That statement is one of those little “nuggets”, as we say, that God dropped into my heart one day back somewhere in the ‘80s. It sorta comforted me at the moment but I confess it did not really have the depth of meaning that it does now. I wrestle with understanding family, God’s perspectives on family and how that seems to play out in real life. So if what I see in real life doesn’t line up with “truth” doesn’t that make it wrong? Well, what if what I think and have thought for years is “truth” turns out to be a misunderstanding on my part? Actually that has happened many a time. To think that because we became 21 and had children and a bank account and a car and weren’t asking our parents permission made us adults is silly. Larry and I figured out a long time ago that we were always just about one step ahead (if that) of our children in maturity for many years. Maybe even now. See me smile?
So today as a mother of chronologically grown children living their lives their way I rely much upon hindsight to help me understand. I can’t go and redo or fix anything but I have the comfort now of having finally read the back of the book. No, I’m not through parenting but parenting 30somethings is not the same as when you are raising them to be 30somethings. There does come an end to that book.
I struggle with how to share with my “grown” children these things that I understand better now than I did then. Father is very wonderful to continue to educate me. Lately he opened up my understanding of things that I think had a profound effect on my son. I’m working on how to tell him these things. He needs to hear them. I wonder if he will be able to hear them. Once upon a time I would have just called him up and told him but I have seen the futility of that. So many times such efforts have been more about me than him. There’s a time that is right and a way that is right. I’m sure I will try soon. I feel the importance of this.
I wish I could be like Jesus was. He was always able to say the thing that needed to be said to the person in front of him when it needed to be said. I realize too, though, that it’s not just about me being “obedient” to “speak the truth in love”. It’s about being able to yield to him and let HIM speak the truth (express himself) in love. I will need to let him form the words inside me. They will and should come through the grid of a mother’s heart. I also know that not everybody jumped up and down for joy just because Jesus spoke. Think Rich Young Ruler. We don’t know what that young man did later. We don’t know if after thinking about Jesus words he repented and did what Jesus said. We can hope so but maybe he didn’t. There were many who just did not embrace his ways and that has been the case all through history.
It is not my mission to steer my children anymore. I embrace them in their lives. I know they know their God and that is enough for me because I cannot look upon the heart as he can. I will leave judgments to him. But I can see where brokenness is or has been and I simply want my children to be whole and to find fulfillment in this life. It’s not my job to see to their decisions or their happiness but to be sure that when I’m done they don’t have to finish out anything for me but can continue to become the people God created them to be.
As I said before I love what God is doing in our family – this garden – this fractal. Planting new things, pulling up old dead stuff, moving things around.
Two of my favorite people in the world.
My son and daughter at the time of her
graduation from college.
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