This weekend was quite a weekend. It began, as so many weekends do, with events and circumstances from the weeks, months and years that came before it.
Last Thursday Larry got a call from his dad with three pieces of bad news. Two of those items concerned the heath of his dad's brothers, both of whom are better today than they were that day but still not cleared for good health. We may yet get calls concerning them someday soon. Larry's daddy, fortunately, is in pretty good health for an 80 year old guy.
The third item was the bomb. The daughter of friends had taken her own life. Shellie. A young woman of 32. We were - and still are - broken hearted over this. Our two families were close and spent a lot of time together during the years that the kids were ranging in ages from about 16-17 to young Matt, however old he was at the time. Our paths had veered in different directions for the last several years so we didn't know much of the current happenings. So we were totally unprepared for this one.
We stopped our workdays on Friday and off to West Monroe we went. Sad as it all was, God's presence brought life. I am always fascinated to watch God as I see him in those who believe and are willing to allow him to be GOD. Shellie believed but struggled with her pain and the ability to believe in the goodness of God.
We left WM about 2:30 on Saturday, having taken time to buy some flowers to put on the graves of my parents and his mother. They're buried next to each other in the same cemetery that Shellie was buried in.
We'd been invited to the house of some friends in Dallas to meet some friends of theirs and so we made good time and got to their house at about 6:30. That evening was all about life as Father met a couple in the place of their own pain and desolation and brought life to them through the ministry of those in the room.
As soon as we had arrived at the home of these friends we heard more sad - but this time not unexpected - news that a friend in a near city had finally died of a brain tumor. The next evening we drove an hour and a half to at least see him that last time and to see his family as we knew we would not be able to go to the funeral.
In the midst of what seems to be the saddest of times those who believe in God are lifed by the understanding that death is passage. Dusty struggled with some with/through his pain but that was as short lived as the growing time of the tumor. His faith in the goodness of God was as solid as his 59 years of life. His wife and children had smiles for all who came.
But every where we looked we saw faces of peace - the faces of people who live in the presence of and the knowledge of the grace and mercy of God.
His purposes are eternal - ours temporal. Our purposes include those we love but... so do his.
Life and death happen in this world all at the same time. Happiness and sorrow. Rejoicing and pain. We need eyes to see, Lord. We need to see the way you see. Give us that grace and the grace to know you beyond what we see in the current circumstances.
We thank you Jesus that your life is our life and vitality and strength.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Death and Loss and Beauty
These pictures were taken in Kansas City, during that period of time when the weather was thinking about spring but all around was the signs of death from the winter. I had gone out that day because the temperature was bearable and I had cabin fever. I went to a favorite park to what I could see.
Among many other beautiful or interesting things I saw these leaves - these brown curls holding strong to their limbs - not yet ousted by the new.
last years leaves making one last statement about their own beauty
So is death beautiful?
OR
Can anything beautiful be found in that place?
We all experience death.
Sometimes our people die. People we love. My parents did and even though sometimes I wish they were still here - there was much beauty to be found in that place before the new had even begun to spring forth.
Two of the most amazing experiences of my life.
There are other deaths that we deal with also. The death of a dream or a plan or a hope.
Not to mention that for some hope is lost entirely. I don't know that there is any beauty to be found there because to lose hope entirely is to give up on God and every other possibility.
It does happen.
But the death of dreams is a common one, I believe, in the world of humans. We live for dreams. We are told to dream and never stop dreaming and, you know, "it's never too late".
I have found that there is beauty to be found at such times. If those dreams are not founded on reality - if they are houses built on sand and not on the Rock then they need to die.
I have found it hard to let some dreams die. Especially the ones having to do with family. But sometimes you must let the dreams go just like you let the people go when they die. I am experiencing this type of death in my natural fractal/garden even as I am experiencing new life in a spiritual fractal/garden.
The beauty I see in this death is that it releases life that needs to come forth.
Here is where trusting God and his ways is most important - and where the great struggle of so many years of my life has been.....there is a period of time in which no life can be seen. If beauty is going to be found at all it must be found in the moment - even the moment of death.
Father told me in 2004 that I would learn to live in the present moment. So I must live in the place where I see only the dried up remains of what was.
I need to open my eyes to see what a nice color the brown is. I need to look close enough to really see the curls. I need to stop long enough to appreciate the unique shape of each leaf - each group of leaves.
There is a verse that speaks of us seeing the face of God without a veil over our face. Looking fully into his face and being transformed in that moment. I heard this scripture quoted the most during the days of the soaking meetings where we would get together and sit in the presence of God and worship. Those were good times.
But I found that being able to see the face of God in the types of things that would be symbolized by the dead leaves are the transforming times of my life.
So I live in this present moment, acknowledging my grief until God's touch can completely heal it, but no longer fighting for my dream.
Time to let go - even where I love.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Community = love = community
Conversation this past weekend with friends about community. The word kept coming up - It's about love.
About Love.
And what do we really know about love anyway? As I pondered this thought that finally got past my mind into some deeper places, it occurred to me that we are going to find out how much we DON'T know about love.
God's kind of love.
He has given us the gift of each other. Not just for fellowship and feel good but to challenge our notions of righteousness.
About Love.
And what do we really know about love anyway? As I pondered this thought that finally got past my mind into some deeper places, it occurred to me that we are going to find out how much we DON'T know about love.
God's kind of love.
He has given us the gift of each other. Not just for fellowship and feel good but to challenge our notions of righteousness.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Painting
The following is something I received in my email at work this morning. As I read it I kept thinking about the post I wrote this morning before leaving for work. I kept thinking about us painting and is that nuts or not and it's like this email spoke to my heart - confirming once again, that it's not just OK that we paint - it's REALLY OK that we paint. This is what we do for US. It's what we can do to feed our souls and spirits at almost every stop along the way of our life - our life that has required certain things of us and not allowed other things to happen. So the quote is long and it really has to do with relationships because it's National Friendship week but since it did minister to my heart in this other way I thought I'd post it as the continuation of my thoughts about painting.
Will You Dance With Me?
READ THIS VERY SLOWLY.... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't, I have clothes on the line, My hair is dirty, I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I'll let you know,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to.....not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask ' How are you?', do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?
When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....thrown away..... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.
It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do.
'Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!
Will You Dance With Me?
READ THIS VERY SLOWLY.... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't, I have clothes on the line, My hair is dirty, I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I'll let you know,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to.....not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask ' How are you?', do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?
When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....thrown away..... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.
It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do.
'Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!
The question of painting
Monday morning. Back to work.
Work?
What then would I call a weekend of painting and putting and going up and down stairs and running errands.
The stuff is almost all in its proper places. Everything is almost in order. The painting is almost finished.
I love the feeling of being washed in quiet, restful blue as I sit in my bedroom at my computer. Window to the right letting in light and giving me a view of the world.
I love the feeling of quiet energy that I get when I go into the great room ( ; 0 I like the thought of a great room in an apartment) and I walk into the earthy Dijon mustard and ochre colors there.
I would not have done the painting. It would have been too much for me and I wouldn't have required it of Larry - so I am very grateful to him for doing this painting.
You could say we're nuts for doing all this in an apartment - a temporary home. But the reality is that we are nuts anyway. We're nuts because of other things too - why should this be different?
Color is important to us. It speaks to us about us and it energizes us.
Larry's room is deep green. I don't know what green it is because it's something our daughter mixed up for her house. Again the feeling I get when I walk into his man space is quiet.
I love that. I love the message in that.
Work?
What then would I call a weekend of painting and putting and going up and down stairs and running errands.
The stuff is almost all in its proper places. Everything is almost in order. The painting is almost finished.
I love the feeling of being washed in quiet, restful blue as I sit in my bedroom at my computer. Window to the right letting in light and giving me a view of the world.
I love the feeling of quiet energy that I get when I go into the great room ( ; 0 I like the thought of a great room in an apartment) and I walk into the earthy Dijon mustard and ochre colors there.
I would not have done the painting. It would have been too much for me and I wouldn't have required it of Larry - so I am very grateful to him for doing this painting.
You could say we're nuts for doing all this in an apartment - a temporary home. But the reality is that we are nuts anyway. We're nuts because of other things too - why should this be different?
Color is important to us. It speaks to us about us and it energizes us.
Larry's room is deep green. I don't know what green it is because it's something our daughter mixed up for her house. Again the feeling I get when I walk into his man space is quiet.
I love that. I love the message in that.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Where am I???
I'm feeling like the person who wakes up and has to take a few minutes to realize where she is and how she got there.
I can't believe it's only been 12 days since I last visited here.
A recap to bring me up to speed.....
The day after my last post we signed the lease on our apartment. A very lovely apartment with 9 foot ceilings and a fireplace; a lovely, large living/dining area; a patio that Honey the cat will surely lay claim to as her own. I'm sure she'll let us sit out there - she likes it when we are all together; two bedrooms, each large enough to accommodate more than one purpose - important since there are only two and no office. The kitchen comes under the heading of OK but we'll work with it and bring it up to speed. Our view is either the trees behind or another apt complex to the side. Lest you groan over looking at apartments, let me just say, they are some very nice looking apartments, neat, clean, built symmetrically so they're easy on the eye - a restful view - and not too close.
The weekend right after signing the lease I had a photography workshop at the Dallas Arboretum to attend. Two very long days as well as a lecture Friday evening. Larry painted. Shannon helped some. The living/dining must be painted again. We were going for yellow, of course, but were looking to tone it down with a nice Dijon mustard sort of color. Somehow we ended up with French's yellow mustard on our walls. It was an amazing yellow. It didn't look that way on the card! I like yellow but that's too bright even for me. The conclusion is that the light is too bright for it so poor Larry will have to repaint. If he doesn't do it this week I'll help him this weekend.
We finally spent our first night there this Friday night. The official move in, I guess, because you can't base that on when the furniture arrived. Larry decided that since he'd be driving back and forth with the painting going on that he'd bring a truckload every day. So he did that and a couple of times friends helped with big stuff - thanks Bobby & Drew - and Phil for those last two peices on Sunday. I took off from work Monday and Tuesday last week and made trips there every evening after work the rest of the week and by this Saturday we had the place looking much better as far as stuff being put in places. Then we went back to our daughter's house and got more, and there is yet more to get. When I left this morning it was chaotic looking. But there is some organization - you just have to know where it is.
What a process. I'm thinking of the day that I sat in front of the house in KC two years ago and said how this move was supposed to go and I MUST had said that we would have movers - I know I said we would have a house all ready - everything that I said WOULD be HAS NOT been in this move.
See me floating in the Lazy River of Serenity.
It's as though God said.... we'll see who's in charge and who has the right to make declarations. (I'm thinking it's not me.) But at the same time he has blessed us in so many ways - the biggest being the apartment itself. We love it. It is so peaceful and comfortable. And also the peace we've both had even tho dealing with things NOT being what we would be more comfortable with. Blessings of his grace.
We are also blessed to be close to our friends and still not far from our daughter or our grandchildren. Our son is moving around some - it's just nice to know he's back in this area rather than in Nebraska.
Oh yes - we have a garage also which we use for storage. Don't think we could do this without that. SUCH a blessing.
Friday night I had a real - although not paying - photography gig. My daughter works for a technical college and they had a banquet for the teachers in the area that allow them to come and speak in their class and I was the event photographer. It was fun. I learned a lot. I don't think I hit absolute perfection but they turned out very good and I know some things I will do differently in the future.
Saturday evening we spent with some friends that live close now. That's our goal. One of them. Time with friends.
So - I've been busy. Busy. Busy.
Oh - and another new thing I want to make note of. I said I was getting more political. Well, I wrote my representative this morning about a bill concerning dogs and asked him to oppose it. It's really a ridiculous bill - but I won't go into that here. I just wanted to note that as a first.
I can't believe it's only been 12 days since I last visited here.
A recap to bring me up to speed.....
The day after my last post we signed the lease on our apartment. A very lovely apartment with 9 foot ceilings and a fireplace; a lovely, large living/dining area; a patio that Honey the cat will surely lay claim to as her own. I'm sure she'll let us sit out there - she likes it when we are all together; two bedrooms, each large enough to accommodate more than one purpose - important since there are only two and no office. The kitchen comes under the heading of OK but we'll work with it and bring it up to speed. Our view is either the trees behind or another apt complex to the side. Lest you groan over looking at apartments, let me just say, they are some very nice looking apartments, neat, clean, built symmetrically so they're easy on the eye - a restful view - and not too close.
The weekend right after signing the lease I had a photography workshop at the Dallas Arboretum to attend. Two very long days as well as a lecture Friday evening. Larry painted. Shannon helped some. The living/dining must be painted again. We were going for yellow, of course, but were looking to tone it down with a nice Dijon mustard sort of color. Somehow we ended up with French's yellow mustard on our walls. It was an amazing yellow. It didn't look that way on the card! I like yellow but that's too bright even for me. The conclusion is that the light is too bright for it so poor Larry will have to repaint. If he doesn't do it this week I'll help him this weekend.
We finally spent our first night there this Friday night. The official move in, I guess, because you can't base that on when the furniture arrived. Larry decided that since he'd be driving back and forth with the painting going on that he'd bring a truckload every day. So he did that and a couple of times friends helped with big stuff - thanks Bobby & Drew - and Phil for those last two peices on Sunday. I took off from work Monday and Tuesday last week and made trips there every evening after work the rest of the week and by this Saturday we had the place looking much better as far as stuff being put in places. Then we went back to our daughter's house and got more, and there is yet more to get. When I left this morning it was chaotic looking. But there is some organization - you just have to know where it is.
What a process. I'm thinking of the day that I sat in front of the house in KC two years ago and said how this move was supposed to go and I MUST had said that we would have movers - I know I said we would have a house all ready - everything that I said WOULD be HAS NOT been in this move.
See me floating in the Lazy River of Serenity.
It's as though God said.... we'll see who's in charge and who has the right to make declarations. (I'm thinking it's not me.) But at the same time he has blessed us in so many ways - the biggest being the apartment itself. We love it. It is so peaceful and comfortable. And also the peace we've both had even tho dealing with things NOT being what we would be more comfortable with. Blessings of his grace.
We are also blessed to be close to our friends and still not far from our daughter or our grandchildren. Our son is moving around some - it's just nice to know he's back in this area rather than in Nebraska.
Oh yes - we have a garage also which we use for storage. Don't think we could do this without that. SUCH a blessing.
Friday night I had a real - although not paying - photography gig. My daughter works for a technical college and they had a banquet for the teachers in the area that allow them to come and speak in their class and I was the event photographer. It was fun. I learned a lot. I don't think I hit absolute perfection but they turned out very good and I know some things I will do differently in the future.
Saturday evening we spent with some friends that live close now. That's our goal. One of them. Time with friends.
So - I've been busy. Busy. Busy.
Oh - and another new thing I want to make note of. I said I was getting more political. Well, I wrote my representative this morning about a bill concerning dogs and asked him to oppose it. It's really a ridiculous bill - but I won't go into that here. I just wanted to note that as a first.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Language barriers in the community
When God confused the languages of the earth did he confuse language within languages?
Obviously there is truth to that when we look at dialects.
Definition of dialect from dictionary.com: Linguistics. a variety of a language that is distinguished from other varieties of the same language by features of phonology, grammar, and vocabulary, and by its use by a group of speakers who are set off from others geographically or socially.
We understand that. If you have ever listened to a Cajun speak then you know that there is at least one different dialect that is specific to the US. Think of a native from Maine conversing with a Cajun. I'd like to be a fly on the wall listening in. (Yuck! Be a FLY! - there's got to be another way. I may have to stop using that phrase.)
Anyway... different languages. Language within language.
An adaptation of the above definition for dialect : A variety of a language that is hard to distinguish from others because the words sound the same and often the context within which we use the same word makes them seem the same. It is truly distinguishable only when all the different aspects of it's meaning are looked at and then the conversers realize that they aren't saying the same thing at all. They are each speaking in their own personal dialect.
When I'm in the room with my Normal (?) American speaking friends all this doesn't matter...RIGHT??? Not. It does matter.
Let's say I use the word salvation in my conversation. Does the person on the other side of the room know that to me that means more than just that point when I gave my life to Christ? Does that other know that out of my experience that word has come to include the process of healing and deliverance that will, hopefully, in the end, accomplish the complete saving of my soul? To another it means more simply, that you accepted Christ as your savior and will enter heaven when you leave here. Perhaps you would use the word sanctification where I use the word salvation and in my language it is "receiving Christ as savior and His gift of eternal life" and is only the very starting point of one's salvation.
To someone else that word could have even more different meaning.
Here at work, when I ask one of the accountants for an explanation of something I have to be sure that I and she are speaking the same language - they use different words for some of the same things. Their priorities are different than mine.
My husband and I have language barriers just because he is a Redemptive Gift Prophet and I am a Redemptive Gift Teacher. And if you don't know what that is then I am speaking incomprehensibly to you. Or maybe you have heard the same teaching but you don't know that when I say RD Teacher (or whatever) that I am not meaning a person who in all ways is just like the description that has been offered of that gift. You may not know that I am taking into consideration many other things about that life that would create a variation that is what makes a person unique among us all.
We and our children and our children with each other have language barriers that make it hard for us to come together as family at this time.
Language barriers will not go away. The filters in our souls are unique to us. God displays his totality in our diversity. God forbid that we should all be just alike. I don't think he's going to let it happen much less make it happen. I believe that it is and always will be a fact of communitiy. A friction designed to be that iron sharpening iron process. We are body parts designed to do many different functions and we cannot be just alike. But we must have some way to get past these language barriers so that we can see more clearly how Jesus is expressing himself in each of us to bring about a complete expression of himself in this earth.
For Larry and I this understanding of ourselves as "Prophet" and "Teacher" is a bedrock of communication. Well, isn't Jesus enough? Evidently not - at least not in our personal history. Just before we heard the teachings by Arthur Burk our language barriers had won the day. Our communication was "hey, how was your day". "Fine - add a few details." "What do you want for supper". TV and/or computer time followed. There was safety in TV in those days. We couldn't talk about God, etc. without getting mad at each other because we each had a different view of things and was tired of the other saying that we were wrong.
But just having that understanding was not enough. We have also learned to converse. And converse. And converse. We will take the same subject and talk it over and over and over even over the course of years sometimes as God brings new information to us and matures us to new degrees. Conversing with each other with an understanding of who the other is and what influences the other's life brings to the conversation has contributed greatly to the "saving" of us and the increase of our ability to be lifegiving to others. Being reconciled to one another through real-time understanding of who God created us to be in this earth allows us to jump the communication barriers.
My heart's desire and prayer is that in days, months, years, decades to come the Body of which I am a part will find it's own key to overcoming language barriers. We are diverse for a reason and I believe, as I said, that it is so God can fully reveal himself in this earth. He is too big for anyone of us - it takes all of us.
Obviously there is truth to that when we look at dialects.
Definition of dialect from dictionary.com: Linguistics. a variety of a language that is distinguished from other varieties of the same language by features of phonology, grammar, and vocabulary, and by its use by a group of speakers who are set off from others geographically or socially.
We understand that. If you have ever listened to a Cajun speak then you know that there is at least one different dialect that is specific to the US. Think of a native from Maine conversing with a Cajun. I'd like to be a fly on the wall listening in. (Yuck! Be a FLY! - there's got to be another way. I may have to stop using that phrase.)
Anyway... different languages. Language within language.
An adaptation of the above definition for dialect : A variety of a language that is hard to distinguish from others because the words sound the same and often the context within which we use the same word makes them seem the same. It is truly distinguishable only when all the different aspects of it's meaning are looked at and then the conversers realize that they aren't saying the same thing at all. They are each speaking in their own personal dialect.
When I'm in the room with my Normal (?) American speaking friends all this doesn't matter...RIGHT??? Not. It does matter.
Let's say I use the word salvation in my conversation. Does the person on the other side of the room know that to me that means more than just that point when I gave my life to Christ? Does that other know that out of my experience that word has come to include the process of healing and deliverance that will, hopefully, in the end, accomplish the complete saving of my soul? To another it means more simply, that you accepted Christ as your savior and will enter heaven when you leave here. Perhaps you would use the word sanctification where I use the word salvation and in my language it is "receiving Christ as savior and His gift of eternal life" and is only the very starting point of one's salvation.
To someone else that word could have even more different meaning.
Here at work, when I ask one of the accountants for an explanation of something I have to be sure that I and she are speaking the same language - they use different words for some of the same things. Their priorities are different than mine.
Language barriers.
In the room with us all the time.
My husband and I have language barriers just because he is a Redemptive Gift Prophet and I am a Redemptive Gift Teacher. And if you don't know what that is then I am speaking incomprehensibly to you. Or maybe you have heard the same teaching but you don't know that when I say RD Teacher (or whatever) that I am not meaning a person who in all ways is just like the description that has been offered of that gift. You may not know that I am taking into consideration many other things about that life that would create a variation that is what makes a person unique among us all.
We and our children and our children with each other have language barriers that make it hard for us to come together as family at this time.
Language barriers will not go away. The filters in our souls are unique to us. God displays his totality in our diversity. God forbid that we should all be just alike. I don't think he's going to let it happen much less make it happen. I believe that it is and always will be a fact of communitiy. A friction designed to be that iron sharpening iron process. We are body parts designed to do many different functions and we cannot be just alike. But we must have some way to get past these language barriers so that we can see more clearly how Jesus is expressing himself in each of us to bring about a complete expression of himself in this earth.
For Larry and I this understanding of ourselves as "Prophet" and "Teacher" is a bedrock of communication. Well, isn't Jesus enough? Evidently not - at least not in our personal history. Just before we heard the teachings by Arthur Burk our language barriers had won the day. Our communication was "hey, how was your day". "Fine - add a few details." "What do you want for supper". TV and/or computer time followed. There was safety in TV in those days. We couldn't talk about God, etc. without getting mad at each other because we each had a different view of things and was tired of the other saying that we were wrong.
But just having that understanding was not enough. We have also learned to converse. And converse. And converse. We will take the same subject and talk it over and over and over even over the course of years sometimes as God brings new information to us and matures us to new degrees. Conversing with each other with an understanding of who the other is and what influences the other's life brings to the conversation has contributed greatly to the "saving" of us and the increase of our ability to be lifegiving to others. Being reconciled to one another through real-time understanding of who God created us to be in this earth allows us to jump the communication barriers.
My heart's desire and prayer is that in days, months, years, decades to come the Body of which I am a part will find it's own key to overcoming language barriers. We are diverse for a reason and I believe, as I said, that it is so God can fully reveal himself in this earth. He is too big for anyone of us - it takes all of us.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Catching me up
I'm not really liking this routine very much. I'm not liking how I blog for the two weeks at the end of a month and then stop. Mostly has to do with my work routine. I'm busy at the beginning of the month and not at the end of the month. Still I don't like it. My workload has lessened - at least for now - so maybe when March 1 comes around I'll keep typing. I should have done better this month and had actually intended to.
But work was not the only thing that stopped me from writing this time. If you follow this blog you know that I loaded some pictures in the last post, then took them out and now have put them back.
That process was due to some intense conversation I was having with a friend. It lasted maybe a week (?) but my brain was fried and I was tired when we finally came to resolution. I didn't lose any sleep but I did get a fever blister from the stress. We had to work through some issues surrounding those pictures. It was good for me in the over all because I had to step back and get into conversation with Father about things. Most wonderfully, I discovered that Father would protect the things he puts within me. Also wonderfully, I noted that he will at the same time bring me to the place of peace and freedom about those things. It's never about what I do it's about what I am. Out of the being will come the doing.
I'm not going into detail about the conversation because I don't want that to be the focus. Point is in relationships there are times when relationships are tested. Sometimes they don't survive the test.
This relationship survived and not only that, the two of us involved feel that it's stronger for having gone there. It's so much easier to just move away from someone when there is disagreement. It's so much harder to confront the issue. For one thing - you might find out that you're the one in the wrong. EEEEK But even if you end up feeling that you're in the right still, it's such an uncomfortable thing, to say the least, that we just don't want to do it.
And so we find community in the realm of people with whom it's easy to relate. And we pat ourselves on the back because we have so many people around us whom we love and we feel that they love us. But I feel that we somehow miss something of the essence of the heart of God when we are not willing to step into these murky, uncomfortable places. This brief conflict over my pictures was really a safe one all things considered. This was conflict with some one with whom I've been friends for several years and we've had a few ups and downs in the past just not quite like this. Always there is potential for the "end". But she and I are both people who walk very carefully through our difficult conversations. My husband thinks we're nuts but we find that if we do this by email it works better. We have time to read and ponder the others comments and then think about what we are going to say and how to say it.
Larry and I do this in our own way. We don't assume that one conversation is all it takes to settle an issue. We know that it takes several conversations. We might have one conversation where one is bringing their points and then that might be followed one or several days later with the other's side of things. That can go on for weeks. Some conversations actually can last years as the same issue comes up periodically. I daresay conversation between my friend and I will happen at some point in the future around some of the issues that came up in our initial photo conversation. It should happen. We don't have all the answers and until something happens we don't necessarily know what the questions are.
So - this is the explanation of why I did not write more this month already. I had intended to because my work was actually less of an issue this time. Still I've got to find the way to grow in the ability to overcome distraction and remain steady and true to this pursuit.
But work was not the only thing that stopped me from writing this time. If you follow this blog you know that I loaded some pictures in the last post, then took them out and now have put them back.
That process was due to some intense conversation I was having with a friend. It lasted maybe a week (?) but my brain was fried and I was tired when we finally came to resolution. I didn't lose any sleep but I did get a fever blister from the stress. We had to work through some issues surrounding those pictures. It was good for me in the over all because I had to step back and get into conversation with Father about things. Most wonderfully, I discovered that Father would protect the things he puts within me. Also wonderfully, I noted that he will at the same time bring me to the place of peace and freedom about those things. It's never about what I do it's about what I am. Out of the being will come the doing.
I'm not going into detail about the conversation because I don't want that to be the focus. Point is in relationships there are times when relationships are tested. Sometimes they don't survive the test.
This relationship survived and not only that, the two of us involved feel that it's stronger for having gone there. It's so much easier to just move away from someone when there is disagreement. It's so much harder to confront the issue. For one thing - you might find out that you're the one in the wrong. EEEEK But even if you end up feeling that you're in the right still, it's such an uncomfortable thing, to say the least, that we just don't want to do it.
And so we find community in the realm of people with whom it's easy to relate. And we pat ourselves on the back because we have so many people around us whom we love and we feel that they love us. But I feel that we somehow miss something of the essence of the heart of God when we are not willing to step into these murky, uncomfortable places. This brief conflict over my pictures was really a safe one all things considered. This was conflict with some one with whom I've been friends for several years and we've had a few ups and downs in the past just not quite like this. Always there is potential for the "end". But she and I are both people who walk very carefully through our difficult conversations. My husband thinks we're nuts but we find that if we do this by email it works better. We have time to read and ponder the others comments and then think about what we are going to say and how to say it.
Larry and I do this in our own way. We don't assume that one conversation is all it takes to settle an issue. We know that it takes several conversations. We might have one conversation where one is bringing their points and then that might be followed one or several days later with the other's side of things. That can go on for weeks. Some conversations actually can last years as the same issue comes up periodically. I daresay conversation between my friend and I will happen at some point in the future around some of the issues that came up in our initial photo conversation. It should happen. We don't have all the answers and until something happens we don't necessarily know what the questions are.
So - this is the explanation of why I did not write more this month already. I had intended to because my work was actually less of an issue this time. Still I've got to find the way to grow in the ability to overcome distraction and remain steady and true to this pursuit.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Let Every Man Have His Journey
This is some more thinking about community and bringing one more thought into my puzzle.
Some years ago Larry and I began to understand how important each persons journey before the Lord is and why we need to respect it because we found ourselves on this journey of moving from place to place and it was very hard when people wanted us to stay or to do something that we knew in our heart was not what we could do. We couldn't prove that what were feeling to do was right. Many of the things we've done haven't made much sense. Many of the things we've adopted as our standard for living this life we couldn't prove with chapter and verse - at least not at the time.
We just knew that we needed to do what we were doing. We knew we had to be what we were being. Even if we were wrong we needed to do it. We can look back now and say that we feel that the moves we made were really and truly the thing God wanted us to do. We can also say that there are plenty of times that the way we did those things was NOT what he wanted us to do. We have some things in the overall picture that we just agree to disagree with each other on and will have to wait for THAT DAY when we know as he knows to know the truth. We can also say that there have been many times when God would set us on some kind of course and we would simply do it and he would bring the word to bear on it later.
The point I'm making is that this is the journey as we walked it before the Lord and we quickly understood that we needed grace from others while we did it.
The following thought was that we needed to give to others that same grace as they walked out their journey before the Lord.
Chances are you can look into any life being lived around you and find something you would do differently. You might even question whether that person is really following God or not. You might wonder if the voice they are hearing is the voice of their soul or the voice of Holy Spirit.
If it's you looking at you and asking these questions then - that's OK. If it's you looking at somebody else's life and asking those questions then - what are you doing? Who told you (or me) that you could question another man's journey? That can so so so easily fall under the heading of judgement.
We're not blind. We're going to see things. Obviously we're going to have some opinions. We're going to find ourselves in the place of examining and re-examining what we know or think we know. This is a good thing to do. Larry and I have learned to keep quiet for the most part - unless invited to speak. We've left conversations with people and had misgivings in our heart from the decisions we heard - as I'm sure happened when people have heard us declare our decisions.
Sometimes thoughts and opinions are asked for. Sometimes they're not.
When they are we can say we've done our best to help them process and when they're not we have to be careful as we watch the unfolding events to not be judgemental when things don't go the way WE would have thought.
Our God works in our lives through processes more than miracles. Processes can take a long time. A loooong time.
We've been practicing this at various levels down through the years. It's important to us and as we were doing "house church" in KC a deeper feeling came down on this and we began to see the journey as a truly sacred thing before the Lord. Each one works out his own souls salvation before the Lord.
We're moving into another level of learning where this is concerned as we look harder at community - and commitment - and living closer. Our life as we have known it is changing. We did walk alone pretty much. We are confident that this was God's doing for his purposes.
We aren't to walk alone anymore. But how? How is this done? How to live close to one another in a way that causes you to affect each other's life in all the good ways and still respect that journey?
These are the questions that we are asking ourselves. We make no assumptions. We see everybody as seeing that differently from everybody else. Some people are not ready to let others in. There will always, I think, be that place where the line is drawn and the walk is yours and yours alone. You and God (you meaning you and spouse if there is one). Even the child at some point must start taking ownership of their walk for good or ill.
I am convinced that this is a very important piece of the puzzle of community.
A puzzle.
A body with many interacting yet independent parts.
Some years ago Larry and I began to understand how important each persons journey before the Lord is and why we need to respect it because we found ourselves on this journey of moving from place to place and it was very hard when people wanted us to stay or to do something that we knew in our heart was not what we could do. We couldn't prove that what were feeling to do was right. Many of the things we've done haven't made much sense. Many of the things we've adopted as our standard for living this life we couldn't prove with chapter and verse - at least not at the time.
We just knew that we needed to do what we were doing. We knew we had to be what we were being. Even if we were wrong we needed to do it. We can look back now and say that we feel that the moves we made were really and truly the thing God wanted us to do. We can also say that there are plenty of times that the way we did those things was NOT what he wanted us to do. We have some things in the overall picture that we just agree to disagree with each other on and will have to wait for THAT DAY when we know as he knows to know the truth. We can also say that there have been many times when God would set us on some kind of course and we would simply do it and he would bring the word to bear on it later.
The point I'm making is that this is the journey as we walked it before the Lord and we quickly understood that we needed grace from others while we did it.
The following thought was that we needed to give to others that same grace as they walked out their journey before the Lord.
Chances are you can look into any life being lived around you and find something you would do differently. You might even question whether that person is really following God or not. You might wonder if the voice they are hearing is the voice of their soul or the voice of Holy Spirit.
If it's you looking at you and asking these questions then - that's OK. If it's you looking at somebody else's life and asking those questions then - what are you doing? Who told you (or me) that you could question another man's journey? That can so so so easily fall under the heading of judgement.
We're not blind. We're going to see things. Obviously we're going to have some opinions. We're going to find ourselves in the place of examining and re-examining what we know or think we know. This is a good thing to do. Larry and I have learned to keep quiet for the most part - unless invited to speak. We've left conversations with people and had misgivings in our heart from the decisions we heard - as I'm sure happened when people have heard us declare our decisions.
Sometimes thoughts and opinions are asked for. Sometimes they're not.
When they are we can say we've done our best to help them process and when they're not we have to be careful as we watch the unfolding events to not be judgemental when things don't go the way WE would have thought.
Our God works in our lives through processes more than miracles. Processes can take a long time. A loooong time.
We've been practicing this at various levels down through the years. It's important to us and as we were doing "house church" in KC a deeper feeling came down on this and we began to see the journey as a truly sacred thing before the Lord. Each one works out his own souls salvation before the Lord.
We're moving into another level of learning where this is concerned as we look harder at community - and commitment - and living closer. Our life as we have known it is changing. We did walk alone pretty much. We are confident that this was God's doing for his purposes.
We aren't to walk alone anymore. But how? How is this done? How to live close to one another in a way that causes you to affect each other's life in all the good ways and still respect that journey?
These are the questions that we are asking ourselves. We make no assumptions. We see everybody as seeing that differently from everybody else. Some people are not ready to let others in. There will always, I think, be that place where the line is drawn and the walk is yours and yours alone. You and God (you meaning you and spouse if there is one). Even the child at some point must start taking ownership of their walk for good or ill.
I am convinced that this is a very important piece of the puzzle of community.
A puzzle.
A body with many interacting yet independent parts.
Friday, January 16, 2009
More thoughts on community
What is community?
Living, bleeding, breathing life...together. Walking through gardens arm-in-arm, pointing out every beautiful flower, each turning leaf. Exposing life together. Punching through walls, shattering mirrors, and baring scars. Destroying the idea that each one of us is an atlas, straining and sweating to balance the weight of the world, alone, on our shoulders. Holding buckets to catch the tears; collecting and pouring them over the soil of our souls. Growing and blossoming, changing colors and falling, living and moving...together.
This quote is from a young lady - 19? 20? - I'm not sure. Her name is Alec and she and her mother had a discussion about community. They explored the question and she wrote her definition and her mom sent it to several of us that she knows are exploring this same question.
And if you by chance don't know anything of her story and think she is too young to have insight - let me just say that the little knowledge that I have assures me she as well versed in the pain of life as are so so so many of the children in this country and this world.
I love how she wrote it. This bunch of people that I'm thinking about in particular this day became connected through divine appointments and common pursuing of God. Larry and I can tell our own stories of getting connected. It was a marvelous time. 1999. 2000. (I need to make a correction here. Two have reminded me - it was actually 1997 when Larry and I first connected with the people that have become our spiritual family. There was a couple of moves for Larry and me in the years between and in my mind it seems that the connecting started when we left the job that moved us around and we ended up in WM. So that's the time table that sticks in my head. Sometimes we tell our memory what to remember.) Even though God brought us together with them it was three - yes three - years before I knew that I knew that this was the family God had connected me to. Some I seldom see but I always feel the connection. I was once again a part of something bigger than myself. Since the beginning there have been ups and downs - doing things together and separately. There came the point that we were as "parts lying on the ground".
But Father has been pulling us back together. Helping us to stand up again. There is a shared history now. We are connected by more than the common interests. We share more than just good times in the Lord. There is love here. And as we grow in this "community" of people I find that Alec's quote is very appropriate. Genuine caring for the stuff of each other's life without the need to dictate or interfere.
We're questioning. We're probing the depths of this idea. We cannot define it. We dare not. And yet Alec did it without doing it. Read her words. Examine her phrases. Don't just look at the beauty and power of the expression and get lost in the abstract. It's not something we do - it's what we are in God's today expression of Himself through the Son that dwells in us.
Look at your own community.... your family..... your marriage. These are the places where this is lived out in it's greatest intensity. Tough decisions have to be made. Confrontation might have to happen.
What to do after?
Show up.
Show up.
Divorce is not an option. (This little nugget came from a marriage that included at least one escapist but God in his wisdom early on took that option out. The marriage has survived and flourished.)
Show up.
The Word of God is chock full of what to do's but the how to's are where we stumble. How to love? How to lay down my life? How to love the one that is hurting me. How to confront if necessary. How to know IF such as that is necessary? And is it YOURS to do? How to allow the other their joys and triumphs with out envy and one-upmanship? How to overcome that part of me that just CANNOT allow Jesus his expression of life and love.
Well.
That's where the cross comes in to play. Recognition. Repentance. Taking ownership rather than blameshifting. Times of refreshing for our own spirits and souls as we come out from under the self stuff that weighs us down and allows that enemy to steal, kill and destroy.
We must get unstuck from the abstract beauty of the ideas of community and brotherly love and be willing to walk through bloody messes at times. The rubber of our shoe bottoms must meet the road of life's realities.
Forgiveness. Setting ourselves free from that which wounded us. To see this as our response to the one who wounded is to stop far short of it's power. It is our response to the God who requires it of us. Yes, requires. If we can't then we repent of our inability. We forgive so that HE can set us and the wounder free from each other. Then we are both free to receive HIS judgement and healing.
I watched a movie called Invincible about Vince Papale who left the neighborhood in Philly to become an Eagle (yessss - football). I loved watching the dynamic of community and relationship in that movie and recommend it to anyone who would care to watch it.
My heart sings in prayer today for all those that God has given to Larry and I throughout our journey - beginning with our children, who are our heart of hearts.
We contend for this reality that we cannot define.
Living, bleeding, breathing life...together. Walking through gardens arm-in-arm, pointing out every beautiful flower, each turning leaf. Exposing life together. Punching through walls, shattering mirrors, and baring scars. Destroying the idea that each one of us is an atlas, straining and sweating to balance the weight of the world, alone, on our shoulders. Holding buckets to catch the tears; collecting and pouring them over the soil of our souls. Growing and blossoming, changing colors and falling, living and moving...together.
This quote is from a young lady - 19? 20? - I'm not sure. Her name is Alec and she and her mother had a discussion about community. They explored the question and she wrote her definition and her mom sent it to several of us that she knows are exploring this same question.
And if you by chance don't know anything of her story and think she is too young to have insight - let me just say that the little knowledge that I have assures me she as well versed in the pain of life as are so so so many of the children in this country and this world.
I love how she wrote it. This bunch of people that I'm thinking about in particular this day became connected through divine appointments and common pursuing of God. Larry and I can tell our own stories of getting connected. It was a marvelous time. 1999. 2000. (I need to make a correction here. Two have reminded me - it was actually 1997 when Larry and I first connected with the people that have become our spiritual family. There was a couple of moves for Larry and me in the years between and in my mind it seems that the connecting started when we left the job that moved us around and we ended up in WM. So that's the time table that sticks in my head. Sometimes we tell our memory what to remember.) Even though God brought us together with them it was three - yes three - years before I knew that I knew that this was the family God had connected me to. Some I seldom see but I always feel the connection. I was once again a part of something bigger than myself. Since the beginning there have been ups and downs - doing things together and separately. There came the point that we were as "parts lying on the ground".
But Father has been pulling us back together. Helping us to stand up again. There is a shared history now. We are connected by more than the common interests. We share more than just good times in the Lord. There is love here. And as we grow in this "community" of people I find that Alec's quote is very appropriate. Genuine caring for the stuff of each other's life without the need to dictate or interfere.
We're questioning. We're probing the depths of this idea. We cannot define it. We dare not. And yet Alec did it without doing it. Read her words. Examine her phrases. Don't just look at the beauty and power of the expression and get lost in the abstract. It's not something we do - it's what we are in God's today expression of Himself through the Son that dwells in us.
Look at your own community.... your family..... your marriage. These are the places where this is lived out in it's greatest intensity. Tough decisions have to be made. Confrontation might have to happen.
What to do after?
Show up.
Show up.
Divorce is not an option. (This little nugget came from a marriage that included at least one escapist but God in his wisdom early on took that option out. The marriage has survived and flourished.)
Show up.
The Word of God is chock full of what to do's but the how to's are where we stumble. How to love? How to lay down my life? How to love the one that is hurting me. How to confront if necessary. How to know IF such as that is necessary? And is it YOURS to do? How to allow the other their joys and triumphs with out envy and one-upmanship? How to overcome that part of me that just CANNOT allow Jesus his expression of life and love.
Well.
That's where the cross comes in to play. Recognition. Repentance. Taking ownership rather than blameshifting. Times of refreshing for our own spirits and souls as we come out from under the self stuff that weighs us down and allows that enemy to steal, kill and destroy.
We must get unstuck from the abstract beauty of the ideas of community and brotherly love and be willing to walk through bloody messes at times. The rubber of our shoe bottoms must meet the road of life's realities.
Forgiveness. Setting ourselves free from that which wounded us. To see this as our response to the one who wounded is to stop far short of it's power. It is our response to the God who requires it of us. Yes, requires. If we can't then we repent of our inability. We forgive so that HE can set us and the wounder free from each other. Then we are both free to receive HIS judgement and healing.
I watched a movie called Invincible about Vince Papale who left the neighborhood in Philly to become an Eagle (yessss - football). I loved watching the dynamic of community and relationship in that movie and recommend it to anyone who would care to watch it.
My heart sings in prayer today for all those that God has given to Larry and I throughout our journey - beginning with our children, who are our heart of hearts.
We contend for this reality that we cannot define.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Don't define it
Community that is.
Christmas Eve. Fellowship with friends at Cheddars. The talk turns to relationship words. Words of appreciation to each other for how much the other means. One is amazed at the changes in himself and his approach to life - to people.
Driving home Larry and I are talking about community. And I have that revelatory moment.
Christmas Eve. Fellowship with friends at Cheddars. The talk turns to relationship words. Words of appreciation to each other for how much the other means. One is amazed at the changes in himself and his approach to life - to people.
But I say he's in the flow of what God is doing in this season. Community.... relationship.
Change on the outside requires change on the inside.
Transformation.
It is God who transforms us by His Spirit.
Driving home Larry and I are talking about community. And I have that revelatory moment.
Don't define it!!! Don't nail it down!!! Don't do anything that would give IT form and structure.
The natural human tendency is to do that very thing. And we must not. As Larry, reading this over my shoulder just said, it is defined by the moment. The present moment. Not for us to control. Not for us to contrive. Detriech Bonhoffer said "Those who live with/for the dream of community will destroy it". (Not an exact quote. That's me quoting Larry quoting Detriech.) But that's the point and the challenge before us in this season. Can we just "be" relationship with each other or do we have to do something to try to make an earthly show of a heavenly reality.
Thank you Jesus for that little reminder in my spirit last night. Back to my benchmark --- Am I being lifegiving to those you have connected me to - to the one in front of me, unkown? Am I just caring about them, not trying to fix them or to bring them "up to" something that I think is the standard that all should follow? Arrogance. Lord, it is not in my power to do this but it is in my power to choose to allow you the expression you choose at that moment. It is in my power to choose to love and to care and to respect and honor and if I will choose it you will empower me. It may not be in my power to knit my heart with others but it is in your power to do that knitting if I will but choose to allow you to demolish my defences.
Transformation.
A new place in the kingdom. "Come, follow me", Jesus said over and over to his disciples.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Some not very Christmasy thoughts about Christmas
So once again I'm challenged by a friend to express my thoughts. Credit to S. I've had this blog written for several days but was thinking about not posting it. I think the reason is that I'm now going into the area of opinions. I like that - because to me it is a going forward. It's scary because sometimes people don't like other people's opinions.
Oh well. It's my blog. My place for processing my thoughts. If I knew it was going to stop here that would be one thing but I've already started my next blog. This is me....growing.
Think I'll shut up here and just go with my not very Christmasy thoughts and let subsequent posts speak for themselves.
I’m OK with Christmas.
Really. I am. Sort of.
I believe I'm going to enjoy this Christmas season.
Lets say I’ve come to peace with Christmas. After 50+ years of living in it and for it now I live with it and can enjoy it on my own terms and on the terms I'm working out with my family.
As a child I lived in it. That’s what children do. I guess I enjoyed that season of the year as much as most kids did. We didn’t have much and mom and dad didn’t spend much and there was not this big decorating of the house thing or big cooking thing that went on. I don’t have any horrible memories of Christmas as a child but neither was it spectacular. We just did Christmas every year. I think it was when I began hanging with D as a teenager that I began to feel what Christmas can and can’t do for people. I’m not so sure that her Mom (single working mom) had lots of money but she knew how to make her money work for her. Christmas at D’s house meant a huge tree with what seemed to be hundreds of presents underneath. Vaguely I felt the difference. I was living in that time when I was very detached from the reality of life so it didn't really bother me much but neither have I forgotten it.
Then I became married with children and started living for it - starting about December 15 every year. Some Christmases we had money to spend and we spent. Other Christmases we didn’t have much money and we didn’t spend. But as my children got older I felt the effects of those times when I couldn’t spend and they would talk about what their friends got for Christmas. I never knew how to make money work for me. And it wasn't just the money. I had never established in my heart what Christmas was really about so if I couldn't give them "presents" then I seemed to have nothing to give even though I was a Christian.
Bless our hearts, Larry and I just never were the best money or time “managers”. So we were never really prepared. Sure I know that stuff is really about us but I also feel like all this has kept me from romanticizing the season. I won't be one of its major defenders because I don't think it's the be all and end all of Christian expression. And besides what you may be doing at home, when there’s kids involved, you also have school and all that is required of you from that quarter. And in my opinion the demands of the church were the worst. Honestly. Christianity defends Christmas and lives Christmas as if Christmas was ordained by God – and even a superficial study will show that it wasn’t. It is something born in the heart of men and the fact that God meets us here in special ways doesn’t change that. He uses every opportunity we give him to reveal himself as the LIGHT who came into the world. I don’t have a problem with the idea that we might want to set aside a day to celebrate the coming of our Christ into this world. Nothing wrong with that. I just think that Christmas is treated with an importance that is way out of proportion to what it really is.
And I don't think we need to get upset when others who do not believe what we do choose to use the season for their own purposes. (Think Festivus.) After all - according to some, feel free to research this yourself - we adopted a day from the pagan calendar so why should we get bothered when others want to adopt a day that we adopted from someone else. If people don't believe they are not going to start if they feel like they have to defend themselves and their own freedom from us. The reality of Christ is not necessarily seen in a nativity scene and is most likely not seen in its defenders.
As Christians we seem to insist that the rest of humanity see it the way we do. Unbelievers are not going to. Period. And nobody likes having something shoved down their throat. Christians don’t like it either. Would that all men become believers in Jesus the Savior but not so that we can all celebrate Christmas the same way.
I don't want to get carried away with this and won't go into details but I don't really like the way Christians who adhere to the Christian system express Christianity at Christmas time. At least not all of it. Can't make a blanket statement here.
My cry at Christmas would be for that freedom that Christ came to eventually purchase for us. The freedom of each one to do as they feel God would have them. Freedom from the need to perform. Freedom from unrealistic expectations imposed on us by society. Freedom to celebrate truth rather than traditions. I believe this can be a beautiful time of life each year.
I'm committed to finding that beauty within my family first and then to see what we have to offer a larger community.
Oh well. It's my blog. My place for processing my thoughts. If I knew it was going to stop here that would be one thing but I've already started my next blog. This is me....growing.
Think I'll shut up here and just go with my not very Christmasy thoughts and let subsequent posts speak for themselves.
I’m OK with Christmas.
Really. I am. Sort of.
I believe I'm going to enjoy this Christmas season.
Lets say I’ve come to peace with Christmas. After 50+ years of living in it and for it now I live with it and can enjoy it on my own terms and on the terms I'm working out with my family.
As a child I lived in it. That’s what children do. I guess I enjoyed that season of the year as much as most kids did. We didn’t have much and mom and dad didn’t spend much and there was not this big decorating of the house thing or big cooking thing that went on. I don’t have any horrible memories of Christmas as a child but neither was it spectacular. We just did Christmas every year. I think it was when I began hanging with D as a teenager that I began to feel what Christmas can and can’t do for people. I’m not so sure that her Mom (single working mom) had lots of money but she knew how to make her money work for her. Christmas at D’s house meant a huge tree with what seemed to be hundreds of presents underneath. Vaguely I felt the difference. I was living in that time when I was very detached from the reality of life so it didn't really bother me much but neither have I forgotten it.
Then I became married with children and started living for it - starting about December 15 every year. Some Christmases we had money to spend and we spent. Other Christmases we didn’t have much money and we didn’t spend. But as my children got older I felt the effects of those times when I couldn’t spend and they would talk about what their friends got for Christmas. I never knew how to make money work for me. And it wasn't just the money. I had never established in my heart what Christmas was really about so if I couldn't give them "presents" then I seemed to have nothing to give even though I was a Christian.
Bless our hearts, Larry and I just never were the best money or time “managers”. So we were never really prepared. Sure I know that stuff is really about us but I also feel like all this has kept me from romanticizing the season. I won't be one of its major defenders because I don't think it's the be all and end all of Christian expression. And besides what you may be doing at home, when there’s kids involved, you also have school and all that is required of you from that quarter. And in my opinion the demands of the church were the worst. Honestly. Christianity defends Christmas and lives Christmas as if Christmas was ordained by God – and even a superficial study will show that it wasn’t. It is something born in the heart of men and the fact that God meets us here in special ways doesn’t change that. He uses every opportunity we give him to reveal himself as the LIGHT who came into the world. I don’t have a problem with the idea that we might want to set aside a day to celebrate the coming of our Christ into this world. Nothing wrong with that. I just think that Christmas is treated with an importance that is way out of proportion to what it really is.
And I don't think we need to get upset when others who do not believe what we do choose to use the season for their own purposes. (Think Festivus.) After all - according to some, feel free to research this yourself - we adopted a day from the pagan calendar so why should we get bothered when others want to adopt a day that we adopted from someone else. If people don't believe they are not going to start if they feel like they have to defend themselves and their own freedom from us. The reality of Christ is not necessarily seen in a nativity scene and is most likely not seen in its defenders.
As Christians we seem to insist that the rest of humanity see it the way we do. Unbelievers are not going to. Period. And nobody likes having something shoved down their throat. Christians don’t like it either. Would that all men become believers in Jesus the Savior but not so that we can all celebrate Christmas the same way.
I don't want to get carried away with this and won't go into details but I don't really like the way Christians who adhere to the Christian system express Christianity at Christmas time. At least not all of it. Can't make a blanket statement here.
My cry at Christmas would be for that freedom that Christ came to eventually purchase for us. The freedom of each one to do as they feel God would have them. Freedom from the need to perform. Freedom from unrealistic expectations imposed on us by society. Freedom to celebrate truth rather than traditions. I believe this can be a beautiful time of life each year.
I'm committed to finding that beauty within my family first and then to see what we have to offer a larger community.
Community
That's a word that might start appearing in my blogs more. It's on my mind a lot. Our Kansas City experience was like a symphony that crescendoed at the end as we watched our group negotiate a transition. I describe that transition in my post from March 20, 2008 so I won't describe it here.
In about 30 years I have gone from being one who was reclusive, a loner in fact, to being one who desires community. I sought it out in KC with not so good results so I caution you to let God be the establisher of your community. The group we met with in KC was a God estabilished thing and it was very beautiful.
But I realized with this little experience of Larry's and mine of sharing a very small space together that Father is teaching US community. He is also teaching Larry and Me and Shan community. After all - we're family. Surely there must be community there. It would be lovely if I could talk about the history of us as a family in glowing terms where community is the subject. But I can't. We didn't do so well. We did OK.
As Larry and I began in KC to really understand our own differences I began to think of ways to put space between us. He created a man space downstairs so that I could have the upstairs. I had a bedroom with my computer and my stuff in it. My nobel thinking was to allow us the space to each be who we are. My not so nobel thinking was that I wanted to stop being aggravated with the contentions that would rise up between us.
Who US??
You betcha.
So I put a great distance between us. It wasn't conscious thinking on my part but I think it was part of the whole picture. We really didn't think we'd be apart as as long as we were but over time I settled into some routines that worked for me. Enter Larry. Just as I changed the dynamic of Shan's life with her dogs Larry changed the dynamic of my life and really the whole house.
Father doesn't want us to live apart. He doesn't want us to pass each other and say Hi, how's the weather. One of the reason's I knew getting in the same room in the evenings was important was that we weren't talking to each other much. Father is not the least upset by people rubbing up against each other. Doesn't he call it iron sharpening iron or something like that?
Our world is changing. Our country is changing. Christianity and it's ways are not the given in our society the way it was a generation ago. Could it be that we are going to have to learn this community thing as we get more and more boxed in by an unbelieving society? Could it be that those of us who chose to live outside the established structures of Christianity are going to find that we need each other more - even for something so basic as survival? Sounds drastic - but our world is changing. A generation ago Christians did not have to contend over the presence of nativity scenes or saying Merry Christmas. What will the generation after this bring - I'm not without hope for something better - a better expression of what life as a believer in Christ really means.
Community, I guess, starts at the lowest common denominator - a husband and wife, or parent and child, or whoever makes up the combination - and goes from there.
In about 30 years I have gone from being one who was reclusive, a loner in fact, to being one who desires community. I sought it out in KC with not so good results so I caution you to let God be the establisher of your community. The group we met with in KC was a God estabilished thing and it was very beautiful.
But I realized with this little experience of Larry's and mine of sharing a very small space together that Father is teaching US community. He is also teaching Larry and Me and Shan community. After all - we're family. Surely there must be community there. It would be lovely if I could talk about the history of us as a family in glowing terms where community is the subject. But I can't. We didn't do so well. We did OK.
As Larry and I began in KC to really understand our own differences I began to think of ways to put space between us. He created a man space downstairs so that I could have the upstairs. I had a bedroom with my computer and my stuff in it. My nobel thinking was to allow us the space to each be who we are. My not so nobel thinking was that I wanted to stop being aggravated with the contentions that would rise up between us.
Who US??
You betcha.
So I put a great distance between us. It wasn't conscious thinking on my part but I think it was part of the whole picture. We really didn't think we'd be apart as as long as we were but over time I settled into some routines that worked for me. Enter Larry. Just as I changed the dynamic of Shan's life with her dogs Larry changed the dynamic of my life and really the whole house.
Father doesn't want us to live apart. He doesn't want us to pass each other and say Hi, how's the weather. One of the reason's I knew getting in the same room in the evenings was important was that we weren't talking to each other much. Father is not the least upset by people rubbing up against each other. Doesn't he call it iron sharpening iron or something like that?
Our world is changing. Our country is changing. Christianity and it's ways are not the given in our society the way it was a generation ago. Could it be that we are going to have to learn this community thing as we get more and more boxed in by an unbelieving society? Could it be that those of us who chose to live outside the established structures of Christianity are going to find that we need each other more - even for something so basic as survival? Sounds drastic - but our world is changing. A generation ago Christians did not have to contend over the presence of nativity scenes or saying Merry Christmas. What will the generation after this bring - I'm not without hope for something better - a better expression of what life as a believer in Christ really means.
Community, I guess, starts at the lowest common denominator - a husband and wife, or parent and child, or whoever makes up the combination - and goes from there.
Friday, December 12, 2008
A thought for the day
Somebody close to me was presented with another problem this past week. The kind that causes stress and unhappyness. As I let my heart dwell on thoughts of her these thoughts came to me. I sent them to her in an email and thought I would post them here also.
I hope they will be an enouragement to anyone who reads them because, you know, I may be very imperfect but my DESIRE is to be lifegiving to all in my sphere. We all have problems in this life and keeping them in a right perspective is one of the keys to standing on them rather than laying down under them.
God created us to be problem solvers – therefore this life is full of problems to be solved. Sometimes the only way to make sense of all this is to get to the place where we can see ourselves in the eternal picture that God sees rather than the temporal picture by which we judge whether all is right in our world or not.
However God did not actually intend that we solve these problems alone. That’s why we are told to come boldly to His throne to ask for grace when we need it.
Remember this admonition in Philippians 4: 6-7
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises
shape your worries into prayers,
letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
Yes, it is.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
So many thoughts
So many thoughts go through my mind these days. I wish I could harness them. I'm thinking about how to go forward. Maybe I am going forward but I can't tell it because it doesn't look the way I think it should. I don't insist that it be my way. I just don't know what it is.
I feel like I'm standing still.
Larry has described us at times as a couple who stands in the place of contending against and contending for. I feel myself pulling towards a contending for....something. Maybe I can just describe it as the future.
Hmmm.
Ever since my last post I've been thinking about what I believe. Important stuff. We don't have any external structure to tell us what we believe. Mid '90's and we were challenged by something that happened to begin to think differently about what we believe. We realized that all we knew about what we thought was right and wrong had come to us through a denomination. A set of beliefs that originated with someone else. We said "OK, God, you teach us what's right and wrong". Lots of changes since then.
Arthur Burke has a teaching where he talks about four pillars. These are the absolutes in his life that all else has to submit to (for lack of better expression). Perhaps that's what is going on in my life right now. I'm building my pillars.
One of these things I am absolutely convinced of after years of contending with God over many issues. I believe that he is good and that all his intentions for us are good.
That one I'm sure of.
I need to write more. I work and stuff so writing doesn't always happen. But even though I go through all the normal everyday stuff of life my insides are busy, busy.
Thinking. Looking for something to come.
I feel like I'm standing still.
Larry has described us at times as a couple who stands in the place of contending against and contending for. I feel myself pulling towards a contending for....something. Maybe I can just describe it as the future.
Hmmm.
Ever since my last post I've been thinking about what I believe. Important stuff. We don't have any external structure to tell us what we believe. Mid '90's and we were challenged by something that happened to begin to think differently about what we believe. We realized that all we knew about what we thought was right and wrong had come to us through a denomination. A set of beliefs that originated with someone else. We said "OK, God, you teach us what's right and wrong". Lots of changes since then.
Arthur Burke has a teaching where he talks about four pillars. These are the absolutes in his life that all else has to submit to (for lack of better expression). Perhaps that's what is going on in my life right now. I'm building my pillars.
One of these things I am absolutely convinced of after years of contending with God over many issues. I believe that he is good and that all his intentions for us are good.
That one I'm sure of.
I need to write more. I work and stuff so writing doesn't always happen. But even though I go through all the normal everyday stuff of life my insides are busy, busy.
Thinking. Looking for something to come.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Getting to the place of defining
A couple of days ago I was at the blogsite of a young lady whose thoughts I like to read. She’s 28 (I think she said) right now and she wrote out a statement of her beliefs. I was impressed. It was so well written – so clear – so concise – so definite. Of course, she did add her disclaimer at the end pointing out that she was a work in progress and would no doubt change some over time. I was glad to see that addition – I think we need to realize that we are works in progress. It’s what I’m talking about when I speak of the evolution of me.
I also wondered if I could do what she did. I wondered if I could set down in words what I believe. A Personal Manifesto as it were. I think when I was 28 I could have done something like that with as much definiteness as she did.
At 52 I don’t think I can.
There are a couple of things at work in me that keep me from it. One is something like this quote from Frank Peretti – “When I was young I knew exactly what God was going to do – but I didn’t trust him. Now that I am old(er) I don’t know what he’s going to do – but I trust him”. I think that quote explains as well as anything I know the change that has taken place in me over the years. To trust him without being in control was a battle hard fought over years and eventually won. Yes, I say won with confidence. The more I know the more I realize I don’t know and it’s hard to say anything in so definite a way. The other thing has to do with being in this place of transition. I left KC and “a life” about 10 months ago and I feel stirring within me a desire for the new life to begin to manifest itself. I am "feeling" some things very strongly right now. I could probably, at least, list what I believe are some elements of that new life.
*Things that I feel that God has deposited within Larry and me.
*Things that have been taught to us by Holy Spirit and instilled into us by his work in our lives. *Things that are realities of the Heavenly Kingdom that we have entered into citizenship in.
But I guess I'm not going to - at least not right now or in this way.
Right now these "things" are not in any kind of manifestation – or at least not much. But I don’t even know what they are supposed to look like now. In the moment that we were living them out as Holy Spirit was teaching us I was very sure of what they were supposed to look like. Maybe they ARE in manifestation and I just can’t see them since I don't know what they're supposed to look like – but I don’t think so. I just keep feeling that there is something more – and please don’t think I mean ministry. I mean LIVING LIFE and EXPRESSING GOD AS I LIVE LIFE. Some place in the kingdom that we haven't quite gotten to yet. I don’t know what that’s supposed to look like but I’m convinced it looks like something that I’m not seeing right now.
But I also know that Larry and I are not quite off the bridge. It's probably not quite time for some things. Stay cool my heels - you don't want to MAKE something happen. Been there/done that - not so good.
Going back to the dream my friend had about me having a baby. I think I had that baby and now I must nurture it and give it time to grow.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thanksgiving Day in Pictures
FAVORITE THANKSGIVING DAY FIXINS
A yummy turkey in the oven
Cornbread Dressing and Green Bean Casserole
Fresh Sweet Corn cut from the cob
Piper to keep the kitchen floor clean - Ruby, cleaner in training
A yummy turkey in the oven
Cornbread Dressing and Green Bean Casserole
Fresh Sweet Corn cut from the cob
Piper to keep the kitchen floor clean - Ruby, cleaner in training
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thanksgiving Day
And for about a week now I've been thinking about being thankful and what I'm thankful for. I have not always been a thankful person. But today, older and wiser, having a better understanding of life and of my God, I am truly thankful for many many things - and people.
I'm thankful to be where I am in life. Thankful to be here in Dallas and thankful that my husband is with me and I love him and he loves me. I am thankful knowing that even this is part of Father's plan for us and there is purpose here. Thankful for the days to come and all the good things that we are going to find in this new land. I am thankful that HIS yoke is easy and his burden is light. Mine was surely not.
I am thankful for my children - for who they are and who God created them to be. They are strong and healthy and intelligent and beautiful and I love them. I am thankful for the ways in which I see God's hand in their lives. I am thankful for his provision for them.
I am thankful for all the obstacles, trials and difficulties that have been a part of our journey - as individuals and as a family. These are the things that make us grow. These things are part of the transformation journey that our lives are.
I am thankful for my natural family - brothers and sisters - in law and out law - and for the history - the roots - we share. And for Daddy Patrick still being with us and for my mom and dad and Larry's mom - all with the Lord now and for their care of me and love for me. I love them.
I am thankful for our large spiritual family. Some are people in now far away places with different paths to walk but still in the same land called the Kingdom of Heaven. I'm thankful for telephones, and email and Facebook and such things for keeping us connected. Some are people in this city with us with whom we will walk out some of God's purposes in a close way. Some are people that we never see and never talk to but still I feel the kinship with them because we are connected to the same head who is Jesus. I love them all.
I am thankful for all the deposit of God that has come to me from these people and the experiences of my life.
We come into His gates with thanksgiving and enter His courts with praise. I wish I could say that I had always lived in this place but I can surely say that I'm spending more and more time there these days and am working at making that my permanent residence.
I am thankful above all that God saw fit to reveal himself to me and by faith in Jesus to make me His child. I'm thankful that He holds me and those I love and carry in my heart close to His heart always. I love Him.
I'm thankful to be where I am in life. Thankful to be here in Dallas and thankful that my husband is with me and I love him and he loves me. I am thankful knowing that even this is part of Father's plan for us and there is purpose here. Thankful for the days to come and all the good things that we are going to find in this new land. I am thankful that HIS yoke is easy and his burden is light. Mine was surely not.
I am thankful for my children - for who they are and who God created them to be. They are strong and healthy and intelligent and beautiful and I love them. I am thankful for the ways in which I see God's hand in their lives. I am thankful for his provision for them.
I am thankful for all the obstacles, trials and difficulties that have been a part of our journey - as individuals and as a family. These are the things that make us grow. These things are part of the transformation journey that our lives are.
I am thankful for my natural family - brothers and sisters - in law and out law - and for the history - the roots - we share. And for Daddy Patrick still being with us and for my mom and dad and Larry's mom - all with the Lord now and for their care of me and love for me. I love them.
I am thankful for our large spiritual family. Some are people in now far away places with different paths to walk but still in the same land called the Kingdom of Heaven. I'm thankful for telephones, and email and Facebook and such things for keeping us connected. Some are people in this city with us with whom we will walk out some of God's purposes in a close way. Some are people that we never see and never talk to but still I feel the kinship with them because we are connected to the same head who is Jesus. I love them all.
I am thankful for all the deposit of God that has come to me from these people and the experiences of my life.
We come into His gates with thanksgiving and enter His courts with praise. I wish I could say that I had always lived in this place but I can surely say that I'm spending more and more time there these days and am working at making that my permanent residence.
I am thankful above all that God saw fit to reveal himself to me and by faith in Jesus to make me His child. I'm thankful that He holds me and those I love and carry in my heart close to His heart always. I love Him.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Feeling slumpy
How hard it can be sometimes to do the things I ought to do. Things that there is no reason for me not to do. I just don’t. Procrastination is one thing we call this. But procrastination can turn into lethargy – even apathy. Yes, I think in some ways I am suffering from these things. I’m speaking Photographically here. There are projects that I had in mind to accomplish during my time here. I didn’t get them accomplished. I did some but I didn't finish anything. And there are things I would like to be doing weekly or daily. I wish I could cite some good reasons for this but I can’t. And now because I haven't done them I think I'm avoiding them.
I feel sometimes like what Paul said in Romans:
I know part of my problem is the need to see the end from the beginning. A blessing because I take my time and look at the larger picture – A curse because if I can’t mentally traverse the whole of the idea – in other words if I reach a point where I don’t know what the next step is – I sort of stop right there. If this happens repeatedly then I guess I get tired of trying. And silly me – even if circumstances make it difficult to actually TAKE pictures right now there are other things to do – related things that I really want to do. It's not like I don't know HOW to put pics up on Flickr. It's ridiculous.
A crisis would be helpful right now because I’m not afraid of making a decision when I have to but if I don’t have to…..then why would I? But I don’t WANT any crises in my life right now.
Maybe this is one of those hiatus times when it seems that nothing is happening but really it is. Yeah Yeah that's what it is. I keep saying that.
Well, I know this about me too. I don’t live comfortably in non-constructive unproductiveness either so after a while I will rouse myself and shake my self off me and get about the business of doing something. I sound like a person who operates on pulse time but really pulse time drives me crazy – actually I operate on cyclical (or is that circular) time and well, I can see that in operation here too. I'm going in circles.
One thing’s for sure – it will all be there when I get to it.
I feel sometimes like what Paul said in Romans:
For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
Sounds a little melodramatic I guess but it’s true. Alas it’s true of me. How I do put things off. I mourn me sometimes. Not too heavily I suppose. Like the guy in the Jane Austen story said (my paraphrase)….allow me to feel my sin for the moment – it will pass soon enough. I love me. Once I would have gone to the depths of despair but now I just comment and shrug my shoulders.
I know part of my problem is the need to see the end from the beginning. A blessing because I take my time and look at the larger picture – A curse because if I can’t mentally traverse the whole of the idea – in other words if I reach a point where I don’t know what the next step is – I sort of stop right there. If this happens repeatedly then I guess I get tired of trying. And silly me – even if circumstances make it difficult to actually TAKE pictures right now there are other things to do – related things that I really want to do. It's not like I don't know HOW to put pics up on Flickr. It's ridiculous.
A crisis would be helpful right now because I’m not afraid of making a decision when I have to but if I don’t have to…..then why would I? But I don’t WANT any crises in my life right now.
Maybe this is one of those hiatus times when it seems that nothing is happening but really it is. Yeah Yeah that's what it is. I keep saying that.
It's a good line. I need to just stick to it.
A time when things are adjusting themselves on the inside of me. I know that is happening – the adjusting thing. My inner landscape IS being redesigned in preparation for something new that is coming.
Well, I know this about me too. I don’t live comfortably in non-constructive unproductiveness either so after a while I will rouse myself and shake my self off me and get about the business of doing something. I sound like a person who operates on pulse time but really pulse time drives me crazy – actually I operate on cyclical (or is that circular) time and well, I can see that in operation here too. I'm going in circles.
One thing’s for sure – it will all be there when I get to it.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Tonight is my last night here in Dallas without my husband. Hooray for that.
Sometime tomorrow HE will arrive home with a truck full of stuff. Not much stuff – once again - as we have downsized considerably over the last few years and leaving all the appliances at the house in KC. Still a full truck of stuff. I have lots of stuff in boxes. I’ve gotten very mama-bearish about my stuff because I’ve gotten rid of so many things in 34 years of moving every few years. I’ve gotten rid of things that I later grieved over. Like books – once we got rid of lots of books and I never got over that. Books are precious. You should never get rid of good books.
It’s just stuff you say? No - it’s the stuff of my earthly life. And we are living an earthly life until the heavenly happens. There's history in the stuff. What I would give right now to have some of the things from the early years of this family. I would have loved to have had a place to keep the piano that my grandmother bought the year I was born and gave to me when I was in grade school. I took it with me from place to place for a while. Poor Larry – I used to say that I knew he loved me by the way he moved that piano. But moving took its toll on it and now it’s gone and the sheet music from my mother’s day and well…like I said there are just some things I wish I had kept. I never had any real talent anyway. Larry built a few pieces of furniture back in the 80s that I have so often wished I had kept. That’s unlikely to happen again. Had I been able to look into the future to see this hour of our life I would have packed more boxes and kept the stuff no matter what. But sometimes you just have to let things go and maybe it’s just part of the package of my life and I don’t seriously grieve over things (like I did a few times in the past) because God gives me perspective but still…sometimes I think of these things and just have to deal with it again because these things really speak to the larger picture of the life I have lived and to me --- they matter.
But I’ve kept the best thing and that would be Larry. My love and my best friend. I loved him in the beginning and while over the years I have felt pretty much every emotion there is that one human being can feel toward another the love is what wins out every time. So I look forward to the moment he drives up tomorrow in that truck full of the stuff of our life. The stuff we will use to begin our life here. The life we are going into is not like the life we are coming out of. We are here to settle. Settle down. Stop. We’re not there yet. I’m thinking we’re going to stand on the edge of this bridge together for a few months more, surveying the garden of our personal life and the land we are to inhabit after we step off the bridge. There is an odd thing that happens when people are in transition. You find yourself in a place of not being what you were but also – not yet what you are going to be. There is a tendency to fill the void that is created in that place and you look to what you know. For me that is very often going to the past. My mind looks toward the past and grasps some “what ifs” and “I wishes”. But there is a future to walk into and Larry and I will do it together. We have some new perspectives and we will take with us all the good stuff that a difficult journey has given us. I look forward to seeing what Father has in mind for Larry to do now. He was pretty specific that He had something in mind. I look forward to looking for a home together and then making it an expression of us. I look forward to becoming part of the community of friends and family that we have already had here for years. I look forward to family reunions with the KC peeps. I look forward to seeing what our new found stability will do for our family. I look forward to seeing what 10 years from now looks like.
As Kim Clement said once in his sing song prophecying "You're somewhere, in the future, and you look much better than you do right now."
Sometime tomorrow HE will arrive home with a truck full of stuff. Not much stuff – once again - as we have downsized considerably over the last few years and leaving all the appliances at the house in KC. Still a full truck of stuff. I have lots of stuff in boxes. I’ve gotten very mama-bearish about my stuff because I’ve gotten rid of so many things in 34 years of moving every few years. I’ve gotten rid of things that I later grieved over. Like books – once we got rid of lots of books and I never got over that. Books are precious. You should never get rid of good books.
It’s just stuff you say? No - it’s the stuff of my earthly life. And we are living an earthly life until the heavenly happens. There's history in the stuff. What I would give right now to have some of the things from the early years of this family. I would have loved to have had a place to keep the piano that my grandmother bought the year I was born and gave to me when I was in grade school. I took it with me from place to place for a while. Poor Larry – I used to say that I knew he loved me by the way he moved that piano. But moving took its toll on it and now it’s gone and the sheet music from my mother’s day and well…like I said there are just some things I wish I had kept. I never had any real talent anyway. Larry built a few pieces of furniture back in the 80s that I have so often wished I had kept. That’s unlikely to happen again. Had I been able to look into the future to see this hour of our life I would have packed more boxes and kept the stuff no matter what. But sometimes you just have to let things go and maybe it’s just part of the package of my life and I don’t seriously grieve over things (like I did a few times in the past) because God gives me perspective but still…sometimes I think of these things and just have to deal with it again because these things really speak to the larger picture of the life I have lived and to me --- they matter.
But I’ve kept the best thing and that would be Larry. My love and my best friend. I loved him in the beginning and while over the years I have felt pretty much every emotion there is that one human being can feel toward another the love is what wins out every time. So I look forward to the moment he drives up tomorrow in that truck full of the stuff of our life. The stuff we will use to begin our life here. The life we are going into is not like the life we are coming out of. We are here to settle. Settle down. Stop. We’re not there yet. I’m thinking we’re going to stand on the edge of this bridge together for a few months more, surveying the garden of our personal life and the land we are to inhabit after we step off the bridge. There is an odd thing that happens when people are in transition. You find yourself in a place of not being what you were but also – not yet what you are going to be. There is a tendency to fill the void that is created in that place and you look to what you know. For me that is very often going to the past. My mind looks toward the past and grasps some “what ifs” and “I wishes”. But there is a future to walk into and Larry and I will do it together. We have some new perspectives and we will take with us all the good stuff that a difficult journey has given us. I look forward to seeing what Father has in mind for Larry to do now. He was pretty specific that He had something in mind. I look forward to looking for a home together and then making it an expression of us. I look forward to becoming part of the community of friends and family that we have already had here for years. I look forward to family reunions with the KC peeps. I look forward to seeing what our new found stability will do for our family. I look forward to seeing what 10 years from now looks like.
As Kim Clement said once in his sing song prophecying "You're somewhere, in the future, and you look much better than you do right now."
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