise known as the mama. My goodness - my kids are in their 30s. You'd think I'd be over some of this by now. But I'm not. Ok, I'm over some of it. I'm definitely better. I'm sure this is just another layer being taken off.

This brings me to the real focal point of my thought pool. The big drip hitting the middle and sending the ripples out to the edges. (Boy I wish I had a picture for this!)

It's that saying - It's never too late. I call BS on that statement. Sometimes it is too late.

I cannot go back and be and do what I would have been and done had I known what to be and do. No parent can and for me nothing replaces that. My children will never be my babies again. I will never again have the chance to make THAT difference that the years of childhood are given for. If everything fell into place today and suddenly my family life became idyllic according to my definition of that, it would still not give me the memories I would like to have or the sense of accomplishment in this arena of life. It would not erase consequences of choices and decisions made that might have been made differently. My children would still have endured what to my mind is unnecessary pain. But is it unnecessary? I know from God's dealings with me and from my observing of those people in the Bible that suffering has great value in the kingdom. Suffering equates to precious jewels there. I accept that for me but I have trouble accepting for them.

Having said that I know that it's never to late to be as life giving to my children now as I'm able. The thing is - do they really want what I have to offer? Sometimes they do but sometimes they don't. And sometimes we have language barriers and other things that are very hard to overcome.

Sigh. By now I am fighting the battle with tears.

Ok - more processing. Take this thing apart and find the pattern.

The statements I just made are about ME. My LOSS in all this.

The pattern as I have observed it over the years is something like this...

• My spirit gets stirred as intercession for unseen/unknown issues begins. All I know is that my daughter has recently had some breakthroughs and communication with our son is at a standstill.
• My soul begins to FEEL the intercession. That intercession is very uncomfortable so my soul jumps in with it's crap because it can't stand to not be the center of attention.
• My mind gets distracted with thoughts that echo the feelings and I begin to focus on the things that are still issues with me like what I just said about it being too late, etc. In times past, when depression reigned supreme with all it's fears and lack of trust, this is the point at which I would begin to spiral down into the black hole of anger and despair.
• BUT TODAY - At this point I chuckled and that has forever been a sign of release within my spirit. It almost always happens at the point where I recognize the enemy in my soul. He only works effectively in the dark. When he is revealed then I can reject him and he looses.

Now, dear reader, please know that this is one post that I did not want to write. I did not want the door to be open. I did not want to let you in. I felt and still feel somewhat exposed in a way that I don't like. I have that feeling as though I have been in a great battle. I feel kind of tired. That is the effect of my own efforts for myself. I know that I will continue to carry this intercession for my children as long as Holy Spirit is redoing some things in the Garden.


It's one of the few times that I felt compelled to write and that the writing was more than just me working out my own issues. So let Holy Spirit be your teacher and counselor and take from this what matters to your life.

Here is hope. This is one of the good things I bring from my journey. Understanding that the new harvest begins in the detritus of the old season.

Homage to the rescuers

My daughter, Shannon, is a dog rescuer. She and a group of friends at work and elsewhere have pretty much formed their own organization and they go to great lengths and sometimes expense to rescue dogs.

It's been a very interesting journey of understanding to have been touched by this since I lived with her for a year.

I am not a dog rescuer myself. At least not at the level of some. My contribution tends to be forwarding emails and being a part of the communication network. Larry has a cat named Honey and I know myself well enough to know that at this time in my life I don't want the responsibility of taking care of an animal. Maybe at a later time but I will know for sure that I want to do the work required. Better for the animal that way. Would that more of us thought it through before trying to take on the responsibility of another life, be it animal or human.

It's encouraging to see how many people are interested in rescuing animals. At the apartments where I now live several people, when introducing their dogs, have mentioned that they were rescue dogs.

Animal rescue makes the news even with whales, dolphins, wild animals of all sorts coming to the notice of someone and eventually to the notice of the larger world.

Today I forwarded an email about a local shelter preparing to "put down" several animals. Sad and I felt the overwhelming need of this world for being rescued.

How sad that they need rescuing at all. But as long as there is broken, wounded humanity there will be some part of this creation groaning. What a picture that is forming in my mind as I think of that scripture which speaks of the earth groaning under the weight of sin. Every animal, especially the domesticated ones which are SOO dependent upon humans to care for them, that is abused or neglected is a spotlight on the brokenness of God's greatest creation - the human being.

How we need him.

I thank you Father, for ALL THOSE in this world who will give their resources of time, emotions, money, space to rescue the animals and humans in this world who desperately need SOMEONE to care. These are the people through whom your redemptive heart shines. Your light shines in the darkness even though the darkness does not comprehend it. We cannot all do all things. We cannot all care for the same group but if we are all caring about someone/some animal/some issue somewhere then the world will continue to hear your voice and feel your warmth. Thank you that your expression is not confined to times and places and rituals. This is you revealing yourself in your diversity and finding places in the darkness to shine.

The world will not stop groaning til God in his timing sends the Son to release, redeem and restore it.

Till then I pray all these intercessors will be energized with the VITALITY and LIFE FORCE that is CHRIST WITHIN US to be lifegiving where you can to whatever degree that you can.

Faith and Trust

"I look for faith that immediately lays to rest the doubts of the day as they arise." Two Listeners aka God Calling.

I spent many years having faith in a God that I did not trust. I awoke to every new day with faith in God - faith that he existed, that he was my savior. I live a certain life because of faith in him.

I also awoke each day without any trust. My faith did extend to his goodness because his goodness did not seem to extend to me. There fore I did not trust him even tho I had faith in him. To have faith in him is his own gift to us. To trust him is our gift to him? Yet we can't even trust him unless he sets us free from the fear that he won't take care of us.

To have a faith that immediately lays to rest the doubts of the day I must know and trust in the aspect of his nature that is his goodness.

I have understood and accepted that he is good without truly feeling it. I have stated it and declared it without feeling it. That is faith I think. But I wouldn't say that I woke up feeling that kind of faith. Perhaps for some it is that easy. Certainly if those are his words then it must be easy.

I think it probably is easy for the one who has come to know him as a God who can be trusted. Faith and trust are so close and yet they are not the same. Perhaps it is that neither can find full expression without the other.

A Quote about Love

"Being IN LOVE is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling... Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go... But, of course, ceasing to be "in love" need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from "being in love" — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriage) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God... "Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."

- C.S. Lewis

Isn't it funny the windey way that things come to us. My hubby had sent me someone else's blog post to read and I went looking around in their blog site and saw this. I felt that it was very very fitting for Larry and me and our life at this particular moment in time as it seems that almost our whole life has been about dealing with issues presently are working on some things - again. I love the way love is expressed here. We were definitely in love when we first married (and still are) but we were too young and too too not ready and we had to deal with the stuff of life without knowing how that was supposed to be done. For the last several years we've been harvesting some fruit that is not what we would have chosen to grow had we understood that there was some choosing of seed and choices in cultivation methods that needed to be done . Being in love is not what has kept us together and growing all these years. It's the "quieter love" that has made it work. When we understood that there was some choosing to do we began to choose to love. To stay and keep staying. To fight, each in our own way, for something that is larger than ourselves - for a legacy of life and love - that hopefully will affect positively the generations to come after us.

We cannot do this without choosing that "other" love.

Chosen love - stronger - life producing - even fierce.

Being in love is a wonderful thing, for sure. But I believe that it is very fragile and shallow ultimately. I believe that this kind of love can be destroyed and often is. The quieter love can be destroyed also but it's much harder to do and when both are choosing this love then there is every reason to believe that answers can be found and changes can be made and a life can be lived that brings fulfillment to all concerned.

Unsettled Me

This morning is a little crazy. The work for this month has not yet begun and I have time for myself. The nature of the work here allows for a few days of "downtime". Little projects are taken care of but mostly it's kinda relaxed, especially for me, since my work is very focused on one thing.

I like this down time really. I try to use it to good benefit for myself personally and even getting a little training in things that really don't affect me. I just like to know stuff.

But Today I am restless. I'm wondering why. My last post spoke of God dealing in our family and I'm sure it has something to do with that because I thought about a time/circumstance when I would usually be calm and I really wasn't - I was more animated than I like to be.. you know.. that kind of animation when you're talking and then later on you start second guessing and I really shouldn't be that way because it's shades of role playing but still.....

I still seem to be that way. I've been reading blogs and news and photography stuff this morning and just jumping from one thing to another like I'm in a hurry and usually I'm sort of following a routine but it just seems like I want to do SO MUCH all right now and like I'm afraid I'm going to miss something and usually am not worried about missing anything. So I just want my insides to relax. relax. relax. Slowdown. Stop thinking about everything. It's that feeling like I need to be doing something and my mind starts reaching for things and people beyond my own daily sphere even and that will really wear me out. Like everybody depends on hearing from me and like I can just bring order everywhere - or something - I don't know.

The pendulum of feeling goes over here and then it goes over there and I feel both sides of an issue or idea and that doesn't work for me at all - I'm used to living in the place of knowing where I stand.

Just somehow it seems like I didn't quite start this day out right.

Kinda crazy so help me out here blog writing process. Bring order as I talk to myself through you and think what to do until the statements arrive and my day is ordered by my work. The only critical thing is to be and remember that my being is in Jesus and he is in me and all is truly well in my world. Pick one thing for this day and focus there.

OK

Family.... sigh

I love the effect people have on me when they say something about my blogging. I don't really do this for people as much as I do it for myself but when someone says something it's like a nudge from God himself. In an email a friend just sticks a little line in there and says "keep blogging". I don't really know if he said that because i haven't blogged in a few days or if he's just being generally encouraging. But I answered and said that if I blogged it would look something like this....

Family.....sigh.

God is Good.

Then, of course, I decided that I should blog this. My mind has been much on real time family dynamics the last few days. I've touched a little on family and what I believe God is doing in mine. I tried to find the post where I talked about the book The Shack and how through an illustration in that book I can see my family as a fractal - a garden - ever changing.

In the book Mac is with Sariyu (spelling?) who is Holy Spirit and they go out to work in a garden and in that garden many things are being pulled up and gotten rid of, other things are being moved around and other things are being planted. Hard work. Things being dug up by the roots - deep roots. In the book that garden - which Sariyu calls a fractal - is Mac's life.

That's how I see my little family at this point in time. Sometimes Holy Spirit lets everything rest then suddenly he says Hmmmm I think we need to do something with this and that and well, this other affects that other so we need to do something here.

I embrace this process as the Goodness of God at work in the midst of broken humanity. Our humanity. Individual transformation journeys spilling over onto other's transformation journeys.

And I sigh - there's work involved here.

And I say - God is Good and his promises are yea and amen.

Thinking Thankful

Yesterday I read a Lady's blog and she talked about her own experience of coming to that place of realizing that though her personality and character and thoughts tend to be dark and, well, she used the term saturnine saying "the dark side of the moon is always welcoming to me". Larry sent me this blog to read because in her own way this Lady had come to the conclusion that it was OK to be this way. She, like me, fought it for years and the fighting of it only made it worse. As she put it "writhing and twisting and rejecting it as something broken about my humanity". That's the way I had felt for so long. As though I were deformed or something.

Jesus spoke to that unbelieving place in my heart and said "I'm not trying to fix you". Then I understood that he was comfortable with me and I stopped trying to be what I wasn't and started learning to be who I am.

Today I'm so thankful for that moment in time. I'm thankful for the peace that I live in as I wait with the Lord for Larry's work to materialize and to finally be settled in a home of my own. My present situation would have been more than I could bear in times past because things have not worked out "right". Sometimes I shop the real estate markets to see what's out there and yes I dream of possibilities and there are things I know I can't do til I am in my own place but as never before in my life I feel grounded in the reality of today. This present moment. In KC God spoke a word to me and said that I would learn to live in the reality of the present moment. I seem to be achieving that -- for the most part (we make no assumptions still).

I don't know anymore if I am truly a Saturnine type person or not. I probably am but I have learned some keys about staying in the light. Interesting.....I learned one day that staying in the light in the natural world was a key. If I was depressed I could get out in the sunshine or even open the curtains and soon I would be feeling better. Same for the spirit. Stay in the light.

Even so - this is not to discount the darker side and the thoughts and perceptions that come from that. There is a reality there that is just as valid. Unchecked it can be dangerous. It can be destructive. It is very heavy and hard to hold but nevertheless it has important things to say. It is me. It has been my journey. Father told me once never to be ashamed of my history. So I embrace it and bring it to him continually so that he can bring the life that is there into the reality of my today.

Another quote from the Lady that I relate to -- "I write better when I am melancholy. I am more attached to my soul, like Wendy sewing Peter Pan's shadow back on, it feels more solid to me, even in it's increased wistfulness and fogginess. I have found this place, rather than something to be feared and fought against, is a place all my own that is a part of me for a reason."

I've said I want to write more but the thing I have to overcome is the idea that when everything is OK there's nothing to write about. See how I think. So today I wanted to express my Thankful Heart.

I hope that this lady's journey continues to be lifed with Truth.

New Year's Declaration

Today is the 8th day of the New Year. This New Year is 2009. Eight is the number of new beginnings. Nine is the number representing fruit.

I had a plan. We were going to do some neat stuff on New Year's Day. Larry and Me. A prayer journey. Some time together before Father. It was going to be a beautiful day.

It was just before we left the house. I said something about something Larry did or didn't do and he didn't like it and I didn't like his response and well...you know.

We did go pray. Thought it might be better to try to take the high road out of the situation and by nightfall apologies had been said and conversations have taken place since then. More treasure for us.

I put aside the idea of writing until I had my mind again. I read a post by a lady in Canada whose blog is called A Holy Experience. I liked what she said. She spoke of naming the years. I thought about that and wondered what I'd name this year. Several things came to mind in the last few days but this is the one that stuck.

Chapter 1

The year 2009 is Chapter 1 of the new book of our life.

Every once in a GREAT while I write something of a poetic nature. I wrote the psalm below a few years ago - in Kansas City - before the really dark times hit. I feel this is appropriate for how I feel at this moment of my life.

~~~~~~~~~

My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the king:
my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer. Psalm 45:1

I recite my verses for the King
The only King
The only One

King of Kings * Mighty One * Beautiful One * Glorious One

My verses are for you
You wrote them yourself in ancient days

The words of my life
The words of my destiny
Purpose and Plan

Words of Sorrow * Words of Pain * Words of Joy * Words of Peace

Tasks to perform – Times of Doing
Times to rest – Tasks of Being

Prepare, grow, get ready, get ready!

You wrote these verses on my heart
I recite them for you
For your pleasure I live them

By means of my tongue
You Declare
I AM

And the verses of my heart begin to live.
Purpose and Plan begin to take shape
Destiny comes forth

Because You Declare…I AM
Using My Tongue…I AM

My heart is stirred by this noble theme

Christ in me
In me
I AM

Don't define it

Community that is.

Christmas Eve. Fellowship with friends at Cheddars. The talk turns to relationship words. Words of appreciation to each other for how much the other means. One is amazed at the changes in himself and his approach to life - to people.

But I say he's in the flow of what God is doing in this season. Community.... relationship.

Change on the outside requires change on the inside.

Transformation.

It is God who transforms us by His Spirit.

Driving home Larry and I are talking about community. And I have that revelatory moment.

Don't define it!!! Don't nail it down!!! Don't do anything that would give IT form and structure.

The natural human tendency is to do that very thing. And we must not. As Larry, reading this over my shoulder just said, it is defined by the moment. The present moment. Not for us to control. Not for us to contrive. Detriech Bonhoffer said "Those who live with/for the dream of community will destroy it". (Not an exact quote. That's me quoting Larry quoting Detriech.) But that's the point and the challenge before us in this season. Can we just "be" relationship with each other or do we have to do something to try to make an earthly show of a heavenly reality.

Thank you Jesus for that little reminder in my spirit last night. Back to my benchmark --- Am I being lifegiving to those you have connected me to - to the one in front of me, unkown? Am I just caring about them, not trying to fix them or to bring them "up to" something that I think is the standard that all should follow? Arrogance. Lord, it is not in my power to do this but it is in my power to choose to allow you the expression you choose at that moment. It is in my power to choose to love and to care and to respect and honor and if I will choose it you will empower me. It may not be in my power to knit my heart with others but it is in your power to do that knitting if I will but choose to allow you to demolish my defences.

Transformation.

A new place in the kingdom. "Come, follow me", Jesus said over and over to his disciples.

Some not very Christmasy thoughts about Christmas

So once again I'm challenged by a friend to express my thoughts. Credit to S. I've had this blog written for several days but was thinking about not posting it. I think the reason is that I'm now going into the area of opinions. I like that - because to me it is a going forward. It's scary because sometimes people don't like other people's opinions.
Oh well. It's my blog. My place for processing my thoughts. If I knew it was going to stop here that would be one thing but I've already started my next blog. This is me....growing.
Think I'll shut up here and just go with my not very Christmasy thoughts and let subsequent posts speak for themselves.

I’m OK with Christmas.


Really. I am. Sort of.


I believe I'm going to enjoy this Christmas season.


Lets say I’ve come to peace with Christmas. After 50+ years of living in it and for it now I live with it and can enjoy it on my own terms and on the terms I'm working out with my family.

As a child I lived in it. That’s what children do. I guess I enjoyed that season of the year as much as most kids did. We didn’t have much and mom and dad didn’t spend much and there was not this big decorating of the house thing or big cooking thing that went on. I don’t have any horrible memories of Christmas as a child but neither was it spectacular. We just did Christmas every year. I think it was when I began hanging with D as a teenager that I began to feel what Christmas can and can’t do for people. I’m not so sure that her Mom (single working mom) had lots of money but she knew how to make her money work for her. Christmas at D’s house meant a huge tree with what seemed to be hundreds of presents underneath. Vaguely I felt the difference. I was living in that time when I was very detached from the reality of life so it didn't really bother me much but neither have I forgotten it.

Then I became married with children and started living for it - starting about December 15 every year. Some Christmases we had money to spend and we spent. Other Christmases we didn’t have much money and we didn’t spend. But as my children got older I felt the effects of those times when I couldn’t spend and they would talk about what their friends got for Christmas. I never knew how to make money work for me. And it wasn't just the money. I had never established in my heart what Christmas was really about so if I couldn't give them "presents" then I seemed to have nothing to give even though I was a Christian.

Bless our hearts, Larry and I just never were the best money or time “managers”. So we were never really prepared. Sure I know that stuff is really about us but I also feel like all this has kept me from romanticizing the season. I won't be one of its major defenders because I don't think it's the be all and end all of Christian expression. And besides what you may be doing at home, when there’s kids involved, you also have school and all that is required of you from that quarter. And in my opinion the demands of the church were the worst. Honestly. Christianity defends Christmas and lives Christmas as if Christmas was ordained by God – and even a superficial study will show that it wasn’t. It is something born in the heart of men and the fact that God meets us here in special ways doesn’t change that. He uses every opportunity we give him to reveal himself as the LIGHT who came into the world. I don’t have a problem with the idea that we might want to set aside a day to celebrate the coming of our Christ into this world. Nothing wrong with that. I just think that Christmas is treated with an importance that is way out of proportion to what it really is.

And I don't think we need to get upset when others who do not believe what we do choose to use the season for their own purposes. (Think Festivus.) After all - according to some, feel free to research this yourself - we adopted a day from the pagan calendar so why should we get bothered when others want to adopt a day that we adopted from someone else. If people don't believe they are not going to start if they feel like they have to defend themselves and their own freedom from us. The reality of Christ is not necessarily seen in a nativity scene and is most likely not seen in its defenders.

As Christians we seem to insist that the rest of humanity see it the way we do. Unbelievers are not going to. Period. And nobody likes having something shoved down their throat. Christians don’t like it either. Would that all men become believers in Jesus the Savior but not so that we can all celebrate Christmas the same way.

I don't want to get carried away with this and won't go into details but I don't really like the way Christians who adhere to the Christian system express Christianity at Christmas time. At least not all of it. Can't make a blanket statement here.

My cry at Christmas would be for that freedom that Christ came to eventually purchase for us. The freedom of each one to do as they feel God would have them. Freedom from the need to perform. Freedom from unrealistic expectations imposed on us by society. Freedom to celebrate truth rather than traditions. I believe this can be a beautiful time of life each year.

I'm committed to finding that beauty within my family first and then to see what we have to offer a larger community.

Community

That's a word that might start appearing in my blogs more. It's on my mind a lot. Our Kansas City experience was like a symphony that crescendoed at the end as we watched our group negotiate a transition. I describe that transition in my post from March 20, 2008 so I won't describe it here.

In about 30 years I have gone from being one who was reclusive, a loner in fact, to being one who desires community. I sought it out in KC with not so good results so I caution you to let God be the establisher of your community. The group we met with in KC was a God estabilished thing and it was very beautiful.

But I realized with this little experience of Larry's and mine of sharing a very small space together that Father is teaching US community. He is also teaching Larry and Me and Shan community. After all - we're family. Surely there must be community there. It would be lovely if I could talk about the history of us as a family in glowing terms where community is the subject. But I can't. We didn't do so well. We did OK.

As Larry and I began in KC to really understand our own differences I began to think of ways to put space between us. He created a man space downstairs so that I could have the upstairs. I had a bedroom with my computer and my stuff in it. My nobel thinking was to allow us the space to each be who we are. My not so nobel thinking was that I wanted to stop being aggravated with the contentions that would rise up between us.

Who US??

You betcha.

So I put a great distance between us. It wasn't conscious thinking on my part but I think it was part of the whole picture. We really didn't think we'd be apart as as long as we were but over time I settled into some routines that worked for me. Enter Larry. Just as I changed the dynamic of Shan's life with her dogs Larry changed the dynamic of my life and really the whole house.

Father doesn't want us to live apart. He doesn't want us to pass each other and say Hi, how's the weather. One of the reason's I knew getting in the same room in the evenings was important was that we weren't talking to each other much. Father is not the least upset by people rubbing up against each other. Doesn't he call it iron sharpening iron or something like that?

Our world is changing. Our country is changing. Christianity and it's ways are not the given in our society the way it was a generation ago. Could it be that we are going to have to learn this community thing as we get more and more boxed in by an unbelieving society? Could it be that those of us who chose to live outside the established structures of Christianity are going to find that we need each other more - even for something so basic as survival? Sounds drastic - but our world is changing. A generation ago Christians did not have to contend over the presence of nativity scenes or saying Merry Christmas. What will the generation after this bring - I'm not without hope for something better - a better expression of what life as a believer in Christ really means.

Community, I guess, starts at the lowest common denominator - a husband and wife, or parent and child, or whoever makes up the combination - and goes from there.