A new prayer project

Last night I began a new prayer project. Or maybe I began a new prayer journey. I don't know which to call it at this point but I am sure that if I begin to pray as God has shown me how to pray that this project will be a journey.

God has many times given me strategies to deal with the tough things in my life. Such as when I needed to get my mind free from the death wish and he inspired a prayer for me to pray at least once a day like taking a spiritual vitamin. Some days I prayed it more than once and many times through clinched teeth and tears.

This one also involves what I would call a prophetic act. By that word prophetic I mean an act or action which takes that which is spirit and brings it into the natural world. Probably one of the strangest things I have ever done but HEY, why should Jeremiah have all the (?)fun.

Another journey within the larger journey of my life. Another journey to be walked out even as I walk out the other journeys I'm already on. And I suspect that this is going to be a long one. Maybe not, but I'm prepared for it to be.

No details of course. This is too personal. But I wanted to record this moment.

Thank you father for making your wisdom so available to us.

It begins again

The healing journey that is.

Wow.

Wow. Wow.

I knew when God touched that deep place in me that prevented me from trusting him that it was not the last thing to be dealt with. It's just that I had to go there in order to go where I'm going now.

So many thoughts and feelings are running through me. These days since moving into the apartment have become very strange as new and different sensations have moved through me. I didn't know what to think of some of them. I have said and done things out of some hidden places within myself that leave me once again not feeling too great about myself. Tears come anytime of the day. The old triggers are still active.

At this point I just can't do details or explanations.

I feel so tired right now.

I want to blog about this. I haven't been able to pull thoughts together to write. I don't want to retreat inside myself. I acknowledge that blogging is a way to keep my door open and still keep myself in a safe place. I still need that.

God, once again, in his amazing wisdom and timing has brought information that speaks to this place and time of my transformation journey. He's really good that way. And there is so much that can help us to understand.

I'm so thankful for such people as John and Paula Sanford, Arthur Burk and now Paul Hegstrom who have shared the understanding of our spirit, soul and body that God has given them with all who wish to listen.

It seems we begin with the question - What's going on with me. And there is confusion and a host of emotions that seem to have no explanation. In my past this would be a point of no return - a spiral into the black hole of despair.

But not today. Today I'm thankful for the teaching Larry and I just listened to about our brain, and memories and reactions and responses and triggers and the actual physical renewing of the mind; the death of the old man as the new one emerges.

I willing take this walk with my Father. I know things will be better at the end of this path. And now I'm not afraid.

New Life in the Garden

Last week a conversation. Us and our daughter. Language Barriers interfered with the making of plans. We said.... She heard.... and there was missed opportunity and there was hurt.

Last night a conversation. Me and my daughter. Language Barriers began to be overcome. Understanding came. Can't undo what is - that gets consigned to opportunities missed.

Last night beauty came from the dying of old thought patterns - old behavior patterns. New life for the future.

Newness springs from the detritus of the old and grows in the fractal/garden of our life.

Death and Loss and Beauty

These pictures were taken in Kansas City, during that period of time when the weather was thinking about spring but all around was the signs of death from the winter. I had gone out that day because the temperature was bearable and I had cabin fever. I went to a favorite park to what I could see.

Among many other beautiful or interesting things I saw these leaves - these brown curls holding strong to their limbs - not yet ousted by the new.

last years leaves making one last statement about their own beauty

So is death beautiful?

OR

Can anything beautiful be found in that place?

We all experience death.

Sometimes our people die. People we love. My parents did and even though sometimes I wish they were still here - there was much beauty to be found in that place before the new had even begun to spring forth.

Two of the most amazing experiences of my life.
























There are other deaths that we deal with also. The death of a dream or a plan or a hope.

Not to mention that for some hope is lost entirely. I don't know that there is any beauty to be found there because to lose hope entirely is to give up on God and every other possibility.

It does happen.
























But the death of dreams is a common one, I believe, in the world of humans. We live for dreams. We are told to dream and never stop dreaming and, you know, "it's never too late".

I have found that there is beauty to be found at such times. If those dreams are not founded on reality - if they are houses built on sand and not on the Rock then they need to die.

I have found it hard to let some dreams die. Especially the ones having to do with family. But sometimes you must let the dreams go just like you let the people go when they die. I am experiencing this type of death in my natural fractal/garden even as I am experiencing new life in a spiritual fractal/garden.





















The beauty I see in this death is that it releases life that needs to come forth.

Here is where trusting God and his ways is most important - and where the great struggle of so many years of my life has been.....there is a period of time in which no life can be seen. If beauty is going to be found at all it must be found in the moment - even the moment of death.

Father told me in 2004 that I would learn to live in the present moment. So I must live in the place where I see only the dried up remains of what was.

I need to open my eyes to see what a nice color the brown is. I need to look close enough to really see the curls. I need to stop long enough to appreciate the unique shape of each leaf - each group of leaves.

There is a verse that speaks of us seeing the face of God without a veil over our face. Looking fully into his face and being transformed in that moment. I heard this scripture quoted the most during the days of the soaking meetings where we would get together and sit in the presence of God and worship. Those were good times.

But I found that being able to see the face of God in the types of things that would be symbolized by the dead leaves are the transforming times of my life.

So I live in this present moment, acknowledging my grief until God's touch can completely heal it, but no longer fighting for my dream.

Time to let go - even where I love.

Reacting to this world

I don't usually do more than one post at a time but I think I might start because sometimes I have thoughts that follow thoughts. Yeah - I probably should just go with it, especially when I know I have the time, like now.

I know that there are some people who struggle more in this life than others. I've talked some about choosing and my thoughts about choosing continue because I know that for some to choose it's harder than for others. And there are some who think they are choosing but really they are just responding to the driving forces within themselves. To choose is an action, not a reaction.

Anyway - I want to share this idea from Elijah House Ministries. When I heard it as part of one of their teaching sets I thought it was a completely radical idea but I had no problem accepting it. I know they are not the only ones to whom God has revealed the beginning of each person's life this way. See Gene Edwards also for one.

They speak of the spirits (us) who are with God in the place where he dwells before being born of woman into earth. Gene Edwards in his book The Divine Romance speaks of the spirits in the Hall of Destiny waiting to see what will be theirs. A friend I had in the late "80s was telling me the story of her and she said that after becoming a Christian she asked God about the life that she had lived and he said to her (don't remember the exact words) that she had agreed with him about her life before being born. My son is another one. Probably 10 years ago he said he felt compelled to live his life. (I had a hard time with that. I think I'm finally catching up.)

So then the Sanford's (Elijah House founders) describe what the journey from heaven to earth must be like......

Imagine being in the pristine atmosphere of Heaven, in the presence of this splendid Creator/Sustainor/All Powerful/Beyond our earthly comprehension Good God. We are spirit living in the environment that we were created for having sprung from God's very essence and being. For reasons that we only barely comprehend now (if at all) but no doubt understood then, God has created EARTH and TIME and this completely different atmosphere. He has asked us spirits to come here and dwell within bodies made of dirt; to live here in a polluted atmosphere and to live..... A LIFE. It is a life we agreed to before we came. But O the journey of getting here. Nine months in the womb of flesh, absorbing WHAT? The stuff of your parents lives including the generations from which they came. Some are born into homes that are prepared and waiting, some not. Some are born to people who seem to have a grasp on how to grow into being a parent, some not. Some are born into homes not fit for anything. Even in the best case though, if you think about it, the difference between heaven's atmosphere and earth's atmosphere has to be indescribable. No matter how good our intentions as we agree to come here to live it would seem that some of us absolutely reject it once we get here. We never reconcile to being here. We can't seem to breath this air without choking. We look around us and wonder why we have to be here. The reactions run the gamut, I'm sure, from those that embrace life and are OK to those who simply cannot and leave on their own terms.

I wonder sometimes what life would have been like for me had I not come to know my God through the Savior. The seeds of depression were there from the beginning of me and began to manifest before I became a believer. My long journey to sanity and wholeness has been about becoming as reconciled to God as he is to me. Whatever the spiritual realities are that required the coming of a Sacrifice/Savior, the accomplishing of that act completely and utterly reconciled God to me and in his own heart, me to him. The reconciliation of me to him is my journey and my choice. It is the work of my lifetime. This is the work he has for us all - that we believe.

Being reconciled to God is not a mental exercise but we often treat it as one, giving lip service to it just as we do so many "Christian" ideals. It is a reality of a spiritual kingdom. As I become more reconciled to him I find it easier to accept the unacceptable because I am increasing able to accept that His plan for Earth/Time is larger than anything I could have ever conceived. I am part of his expression on the earth. Is the gang banger? the murderer? the terrorist? the hindu? muslim? buddhist? MY answers to those questions are not as pat as they once were. There is, I believe, more here than is meeting our eyes.

When Larry and I left the organized church the walls of religious thinking began to crumble. They had to just for us to be able to walk out the door. But over the years we have said many times - You can walk out of the structure in a day but it will take years for it to be gotten out of you. Well, after all these years I think more of that structure is crumbling within me.

As we were leaving a church situation once (on our journey out) there was a situation that I was asking God about and I asked something like this... God, the church has been doing this "thing" this way for hundreds of years. Can the church have been wrong for all this time? His answer was a quiet yes.

Any carpenter knows that if you get off by 1/8 inch in the beginning of a project by the time you are done you will be off by much more than than that if you do correct it somewhere. Just because we -Christianity- does things or believes things a certain way and has for many years that doesn't mean it didn't get off somewhere hundreds of years ago. Our relationship must be with the living Word within us and we must trust that the work he began he can finish. It just might not look like what we thought it would when HE is finished with HIS work.

Well, I've done some writing today but I sure feel better. Very cathartic. If you've read this far - both posts - I'm quite impressed.

After the moment

Monday morning. My last post was written on Friday. I'm amazed still at how cathartic writing can be. It's a way to organize your thoughts. It helps you win in the battleground of your mind. After I published my post I very quickly began to feel better, once again above and not below these circumstances. Part of that I know comes from stopping to actually look at what's happening. Over the years I've found that as long as my enemy stays hidden he retains a power over me. Recognition is an important part of the process of getting free.

Smart me to stop and examine what was happening. Smart me to listen to the promptings of my spirit. I just didn't like doing that knowing that people would be reading it - at least not that time. I re-read my post this morning and even though it doesn't sound so bad - certainly no worse than others I've written - it felt worse because I was in the moment. I do still try to remember to be lifegiving with whatever I write. In times past my rants and tirades were anything but lifegiving.

I'm very thankful at this moment for all that Holy Spirit has taught me over the last 15 (?) years. It started with spiritual warfare intercession and then went to deliverance then inner healing. I have ministered some of this to others but I will forever maintain that it's purpose was really because the God who created me wanted to set ME free and transform ME. What I can do for others I will but I'm not looking to be the "doctor" for what is happening in someone else's life. I'd rather be teacher - the one who teaches them how to fish as it were - so that they can then LIVE this reality. Actually that's not correct either. Holy Spirit is our Teacher, Counselor, Guide and works in us with the Strength he worked in Jesus to raise him from the dead to raise us from death to life. If anything I would be His assistant. Freely I have received - freely I would give.

See, I never take my mental and emotional wholeness for granted. I am what I am. He didn't fix me. He has taught me how to LIVE above. The principles of the kingdom are not for ooooing and aaahhhing over at the latest conference or for having someone else DO them so you can be the receiver. They are for us to learn, live and become something other than earthly beings.

Father has fathered me and he knew that I needed to be called to account in many areas so that I would grow - become more mature and take responsibility where appropriate and rightly divide the responsibility so that I could then reject false responsibility. We are in fact still working on these things. I know there is more to come. I know that there is still within me some inappropriate grief over the issues of my life. Here is an incident of understanding what is appropriate and what is not. Nothing wrong with grief and God does sometimes require that one live with pain - think Jacob and Paul and Joseph and Abraham and, and, and. But there is a grief that is not from him and I think some of that still rules over me where my life is concerned. Any yet I may have lived exactly the life that God chose for me. My son lives a life very different that what I would have planned for him. And yet he may be living what God would have notwithstanding some things that could be tweaked. But who am I to decide what would need to be tweaked and what would not? God said to me once concerning him that "he would walk in unusual places". So he may be walking where God wants him to walk. He is a grown man in this world. Surely God's not going to check with me on every thing he does. There are things that I was so sure of for so many years and I feel a chipping away at these things. Old statuary in the Garden. Did I build that or did You, Father?

Give me the grace to always be able to question me and to determine what is me trying to accomplish temporal purposes. Your's are eternal and your thoughts are higher than mine. Having said that I know that you are so willing to share your heart and mind with the yielded human heart and mind. Make me yielded so I can hear and see.

In the moment

I wonder if I can write this post.

Work is mostly done for the month so I sit here in the quiet of my little corner space where I am all alone. Sometimes I wish I were more a part of the life of this place but then I think maybe this was one of those little orchestrations of God to put me in a place where I - at least for a few days as month - have time and space and am locked down in a sense to a single spot so that my A D D self has to focus.

My thoughts are heavy today - it's been building up - this thought pool. I have felt it as negative thoughts have flitting across my mind - negative feelings wanting to find expression. I shoo them away but sooner or later I have to stop and think them and try to know why I'm thinking them and why my feelings are doing what they're doing and in this process to figure out if Father is trying to speak something to me or am I in intercession or both.

The garden of my little family is drawing my attention right now. That ever changing fractal.

Garden = Battleground.

War among the roses.

The fragrance of life mingles with the fragrance of death.

I'm not afraid of this feeling. In times past I would have been because of not trusting God to really care but now I know he does. But I wonder at God's orchestrations sometimes. Larry and I have been at times, in the lives of people younger than ourselves, what I would love for us to be to our own children. But then, at least in some cases, their parents aren't being what they need. God has provided for our daughter that one who can help her uproot some things and rearrange her personal garden. This is a person for her whereas for me it was a variety of teachers through books and tapes and videos and only the occasional human involvement. I can only hope that our son now has or at some point will have someone to help him with the work in his garden.

God sets the lonely in families doesn't he. And could it be that families - according to him - are actually made up differently than what we see in the natural. This is something I've pondered for years. We define family by these earthly boundaries but I wonder, and no doubt, they are real and to be observed but I do wonder if God is really seeing the same thing I'm seeing. Look anywhere in the Bible and you see that God is not necessarily functioning by the rules of family as he moves in the lives of people and places them where he wills as he works out his eternal purposes through natural avenues. It is difficult for my mother's heart to deal with this. That doesn't mean that I actually lose them but it means I don't get to be the ALL otherwise known as the mama. My goodness - my kids are in their 30s. You'd think I'd be over some of this by now. But I'm not. Ok, I'm over some of it. I'm definitely better. I'm sure this is just another layer being taken off.

This brings me to the real focal point of my thought pool. The big drip hitting the middle and sending the ripples out to the edges. (Boy I wish I had a picture for this!)

It's that saying - It's never too late. I call BS on that statement. Sometimes it is too late.

I cannot go back and be and do what I would have been and done had I known what to be and do. No parent can and for me nothing replaces that. My children will never be my babies again. I will never again have the chance to make THAT difference that the years of childhood are given for. If everything fell into place today and suddenly my family life became idyllic according to my definition of that, it would still not give me the memories I would like to have or the sense of accomplishment in this arena of life. It would not erase consequences of choices and decisions made that might have been made differently. My children would still have endured what to my mind is unnecessary pain. But is it unnecessary? I know from God's dealings with me and from my observing of those people in the Bible that suffering has great value in the kingdom. Suffering equates to precious jewels there. I accept that for me but I have trouble accepting for them.

Having said that I know that it's never to late to be as life giving to my children now as I'm able. The thing is - do they really want what I have to offer? Sometimes they do but sometimes they don't. And sometimes we have language barriers and other things that are very hard to overcome.

Sigh. By now I am fighting the battle with tears.

Ok - more processing. Take this thing apart and find the pattern.

The statements I just made are about ME. My LOSS in all this.

The pattern as I have observed it over the years is something like this...

• My spirit gets stirred as intercession for unseen/unknown issues begins. All I know is that my daughter has recently had some breakthroughs and communication with our son is at a standstill.
• My soul begins to FEEL the intercession. That intercession is very uncomfortable so my soul jumps in with it's crap because it can't stand to not be the center of attention.
• My mind gets distracted with thoughts that echo the feelings and I begin to focus on the things that are still issues with me like what I just said about it being too late, etc. In times past, when depression reigned supreme with all it's fears and lack of trust, this is the point at which I would begin to spiral down into the black hole of anger and despair.
• BUT TODAY - At this point I chuckled and that has forever been a sign of release within my spirit. It almost always happens at the point where I recognize the enemy in my soul. He only works effectively in the dark. When he is revealed then I can reject him and he looses.

Now, dear reader, please know that this is one post that I did not want to write. I did not want the door to be open. I did not want to let you in. I felt and still feel somewhat exposed in a way that I don't like. I have that feeling as though I have been in a great battle. I feel kind of tired. That is the effect of my own efforts for myself. I know that I will continue to carry this intercession for my children as long as Holy Spirit is redoing some things in the Garden.


It's one of the few times that I felt compelled to write and that the writing was more than just me working out my own issues. So let Holy Spirit be your teacher and counselor and take from this what matters to your life.

Here is hope. This is one of the good things I bring from my journey. Understanding that the new harvest begins in the detritus of the old season.

Faith and Trust

"I look for faith that immediately lays to rest the doubts of the day as they arise." Two Listeners aka God Calling.

I spent many years having faith in a God that I did not trust. I awoke to every new day with faith in God - faith that he existed, that he was my savior. I live a certain life because of faith in him.

I also awoke each day without any trust. My faith did extend to his goodness because his goodness did not seem to extend to me. There fore I did not trust him even tho I had faith in him. To have faith in him is his own gift to us. To trust him is our gift to him? Yet we can't even trust him unless he sets us free from the fear that he won't take care of us.

To have a faith that immediately lays to rest the doubts of the day I must know and trust in the aspect of his nature that is his goodness.

I have understood and accepted that he is good without truly feeling it. I have stated it and declared it without feeling it. That is faith I think. But I wouldn't say that I woke up feeling that kind of faith. Perhaps for some it is that easy. Certainly if those are his words then it must be easy.

I think it probably is easy for the one who has come to know him as a God who can be trusted. Faith and trust are so close and yet they are not the same. Perhaps it is that neither can find full expression without the other.

Painting

The following is something I received in my email at work this morning. As I read it I kept thinking about the post I wrote this morning before leaving for work. I kept thinking about us painting and is that nuts or not and it's like this email spoke to my heart - confirming once again, that it's not just OK that we paint - it's REALLY OK that we paint. This is what we do for US. It's what we can do to feed our souls and spirits at almost every stop along the way of our life - our life that has required certain things of us and not allowed other things to happen. So the quote is long and it really has to do with relationships because it's National Friendship week but since it did minister to my heart in this other way I thought I'd post it as the continuation of my thoughts about painting.

Will You Dance With Me?

READ THIS VERY SLOWLY.... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't, I have clothes on the line, My hair is dirty, I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I'll let you know,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to.....not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask ' How are you?', do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....thrown away..... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do.

'Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!

Where am I???

I'm feeling like the person who wakes up and has to take a few minutes to realize where she is and how she got there.

I can't believe it's only been 12 days since I last visited here.

A recap to bring me up to speed.....

The day after my last post we signed the lease on our apartment. A very lovely apartment with 9 foot ceilings and a fireplace; a lovely, large living/dining area; a patio that Honey the cat will surely lay claim to as her own. I'm sure she'll let us sit out there - she likes it when we are all together; two bedrooms, each large enough to accommodate more than one purpose - important since there are only two and no office. The kitchen comes under the heading of OK but we'll work with it and bring it up to speed. Our view is either the trees behind or another apt complex to the side. Lest you groan over looking at apartments, let me just say, they are some very nice looking apartments, neat, clean, built symmetrically so they're easy on the eye - a restful view - and not too close.

The weekend right after signing the lease I had a photography workshop at the Dallas Arboretum to attend. Two very long days as well as a lecture Friday evening. Larry painted. Shannon helped some. The living/dining must be painted again. We were going for yellow, of course, but were looking to tone it down with a nice Dijon mustard sort of color. Somehow we ended up with French's yellow mustard on our walls. It was an amazing yellow. It didn't look that way on the card! I like yellow but that's too bright even for me. The conclusion is that the light is too bright for it so poor Larry will have to repaint. If he doesn't do it this week I'll help him this weekend.

We finally spent our first night there this Friday night. The official move in, I guess, because you can't base that on when the furniture arrived. Larry decided that since he'd be driving back and forth with the painting going on that he'd bring a truckload every day. So he did that and a couple of times friends helped with big stuff - thanks Bobby & Drew - and Phil for those last two peices on Sunday. I took off from work Monday and Tuesday last week and made trips there every evening after work the rest of the week and by this Saturday we had the place looking much better as far as stuff being put in places. Then we went back to our daughter's house and got more, and there is yet more to get. When I left this morning it was chaotic looking. But there is some organization - you just have to know where it is.

What a process. I'm thinking of the day that I sat in front of the house in KC two years ago and said how this move was supposed to go and I MUST had said that we would have movers - I know I said we would have a house all ready - everything that I said WOULD be HAS NOT been in this move.

See me floating in the Lazy River of Serenity.

It's as though God said.... we'll see who's in charge and who has the right to make declarations. (I'm thinking it's not me.) But at the same time he has blessed us in so many ways - the biggest being the apartment itself. We love it. It is so peaceful and comfortable. And also the peace we've both had even tho dealing with things NOT being what we would be more comfortable with. Blessings of his grace.

We are also blessed to be close to our friends and still not far from our daughter or our grandchildren. Our son is moving around some - it's just nice to know he's back in this area rather than in Nebraska.

Oh yes - we have a garage also which we use for storage. Don't think we could do this without that. SUCH a blessing.

Friday night I had a real - although not paying - photography gig. My daughter works for a technical college and they had a banquet for the teachers in the area that allow them to come and speak in their class and I was the event photographer. It was fun. I learned a lot. I don't think I hit absolute perfection but they turned out very good and I know some things I will do differently in the future.

Saturday evening we spent with some friends that live close now. That's our goal. One of them. Time with friends.

So - I've been busy. Busy. Busy.

Oh - and another new thing I want to make note of. I said I was getting more political. Well, I wrote my representative this morning about a bill concerning dogs and asked him to oppose it. It's really a ridiculous bill - but I won't go into that here. I just wanted to note that as a first.

Resting with God

I have a book called "God Calling". If you've never read this book I would recommend it to you. It's a devotional. The story behind it is that two women prayed daily and wrote down the things that God said to them. OK - there's more to it than that but I can't remember the particulars. But these things in the book are not just their organized thoughts as are so many books but they are the things God said the way God said them.

I have a widget on my IGoogle page that quotes from that book. I am especially appreciative of today's because Larry and I are looking at some new beginnings and you know how it can be with new beginnings. There are always extra perceived needs when there is a starting over and you want to carry on life as usual through the new beginnings.

Several of the quotes on that widget have been very encouraging but this one really caught me today especially as it comes on the heals of some conversations about resources and directions:

"All work that results from resting with Me is miracle-work. Claim this power."

We have, more than once, had to remember the difference in waiting FOR God and waiting WITH God. This quote focuses on RESTING with God to produce work. Expression rather than doing. Yeilding rather than obedience. And it helps me to remember right now, right at this moment, that if we are truly walking something out with him then what we need will be where we need it when we need it to be there.

We have, more than once, walked something out with him but not always successful in doing it his way - not waiting, resting with him. That is our focus right now. We trust our hearts as we always have but hopefully with some gained wisdom and maturity that will enable us to walk it his way the whole way.

He is a good and faithful Father and we can trust him.

Plowing ground

How appropriate that during this time of Father working in the garden of our Family - Father and Daughter find themselves tilling up her backyard and planting new grass.

Thanks Father

Turning towards the bottom of the bridge

I've spent a couple of days pondering where we are. Two days ago we secured an apartment to live in. We'll be there at least a year. I couldn't get Larry to commit to 10 years. Image that. : )

His heart still wants a house and my heart doesn't really care anymore. I guess for his sake it's a good thing it's on the second floor or I'd probably be wanting to stay there for the rest of my life. The real deal is that God must be in control of that so if he doesn't push to go and I don't push to stay then God CAN be in control of it.

So I see us - Larry and I - this couple who have been standing on this bridge, looking over the side at the life happening - life that reaches up and touches us now and then - and now we turn and start walking toward the bottom of the bridge and we'll keep walking and walking further and further into this new land. Now we'll be a part of the life that's here and how that will look one can only speculate. Ok that would be me - Larry is not given to speculating on maybes.

There are things we both want to accomplish and hopefully there will now be opportunity for such things.

We'll paint the walls in this new place using colors that life us. We'll set up our own spaces and enjoy time together in our common space. Yes, we have concluded that personal space is good for both of us to have. We are who we are and no amount of understanding of who we are is going to make us less that. We're good with that.

You would think I'd feel elated and a part of me does. I'll miss my daughter and even the dogs and Elvis but I'm a woman like any other and I need my own kitchen, etc. I do really love this particular apartment even if doesn't have a gas stove. I'm happy that we got it. It's even right at the Lake. (Nope - can't see the lake.) But part of me is well....not. Not unhappy - just not elated. I'm trying to figure out the change in my emotional approach to events like this.

There is something quieter in my inner landscape. The rollercoaster is giving way to something more like a carousel or even something else.

It's been a long time since I've been to a water park but I remember being in a stream of moving water that went around the park. You could walk slowly with the current or get on an air mattress or whatever but the current kept moving you. You'd bump into people maybe, if it is busy, but mainly it was just a soft ride. In this stream that is my life I can know that Larry and I will always be there to bump up against each other. We have a way of finding each other's sharp edges and hard places - which are less and less all the time - but still we are in the stream together. I want to be in this stream with him. OK - yeah - there are some nice soft places to snuggle into also. ; )

I guess it's possible to make the stream exactly what one wants but would one have to be entirely alone to do that? Hmmmm That's not what I'm looking for at all.

I think that's probably a good description of how I feel on the inside as I think now of life and it's ups and downs. I no longer look for utopia or perfection or the "this is it" thing. OK - I did sort of try with the 10 year thing and maybe a part of me will keep trying. But I know now that whatever comes it is not "it". There is no "it". There is only today and what you have today and understanding that what you have today can disappear tomorrow so it's better not to have hope in any of the circumstances that you are presented with today. Receive them, enjoy them if you can, endure them if that's the best you can do but know that circumstances are not really in your control. That sounds kinda yuck but I don't feel yuck as I say it - just matter of fact. Maybe that's just my perception of life.

I did really suggest to Larry that we make a 10 year commitment to just living in this place. I cannot tell you how tired I am of moving and living with the idea that we can't make any plan that does not include some thought about tomorrow's changes. Let us remember however that nothing in this transition has gone the way I planned it so why should this.

But still the roller coaster that would have in the past begun to roar at the moment Larry very honestly said he couldn't/wouldn't make such a commitment never even turned over it's engine. I sat on the carousel for a little while but then I quietly and without fanfare found myself in the stream.

Interesting what 35 years of craziness can do for a person - if said person is looking in the right direction for help and answers and I did finally learn to look up. Look up. No matter what the sides are doing - even if they are undulating wildly - I can still look up. Yes I know this is scriptural, etc., etc., but God had to make this personal for me.

I'm not saying I won't spend some more time on the carousel but right now I'm in the stream. We'll paint and fix up and settle in and live kingdom life in that Dallas apartment and one day - maybe in a year (I'll sigh but I'll hope then that the moving if finally over) - maybe in four years (I'll sigh even bigger because that is the pattern I would so love to break but still it might mean that the moving is really over) - maybe in ten years (I'll sigh just because of the effort of moving but if we make it that long then surely we are buying that house that we will stay in till the end) we'll move into a house and that really will be the last move.

To yield or obey

To yield or obey - that is the question.

And WHY it is the question today I have no idea. I just started thinking about it this morning on the way to work and can't seem to quit so I wonder if it is one of those times when I am to yield and it doesn't matter why.

See - my experience as a Christian - and I think this is true of most - trained me to obey God. I was to obey the written word and if I heard him directly then I should obey his voice.

Well, somewhere in the early 2000's I went to a conference in Atlanta, GA and I heard something there that radically changed my idea of obedience to God. It wasn't even the conference holder who said it. It was a young man who was one of the speakers on the agenda. He spoke of yielding and of course, by now, I can't really remember how he said it. It is a reality that has become my own.

Now, however many years later I think this way.... As I understand the principles and the ways of the kingdom that I learn from the written word I live them to the best of my ability and when I feel the urging of the God who dwells fully within me, (living his life in this earth through all of us - hence the need for diversity), then I am to yield to that.

Maybe this is one of those times.

See, here is the difference and why I don't focus on my own obedience. Because when I do that the focus is on me and my ability to LIVE A GOOD CHRISTIAN LIFE and attain to the objectives that are so variously interepreted in the written word. I have discovered that I am woefully inadequate for that task and was quiet relieved when one of my teachers - a couple named John and Paula Sanford spoke about this in one of their books. He said very directly that God never intended that we be able to LIVE A GOOD CHRISTIAN LIFE. God knew that humanity could not accomplish that - whatever it is and it will be defined differently by all the denominations and many of the people. That was about the same time period that Jesus spoke to my heart and said that he wasn't trying to fix me. Line upon line, precept upon precept, truth comes to us.

I have found it so much easier to just learn to be who I am, trying to live my life to honor God, be a life giver to my friends and family and understand when he wants to do something and be willing to yield to that, just letting him be himself through me.

Language barriers in the community

When God confused the languages of the earth did he confuse language within languages?

Obviously there is truth to that when we look at dialects.

Definition of dialect from dictionary.com: Linguistics. a variety of a language that is distinguished from other varieties of the same language by features of phonology, grammar, and vocabulary, and by its use by a group of speakers who are set off from others geographically or socially.

We understand that. If you have ever listened to a Cajun speak then you know that there is at least one different dialect that is specific to the US. Think of a native from Maine conversing with a Cajun. I'd like to be a fly on the wall listening in. (Yuck! Be a FLY! - there's got to be another way. I may have to stop using that phrase.)

Anyway... different languages. Language within language.

An adaptation of the above definition for dialect : A variety of a language that is hard to distinguish from others because the words sound the same and often the context within which we use the same word makes them seem the same. It is truly distinguishable only when all the different aspects of it's meaning are looked at and then the conversers realize that they aren't saying the same thing at all. They are each speaking in their own personal dialect.

When I'm in the room with my Normal (?) American speaking friends all this doesn't matter...RIGHT??? Not. It does matter.

Let's say I use the word salvation in my conversation. Does the person on the other side of the room know that to me that means more than just that point when I gave my life to Christ? Does that other know that out of my experience that word has come to include the process of healing and deliverance that will, hopefully, in the end, accomplish the complete saving of my soul? To another it means more simply, that you accepted Christ as your savior and will enter heaven when you leave here. Perhaps you would use the word sanctification where I use the word salvation and in my language it is "receiving Christ as savior and His gift of eternal life" and is only the very starting point of one's salvation.

To someone else that word could have even more different meaning.

Here at work, when I ask one of the accountants for an explanation of something I have to be sure that I and she are speaking the same language - they use different words for some of the same things. Their priorities are different than mine.

Language barriers.

In the room with us all the time.

My husband and I have language barriers just because he is a Redemptive Gift Prophet and I am a Redemptive Gift Teacher. And if you don't know what that is then I am speaking incomprehensibly to you. Or maybe you have heard the same teaching but you don't know that when I say RD Teacher (or whatever) that I am not meaning a person who in all ways is just like the description that has been offered of that gift. You may not know that I am taking into consideration many other things about that life that would create a variation that is what makes a person unique among us all.

We and our children and our children with each other have language barriers that make it hard for us to come together as family at this time.

Language barriers will not go away. The filters in our souls are unique to us. God displays his totality in our diversity. God forbid that we should all be just alike. I don't think he's going to let it happen much less make it happen. I believe that it is and always will be a fact of communitiy. A friction designed to be that iron sharpening iron process. We are body parts designed to do many different functions and we cannot be just alike. But we must have some way to get past these language barriers so that we can see more clearly how Jesus is expressing himself in each of us to bring about a complete expression of himself in this earth.

For Larry and I this understanding of ourselves as "Prophet" and "Teacher" is a bedrock of communication. Well, isn't Jesus enough? Evidently not - at least not in our personal history. Just before we heard the teachings by Arthur Burk our language barriers had won the day. Our communication was "hey, how was your day". "Fine - add a few details." "What do you want for supper". TV and/or computer time followed. There was safety in TV in those days. We couldn't talk about God, etc. without getting mad at each other because we each had a different view of things and was tired of the other saying that we were wrong.

But just having that understanding was not enough. We have also learned to converse. And converse. And converse. We will take the same subject and talk it over and over and over even over the course of years sometimes as God brings new information to us and matures us to new degrees. Conversing with each other with an understanding of who the other is and what influences the other's life brings to the conversation has contributed greatly to the "saving" of us and the increase of our ability to be lifegiving to others. Being reconciled to one another through real-time understanding of who God created us to be in this earth allows us to jump the communication barriers.

My heart's desire and prayer is that in days, months, years, decades to come the Body of which I am a part will find it's own key to overcoming language barriers. We are diverse for a reason and I believe, as I said, that it is so God can fully reveal himself in this earth. He is too big for anyone of us - it takes all of us.

Making Wrong Decisions

The question is.....Is there really any such thing as a wrong decision?

I say no because that's something that God has instilled into my heart over the years. It's one of those freedom producing perspectives. Yes, yesterday was a mully grubby thought day. Today I come back around to my choice to trust in the goodness of my Father. I have a gadget on my IGoogle page that has quotes mostly from the book "God Calling". Today's quote says....

"Everyday choose to let go of worry and let Me into your life."

It is an everyday choice to trust him.

But back to the subject of mistake making. As I said there are no mistakes. Yes, we can look back and say if I had done this here or that there then things would be more to our liking today. The point of making decisions along the way of our transformation journey (which is what this earth life is) is really to reveal what's inside of us to us and to make a place for God to reveal himself in greater measure to us.

Does that make sense? See, the point of this earth time is not about earth time success according to earth time rules. If we belong to him then we really belong to a time and kingdom that is yet to be manifest. For now it is the "kingdom within". We live to that inner kingdom and that makes us look foolish in the eyes of the world. While there are still many questions I don't have answers to concerning this earth time I do believe that it is to prepare us for a future that will be very different. We really don't know what God has prepared for us but for some reason he has chosen to reveal himself to us in this earth time. He is also revealing us to ourselves. That's what decision making does. The decision you make reveals your heart. Hopefully all others have learned more quickly than we have how to think with God and if you're married seek unity with each other. But even so I have noticed that he will step back and let the sound of our own soul speak so loud and definitively that we think it must be him. Or circumstances in the natural will work out so "perfectly" that we think it must be him. Then down the road we look back and say something like WOW if I had had a V8 then all this would be better. Maybe. Maybe better - surely different.

I'm trying to say something here and I feel like I'm rambling.

I made a decision once in a response to what God was doing in our life and it took 17 years for him to show me how that response set me in a position of opposing him. I could have responded with "But your will be done" but I didn't. I didn't think I was opposing him, I thought I was just answering his question. It may have taken 17 years for my heart to be revealed and if I had had a different attitude I believe that a lot of things would have been different but in the larger scheme of things - the eternal timetable - what is 17 years. What's important is that God be revealed and understood and partaken of and that I be transformed.

When Larry and I talk about those decisions we could have made we also take this into account - that we understand ourselves better now - that we have been finally set free from some of the things that drove us to make some of those decisions - that we understand the heart of our God better than we did. There has been no condemnation from our Father. There has been a cost - it shows in pretty much every aspect of our life right now but its a great price that one pays for that pearl of pearls. Nothing prepared us for this life and for making decisions and at times I have seen a picture of us going in the right direction as the path which I could see not far away but we were in the ditch chopping our way through with a machete. We couldn't seem to get on that smooth path. But we have been determined to find that Pearl. Was this the life God intended for us? I don't know. Much of the depression I suffered was because I could not deal with the reality of my life.

In KC He told me that I would learn to live in the present moment and in that moment I would experience eternity past and eternity present.

Today I am not afraid to look at today and at today's realities. I don't like them all. There are several things that my heart grieves over. But I see what I could not see before.

A Frank Perretti Quote - When I was young I knew exactly what God was going to do but I didn't trust him. Now that I am old(er) I don't know what God is doing but I trust him.

We have begun the process of finding that place that will be our Dallas home. Maybe we'll get a temporary place that can be maintained inside our resources or maybe we'll miraculously find and get placed in that permanent home. But whatever decision we finally make it will be a right decision. And that place will once again become a place where God reveals more of himself to us.

Catching me up

I'm not really liking this routine very much. I'm not liking how I blog for the two weeks at the end of a month and then stop. Mostly has to do with my work routine. I'm busy at the beginning of the month and not at the end of the month. Still I don't like it. My workload has lessened - at least for now - so maybe when March 1 comes around I'll keep typing. I should have done better this month and had actually intended to.

But work was not the only thing that stopped me from writing this time. If you follow this blog you know that I loaded some pictures in the last post, then took them out and now have put them back.

That process was due to some intense conversation I was having with a friend. It lasted maybe a week (?) but my brain was fried and I was tired when we finally came to resolution. I didn't lose any sleep but I did get a fever blister from the stress. We had to work through some issues surrounding those pictures. It was good for me in the over all because I had to step back and get into conversation with Father about things. Most wonderfully, I discovered that Father would protect the things he puts within me. Also wonderfully, I noted that he will at the same time bring me to the place of peace and freedom about those things. It's never about what I do it's about what I am. Out of the being will come the doing.

I'm not going into detail about the conversation because I don't want that to be the focus. Point is in relationships there are times when relationships are tested. Sometimes they don't survive the test.

This relationship survived and not only that, the two of us involved feel that it's stronger for having gone there. It's so much easier to just move away from someone when there is disagreement. It's so much harder to confront the issue. For one thing - you might find out that you're the one in the wrong. EEEEK But even if you end up feeling that you're in the right still, it's such an uncomfortable thing, to say the least, that we just don't want to do it.

And so we find community in the realm of people with whom it's easy to relate. And we pat ourselves on the back because we have so many people around us whom we love and we feel that they love us. But I feel that we somehow miss something of the essence of the heart of God when we are not willing to step into these murky, uncomfortable places. This brief conflict over my pictures was really a safe one all things considered. This was conflict with some one with whom I've been friends for several years and we've had a few ups and downs in the past just not quite like this. Always there is potential for the "end". But she and I are both people who walk very carefully through our difficult conversations. My husband thinks we're nuts but we find that if we do this by email it works better. We have time to read and ponder the others comments and then think about what we are going to say and how to say it.

Larry and I do this in our own way. We don't assume that one conversation is all it takes to settle an issue. We know that it takes several conversations. We might have one conversation where one is bringing their points and then that might be followed one or several days later with the other's side of things. That can go on for weeks. Some conversations actually can last years as the same issue comes up periodically. I daresay conversation between my friend and I will happen at some point in the future around some of the issues that came up in our initial photo conversation. It should happen. We don't have all the answers and until something happens we don't necessarily know what the questions are.

So - this is the explanation of why I did not write more this month already. I had intended to because my work was actually less of an issue this time. Still I've got to find the way to grow in the ability to overcome distraction and remain steady and true to this pursuit.

An invitation to trust

Not long ago a friend of ours in KC lost her job. It was a fairly new job. It was in her field. Production Manager. Something she was experienced at. Still it went away....as these temporal things will often do.

I loved her first response. Or maybe it was her second response - I think her first one was to cry a little but she quickly realized that Father had extended to her an "invitation to trust him". I fell in love with that phrase and it has taken root in my own spirit. Thank you Annetta for that sharing.

This invitation is always out there for us. It is like his word that he spoke to Peter when he called him to come to him on the water. To walk with him there on the water. I think in pictures and when I think of that moment it's like I see the word "come" emanating from Jesus mouth, landing on top of the water and becoming a carpet for Peter's feet to step on. I believe that Peter never touched the water until he took his eyes off Jesus.

Trust, he says. And it comes from his mouth and lays down in front of us and we can step out on it or not.

I think of Indiana Jones when he put his foot out and stepped on air. It was at that point that the path began to form under his feet and only as he took each subsequent step did the path continue to form.

Another friend in a comment to my last post speaks of choosing. Yes, we choose. Not blindly. But with understanding. Not choosing to make a path that we want but with a discernment that has been hopefully matured by time and experience. Sometimes it is a lonely, personal journey. Sometimes it is the journey of a husband and wife - or family. Sometimes it is the effort of the collective heart of a community.

We choose to accept the invitation or to reject it.

In Kansas City - after God came and touched that place in me that had never trusted him and healed it - I still had to learn to trust. I had to exercise that part of me the same way some one would have to exercise a part of his physical body that had been finally healed by multiple surgeries. So I would say to God in a moment when he would ask me " Ann, do you trust me?" - God, I choose to trust you. He doesn't ask me that anymore and to choose to trust him is not such an effort as it was.

Still as I look at the near future for Larry and I, the invitation to trust Father is written loud on the paper I see in my minds eye. Not to trust him to just make things work out for us as we would have them but to trust him to continue Larry and I on our journey to that place of oneness. Trust him to take the Ann thoughts and the Larry thoughts and bring them into agreement with the God thoughts.

As he said to us at the end of a day of fighting once (years ago : ) )- "You're both right and you're both wrong".

Sweet words to us.

Sweet words to all of us as we look at what it means to be joined together as we are. We see an undefined place down the road and cannot see all the twists and turns of the road that will take us there. Can we trust our God - Father, Son, Holy Spirit - each part working in us according to their functioning to get us there - not doing away with our diversity but showing us how all these various body parts fit together. How all these various notes fit on the staff to make music that is joy to him.

Oh, that our trust in Him will bring him joy.

Thoughts about the family issues

"Children are not here to validate your parenting"


That statement is one of those little “nuggets”, as we say, that God dropped into my heart one day back somewhere in the ‘80s. It sorta comforted me at the moment but I confess it did not really have the depth of meaning that it does now. I wrestle with understanding family, God’s perspectives on family and how that seems to play out in real life. So if what I see in real life doesn’t line up with “truth” doesn’t that make it wrong? Well, what if what I think and have thought for years is “truth” turns out to be a misunderstanding on my part? Actually that has happened many a time. To think that because we became 21 and had children and a bank account and a car and weren’t asking our parents permission made us adults is silly. Larry and I figured out a long time ago that we were always just about one step ahead (if that) of our children in maturity for many years. Maybe even now. See me smile?

So today as a mother of chronologically grown children living their lives their way I rely much upon hindsight to help me understand. I can’t go and redo or fix anything but I have the comfort now of having finally read the back of the book. No, I’m not through parenting but parenting 30somethings is not the same as when you are raising them to be 30somethings. There does come an end to that book.

I struggle with how to share with my “grown” children these things that I understand better now than I did then. Father is very wonderful to continue to educate me. Lately he opened up my understanding of things that I think had a profound effect on my son. I’m working on how to tell him these things. He needs to hear them. I wonder if he will be able to hear them. Once upon a time I would have just called him up and told him but I have seen the futility of that. So many times such efforts have been more about me than him. There’s a time that is right and a way that is right. I’m sure I will try soon. I feel the importance of this.

I wish I could be like Jesus was. He was always able to say the thing that needed to be said to the person in front of him when it needed to be said. I realize too, though, that it’s not just about me being “obedient” to “speak the truth in love”. It’s about being able to yield to him and let HIM speak the truth (express himself) in love. I will need to let him form the words inside me. They will and should come through the grid of a mother’s heart. I also know that not everybody jumped up and down for joy just because Jesus spoke. Think Rich Young Ruler. We don’t know what that young man did later. We don’t know if after thinking about Jesus words he repented and did what Jesus said. We can hope so but maybe he didn’t. There were many who just did not embrace his ways and that has been the case all through history.

It is not my mission to steer my children anymore. I embrace them in their lives. I know they know their God and that is enough for me because I cannot look upon the heart as he can. I will leave judgments to him. But I can see where brokenness is or has been and I simply want my children to be whole and to find fulfillment in this life. It’s not my job to see to their decisions or their happiness but to be sure that when I’m done they don’t have to finish out anything for me but can continue to become the people God created them to be.

As I said before I love what God is doing in our family – this garden – this fractal. Planting new things, pulling up old dead stuff, moving things around.

Two of my favorite people in the world.

My son and daughter at the time of her

graduation from college.

A thought for the day

Somebody close to me was presented with another problem this past week. The kind that causes stress and unhappyness. As I let my heart dwell on thoughts of her these thoughts came to me. I sent them to her in an email and thought I would post them here also.

I hope they will be an enouragement to anyone who reads them because, you know, I may be very imperfect but my DESIRE is to be lifegiving to all in my sphere. We all have problems in this life and keeping them in a right perspective is one of the keys to standing on them rather than laying down under them.

God created us to be problem solvers – therefore this life is full of problems to be solved. Sometimes the only way to make sense of all this is to get to the place where we can see ourselves in the eternal picture that God sees rather than the temporal picture by which we judge whether all is right in our world or not.

However God did not actually intend that we solve these problems alone. That’s why we are told to come boldly to His throne to ask for grace when we need it.

Remember this admonition in Philippians 4: 6-7

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises

shape your worries into prayers,

letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Yes, it is.