So the fractal that is my family is changing - visibly that is.
Some things are being pulled up - some things moved.
Plantings of long ago are beginning to bear some fruit.
Is this fractal what I would have designed for my sake?
Is this fractal the expression that I would choose to bring into the earth.
No.
And it is hard hard for me to believe that it is what God designed.
But then I see with human eyes.
Mother eyes.
But I must - I MUST acknowledge that it might be just MIGHT be exactly what God wants for the sake of HIS expression.
Like he said to this mother many years ago when the children were small and already not doing what I would have them.... "Your children are not here to validate your parenting".
Maybe not.
But I'm still proud of my children. I'm proud of them for being true to who they feel themselves to be. I'm proud of them for choosing to live inside this relationship called family.
I respect their journey and the steps they take that are so different from the steps I take as they work out their own soul's salvation before the Lord.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Roots of Performance Orientation
I have known for a loooong time that I am a performance oriented person. Not a perfectionist. I won't go into my ideas about perfectionism but I know I'm not that.
I got some insight from a friend this weekend about how I came to be this way. (And it's kinda funny that in conversation with my cohort here at work this morning she commented that I am so hard on myself. I told her I was working on that.)
So yesterday Larry and I spend the day watching the video by Paul Hegstrom (you know, the one about the mind and how we have to build a new axon when we want to change) with some friends. I say the day because we also had lunch and had to pause the dvd at least a thousand times to talk about what we were hearing. It was great.
In the process I shared the nutshell version of my history with depression and J picked up on something I said about my parents requiring so little of us.
They set no boundaries. They set no standards and there was no instruction concerning the reasonable setting of standards. Whatever standards were there were there by default by reason of society and school, etc. But Mom and Dad did not require of us so - let me just stop saying us here and focus on me - I performed at a mediocre level. I suppose I knew in some place in me that I could do better but as long as I was passing in school, not getting into trouble, etc. then I guess I thought that was it. It was good enough.
Maybe good enough would have translated just fine into the future events and circumstances of my life if not for the next big piece of the puzzle. Religion. Church life. A works oriented existence for the next ? years.
I became a Christian at 19 and suddenly I had around me a culture of high standards - at least ideally if not always in actuality. What my friend saw yesterday was that since no boundaries/standards had ever been set for me when it came time for me to set them myself I set them higher than I could possibly achieve. In my mind the Christian was to be living "right" or at least pursuing "right" living. And that "right" living was all about the doing. I thought that what God wanted me to be was a doer. I was quite willing to do what ever it took to be that doer. So I tried and I tried against all odds and always, always feeling my failure. I could not possibly have succeeded according to my standards.
So instead of just enjoying life I was always trying to make it something else, something more and I thought - better. Always striving for myself and my family to reach some "higher level" of something. Not only did I not know how to judge myself correctly - with grace and mercy as Father does - I did not judge my children or my marriage with grace and mercy either.
I understand, now, my Father's grace and mercy as he watches me in my life. I feel that same grace and mercy towards my children now. I still struggle to feel it towards myself. I think I am going to have to have a sit down with Jesus and work this out that way.
I got some insight from a friend this weekend about how I came to be this way. (And it's kinda funny that in conversation with my cohort here at work this morning she commented that I am so hard on myself. I told her I was working on that.)
So yesterday Larry and I spend the day watching the video by Paul Hegstrom (you know, the one about the mind and how we have to build a new axon when we want to change) with some friends. I say the day because we also had lunch and had to pause the dvd at least a thousand times to talk about what we were hearing. It was great.
In the process I shared the nutshell version of my history with depression and J picked up on something I said about my parents requiring so little of us.
They set no boundaries. They set no standards and there was no instruction concerning the reasonable setting of standards. Whatever standards were there were there by default by reason of society and school, etc. But Mom and Dad did not require of us so - let me just stop saying us here and focus on me - I performed at a mediocre level. I suppose I knew in some place in me that I could do better but as long as I was passing in school, not getting into trouble, etc. then I guess I thought that was it. It was good enough.
Maybe good enough would have translated just fine into the future events and circumstances of my life if not for the next big piece of the puzzle. Religion. Church life. A works oriented existence for the next ? years.
I became a Christian at 19 and suddenly I had around me a culture of high standards - at least ideally if not always in actuality. What my friend saw yesterday was that since no boundaries/standards had ever been set for me when it came time for me to set them myself I set them higher than I could possibly achieve. In my mind the Christian was to be living "right" or at least pursuing "right" living. And that "right" living was all about the doing. I thought that what God wanted me to be was a doer. I was quite willing to do what ever it took to be that doer. So I tried and I tried against all odds and always, always feeling my failure. I could not possibly have succeeded according to my standards.
So instead of just enjoying life I was always trying to make it something else, something more and I thought - better. Always striving for myself and my family to reach some "higher level" of something. Not only did I not know how to judge myself correctly - with grace and mercy as Father does - I did not judge my children or my marriage with grace and mercy either.
I understand, now, my Father's grace and mercy as he watches me in my life. I feel that same grace and mercy towards my children now. I still struggle to feel it towards myself. I think I am going to have to have a sit down with Jesus and work this out that way.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
New Life in the Garden
Last week a conversation. Us and our daughter. Language Barriers interfered with the making of plans. We said.... She heard.... and there was missed opportunity and there was hurt.
Last night a conversation. Me and my daughter. Language Barriers began to be overcome. Understanding came. Can't undo what is - that gets consigned to opportunities missed.
Last night beauty came from the dying of old thought patterns - old behavior patterns. New life for the future.
Newness springs from the detritus of the old and grows in the fractal/garden of our life.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Death and Loss and Beauty
These pictures were taken in Kansas City, during that period of time when the weather was thinking about spring but all around was the signs of death from the winter. I had gone out that day because the temperature was bearable and I had cabin fever. I went to a favorite park to what I could see.
Among many other beautiful or interesting things I saw these leaves - these brown curls holding strong to their limbs - not yet ousted by the new.
last years leaves making one last statement about their own beauty
So is death beautiful?
OR
Can anything beautiful be found in that place?
We all experience death.
Sometimes our people die. People we love. My parents did and even though sometimes I wish they were still here - there was much beauty to be found in that place before the new had even begun to spring forth.
Two of the most amazing experiences of my life.
There are other deaths that we deal with also. The death of a dream or a plan or a hope.
Not to mention that for some hope is lost entirely. I don't know that there is any beauty to be found there because to lose hope entirely is to give up on God and every other possibility.
It does happen.
But the death of dreams is a common one, I believe, in the world of humans. We live for dreams. We are told to dream and never stop dreaming and, you know, "it's never too late".
I have found that there is beauty to be found at such times. If those dreams are not founded on reality - if they are houses built on sand and not on the Rock then they need to die.
I have found it hard to let some dreams die. Especially the ones having to do with family. But sometimes you must let the dreams go just like you let the people go when they die. I am experiencing this type of death in my natural fractal/garden even as I am experiencing new life in a spiritual fractal/garden.
The beauty I see in this death is that it releases life that needs to come forth.
Here is where trusting God and his ways is most important - and where the great struggle of so many years of my life has been.....there is a period of time in which no life can be seen. If beauty is going to be found at all it must be found in the moment - even the moment of death.
Father told me in 2004 that I would learn to live in the present moment. So I must live in the place where I see only the dried up remains of what was.
I need to open my eyes to see what a nice color the brown is. I need to look close enough to really see the curls. I need to stop long enough to appreciate the unique shape of each leaf - each group of leaves.
There is a verse that speaks of us seeing the face of God without a veil over our face. Looking fully into his face and being transformed in that moment. I heard this scripture quoted the most during the days of the soaking meetings where we would get together and sit in the presence of God and worship. Those were good times.
But I found that being able to see the face of God in the types of things that would be symbolized by the dead leaves are the transforming times of my life.
So I live in this present moment, acknowledging my grief until God's touch can completely heal it, but no longer fighting for my dream.
Time to let go - even where I love.
Monday, April 27, 2009
After the moment
Monday morning. My last post was written on Friday. I'm amazed still at how cathartic writing can be. It's a way to organize your thoughts. It helps you win in the battleground of your mind. After I published my post I very quickly began to feel better, once again above and not below these circumstances. Part of that I know comes from stopping to actually look at what's happening. Over the years I've found that as long as my enemy stays hidden he retains a power over me. Recognition is an important part of the process of getting free.
Smart me to stop and examine what was happening. Smart me to listen to the promptings of my spirit. I just didn't like doing that knowing that people would be reading it - at least not that time. I re-read my post this morning and even though it doesn't sound so bad - certainly no worse than others I've written - it felt worse because I was in the moment. I do still try to remember to be lifegiving with whatever I write. In times past my rants and tirades were anything but lifegiving.
I'm very thankful at this moment for all that Holy Spirit has taught me over the last 15 (?) years. It started with spiritual warfare intercession and then went to deliverance then inner healing. I have ministered some of this to others but I will forever maintain that it's purpose was really because the God who created me wanted to set ME free and transform ME. What I can do for others I will but I'm not looking to be the "doctor" for what is happening in someone else's life. I'd rather be teacher - the one who teaches them how to fish as it were - so that they can then LIVE this reality. Actually that's not correct either. Holy Spirit is our Teacher, Counselor, Guide and works in us with the Strength he worked in Jesus to raise him from the dead to raise us from death to life. If anything I would be His assistant. Freely I have received - freely I would give.
See, I never take my mental and emotional wholeness for granted. I am what I am. He didn't fix me. He has taught me how to LIVE above. The principles of the kingdom are not for ooooing and aaahhhing over at the latest conference or for having someone else DO them so you can be the receiver. They are for us to learn, live and become something other than earthly beings.
Father has fathered me and he knew that I needed to be called to account in many areas so that I would grow - become more mature and take responsibility where appropriate and rightly divide the responsibility so that I could then reject false responsibility. We are in fact still working on these things. I know there is more to come. I know that there is still within me some inappropriate grief over the issues of my life. Here is an incident of understanding what is appropriate and what is not. Nothing wrong with grief and God does sometimes require that one live with pain - think Jacob and Paul and Joseph and Abraham and, and, and. But there is a grief that is not from him and I think some of that still rules over me where my life is concerned. Any yet I may have lived exactly the life that God chose for me. My son lives a life very different that what I would have planned for him. And yet he may be living what God would have notwithstanding some things that could be tweaked. But who am I to decide what would need to be tweaked and what would not? God said to me once concerning him that "he would walk in unusual places". So he may be walking where God wants him to walk. He is a grown man in this world. Surely God's not going to check with me on every thing he does. There are things that I was so sure of for so many years and I feel a chipping away at these things. Old statuary in the Garden. Did I build that or did You, Father?
Give me the grace to always be able to question me and to determine what is me trying to accomplish temporal purposes. Your's are eternal and your thoughts are higher than mine. Having said that I know that you are so willing to share your heart and mind with the yielded human heart and mind. Make me yielded so I can hear and see.
Smart me to stop and examine what was happening. Smart me to listen to the promptings of my spirit. I just didn't like doing that knowing that people would be reading it - at least not that time. I re-read my post this morning and even though it doesn't sound so bad - certainly no worse than others I've written - it felt worse because I was in the moment. I do still try to remember to be lifegiving with whatever I write. In times past my rants and tirades were anything but lifegiving.
I'm very thankful at this moment for all that Holy Spirit has taught me over the last 15 (?) years. It started with spiritual warfare intercession and then went to deliverance then inner healing. I have ministered some of this to others but I will forever maintain that it's purpose was really because the God who created me wanted to set ME free and transform ME. What I can do for others I will but I'm not looking to be the "doctor" for what is happening in someone else's life. I'd rather be teacher - the one who teaches them how to fish as it were - so that they can then LIVE this reality. Actually that's not correct either. Holy Spirit is our Teacher, Counselor, Guide and works in us with the Strength he worked in Jesus to raise him from the dead to raise us from death to life. If anything I would be His assistant. Freely I have received - freely I would give.
See, I never take my mental and emotional wholeness for granted. I am what I am. He didn't fix me. He has taught me how to LIVE above. The principles of the kingdom are not for ooooing and aaahhhing over at the latest conference or for having someone else DO them so you can be the receiver. They are for us to learn, live and become something other than earthly beings.
Father has fathered me and he knew that I needed to be called to account in many areas so that I would grow - become more mature and take responsibility where appropriate and rightly divide the responsibility so that I could then reject false responsibility. We are in fact still working on these things. I know there is more to come. I know that there is still within me some inappropriate grief over the issues of my life. Here is an incident of understanding what is appropriate and what is not. Nothing wrong with grief and God does sometimes require that one live with pain - think Jacob and Paul and Joseph and Abraham and, and, and. But there is a grief that is not from him and I think some of that still rules over me where my life is concerned. Any yet I may have lived exactly the life that God chose for me. My son lives a life very different that what I would have planned for him. And yet he may be living what God would have notwithstanding some things that could be tweaked. But who am I to decide what would need to be tweaked and what would not? God said to me once concerning him that "he would walk in unusual places". So he may be walking where God wants him to walk. He is a grown man in this world. Surely God's not going to check with me on every thing he does. There are things that I was so sure of for so many years and I feel a chipping away at these things. Old statuary in the Garden. Did I build that or did You, Father?
Give me the grace to always be able to question me and to determine what is me trying to accomplish temporal purposes. Your's are eternal and your thoughts are higher than mine. Having said that I know that you are so willing to share your heart and mind with the yielded human heart and mind. Make me yielded so I can hear and see.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
In the moment
I wonder if I can write this post.
Work is mostly done for the month so I sit here in the quiet of my little corner space where I am all alone. Sometimes I wish I were more a part of the life of this place but then I think maybe this was one of those little orchestrations of God to put me in a place where I - at least for a few days as month - have time and space and am locked down in a sense to a single spot so that my A D D self has to focus.
My thoughts are heavy today - it's been building up - this thought pool. I have felt it as negative thoughts have flitting across my mind - negative feelings wanting to find expression. I shoo them away but sooner or later I have to stop and think them and try to know why I'm thinking them and why my feelings are doing what they're doing and in this process to figure out if Father is trying to speak something to me or am I in intercession or both.
The garden of my little family is drawing my attention right now. That ever changing fractal.
I'm not afraid of this feeling. In times past I would have been because of not trusting God to really care but now I know he does. But I wonder at God's orchestrations sometimes. Larry and I have been at times, in the lives of people younger than ourselves, what I would love for us to be to our own children. But then, at least in some cases, their parents aren't being what they need. God has provided for our daughter that one who can help her uproot some things and rearrange her personal garden. This is a person for her whereas for me it was a variety of teachers through books and tapes and videos and only the occasional human involvement. I can only hope that our son now has or at some point will have someone to help him with the work in his garden.
God sets the lonely in families doesn't he. And could it be that families - according to him - are actually made up differently than what we see in the natural. This is something I've pondered for years. We define family by these earthly boundaries but I wonder, and no doubt, they are real and to be observed but I do wonder if God is really seeing the same thing I'm seeing. Look anywhere in the Bible and you see that God is not necessarily functioning by the rules of family as he moves in the lives of people and places them where he wills as he works out his eternal purposes through natural avenues. It is difficult for my mother's heart to deal with this. That doesn't mean that I actually lose them but it means I don't get to be the ALL otherwise known as the mama. My goodness - my kids are in their 30s. You'd think I'd be over some of this by now. But I'm not. Ok, I'm over some of it. I'm definitely better. I'm sure this is just another layer being taken off.
This brings me to the real focal point of my thought pool. The big drip hitting the middle and sending the ripples out to the edges. (Boy I wish I had a picture for this!)
It's that saying - It's never too late. I call BS on that statement. Sometimes it is too late.
I cannot go back and be and do what I would have been and done had I known what to be and do. No parent can and for me nothing replaces that. My children will never be my babies again. I will never again have the chance to make THAT difference that the years of childhood are given for. If everything fell into place today and suddenly my family life became idyllic according to my definition of that, it would still not give me the memories I would like to have or the sense of accomplishment in this arena of life. It would not erase consequences of choices and decisions made that might have been made differently. My children would still have endured what to my mind is unnecessary pain. But is it unnecessary? I know from God's dealings with me and from my observing of those people in the Bible that suffering has great value in the kingdom. Suffering equates to precious jewels there. I accept that for me but I have trouble accepting for them.
Having said that I know that it's never to late to be as life giving to my children now as I'm able. The thing is - do they really want what I have to offer? Sometimes they do but sometimes they don't. And sometimes we have language barriers and other things that are very hard to overcome.
Sigh. By now I am fighting the battle with tears.
Ok - more processing. Take this thing apart and find the pattern.
The statements I just made are about ME. My LOSS in all this.
The pattern as I have observed it over the years is something like this...
It's one of the few times that I felt compelled to write and that the writing was more than just me working out my own issues. So let Holy Spirit be your teacher and counselor and take from this what matters to your life.
Work is mostly done for the month so I sit here in the quiet of my little corner space where I am all alone. Sometimes I wish I were more a part of the life of this place but then I think maybe this was one of those little orchestrations of God to put me in a place where I - at least for a few days as month - have time and space and am locked down in a sense to a single spot so that my A D D self has to focus.
My thoughts are heavy today - it's been building up - this thought pool. I have felt it as negative thoughts have flitting across my mind - negative feelings wanting to find expression. I shoo them away but sooner or later I have to stop and think them and try to know why I'm thinking them and why my feelings are doing what they're doing and in this process to figure out if Father is trying to speak something to me or am I in intercession or both.
The garden of my little family is drawing my attention right now. That ever changing fractal.
Garden = Battleground.
War among the roses.
The fragrance of life mingles with the fragrance of death.
I'm not afraid of this feeling. In times past I would have been because of not trusting God to really care but now I know he does. But I wonder at God's orchestrations sometimes. Larry and I have been at times, in the lives of people younger than ourselves, what I would love for us to be to our own children. But then, at least in some cases, their parents aren't being what they need. God has provided for our daughter that one who can help her uproot some things and rearrange her personal garden. This is a person for her whereas for me it was a variety of teachers through books and tapes and videos and only the occasional human involvement. I can only hope that our son now has or at some point will have someone to help him with the work in his garden.
God sets the lonely in families doesn't he. And could it be that families - according to him - are actually made up differently than what we see in the natural. This is something I've pondered for years. We define family by these earthly boundaries but I wonder, and no doubt, they are real and to be observed but I do wonder if God is really seeing the same thing I'm seeing. Look anywhere in the Bible and you see that God is not necessarily functioning by the rules of family as he moves in the lives of people and places them where he wills as he works out his eternal purposes through natural avenues. It is difficult for my mother's heart to deal with this. That doesn't mean that I actually lose them but it means I don't get to be the ALL otherwise known as the mama. My goodness - my kids are in their 30s. You'd think I'd be over some of this by now. But I'm not. Ok, I'm over some of it. I'm definitely better. I'm sure this is just another layer being taken off.
This brings me to the real focal point of my thought pool. The big drip hitting the middle and sending the ripples out to the edges. (Boy I wish I had a picture for this!)
It's that saying - It's never too late. I call BS on that statement. Sometimes it is too late.
I cannot go back and be and do what I would have been and done had I known what to be and do. No parent can and for me nothing replaces that. My children will never be my babies again. I will never again have the chance to make THAT difference that the years of childhood are given for. If everything fell into place today and suddenly my family life became idyllic according to my definition of that, it would still not give me the memories I would like to have or the sense of accomplishment in this arena of life. It would not erase consequences of choices and decisions made that might have been made differently. My children would still have endured what to my mind is unnecessary pain. But is it unnecessary? I know from God's dealings with me and from my observing of those people in the Bible that suffering has great value in the kingdom. Suffering equates to precious jewels there. I accept that for me but I have trouble accepting for them.
Having said that I know that it's never to late to be as life giving to my children now as I'm able. The thing is - do they really want what I have to offer? Sometimes they do but sometimes they don't. And sometimes we have language barriers and other things that are very hard to overcome.
Sigh. By now I am fighting the battle with tears.
Ok - more processing. Take this thing apart and find the pattern.
The statements I just made are about ME. My LOSS in all this.
The pattern as I have observed it over the years is something like this...
- My spirit gets stirred as intercession for unseen/unknown issues begins. All I know is that my daughter has recently had some breakthroughs and communication with our son is at a standstill.
- My soul begins to FEEL the intercession. That intercession is very uncomfortable so my soul jumps in with it's crap because it can't stand to not be the center of attention.
- My mind gets distracted with thoughts that echo the feelings and I begin to focus on the things that are still issues with me like what I just said about it being too late, etc. In times past, when depression reigned supreme with all it's fears and lack of trust, this is the point at which I would begin to spiral down into the black hole of anger and despair.
- BUT TODAY - At this point I chuckled and that has forever been a sign of release within my spirit. It almost always happens at the point where I recognize the enemy in my soul. He only works effectively in the dark. When he is revealed then I can reject him and he looses.
It's one of the few times that I felt compelled to write and that the writing was more than just me working out my own issues. So let Holy Spirit be your teacher and counselor and take from this what matters to your life.
Here is hope. This is one of the good things I bring from my journey. Understanding that the new harvest begins in the detritus of the old season.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Painting
The following is something I received in my email at work this morning. As I read it I kept thinking about the post I wrote this morning before leaving for work. I kept thinking about us painting and is that nuts or not and it's like this email spoke to my heart - confirming once again, that it's not just OK that we paint - it's REALLY OK that we paint. This is what we do for US. It's what we can do to feed our souls and spirits at almost every stop along the way of our life - our life that has required certain things of us and not allowed other things to happen. So the quote is long and it really has to do with relationships because it's National Friendship week but since it did minister to my heart in this other way I thought I'd post it as the continuation of my thoughts about painting.
Will You Dance With Me?
READ THIS VERY SLOWLY.... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't, I have clothes on the line, My hair is dirty, I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I'll let you know,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to.....not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask ' How are you?', do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?
When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....thrown away..... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.
It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do.
'Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!
Will You Dance With Me?
READ THIS VERY SLOWLY.... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't, I have clothes on the line, My hair is dirty, I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I'll let you know,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to.....not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask ' How are you?', do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?
When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....thrown away..... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.
It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do.
'Life may not be the party we hoped for...but while we are here we might as well dance!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Where am I???
I'm feeling like the person who wakes up and has to take a few minutes to realize where she is and how she got there.
I can't believe it's only been 12 days since I last visited here.
A recap to bring me up to speed.....
The day after my last post we signed the lease on our apartment. A very lovely apartment with 9 foot ceilings and a fireplace; a lovely, large living/dining area; a patio that Honey the cat will surely lay claim to as her own. I'm sure she'll let us sit out there - she likes it when we are all together; two bedrooms, each large enough to accommodate more than one purpose - important since there are only two and no office. The kitchen comes under the heading of OK but we'll work with it and bring it up to speed. Our view is either the trees behind or another apt complex to the side. Lest you groan over looking at apartments, let me just say, they are some very nice looking apartments, neat, clean, built symmetrically so they're easy on the eye - a restful view - and not too close.
The weekend right after signing the lease I had a photography workshop at the Dallas Arboretum to attend. Two very long days as well as a lecture Friday evening. Larry painted. Shannon helped some. The living/dining must be painted again. We were going for yellow, of course, but were looking to tone it down with a nice Dijon mustard sort of color. Somehow we ended up with French's yellow mustard on our walls. It was an amazing yellow. It didn't look that way on the card! I like yellow but that's too bright even for me. The conclusion is that the light is too bright for it so poor Larry will have to repaint. If he doesn't do it this week I'll help him this weekend.
We finally spent our first night there this Friday night. The official move in, I guess, because you can't base that on when the furniture arrived. Larry decided that since he'd be driving back and forth with the painting going on that he'd bring a truckload every day. So he did that and a couple of times friends helped with big stuff - thanks Bobby & Drew - and Phil for those last two peices on Sunday. I took off from work Monday and Tuesday last week and made trips there every evening after work the rest of the week and by this Saturday we had the place looking much better as far as stuff being put in places. Then we went back to our daughter's house and got more, and there is yet more to get. When I left this morning it was chaotic looking. But there is some organization - you just have to know where it is.
What a process. I'm thinking of the day that I sat in front of the house in KC two years ago and said how this move was supposed to go and I MUST had said that we would have movers - I know I said we would have a house all ready - everything that I said WOULD be HAS NOT been in this move.
See me floating in the Lazy River of Serenity.
It's as though God said.... we'll see who's in charge and who has the right to make declarations. (I'm thinking it's not me.) But at the same time he has blessed us in so many ways - the biggest being the apartment itself. We love it. It is so peaceful and comfortable. And also the peace we've both had even tho dealing with things NOT being what we would be more comfortable with. Blessings of his grace.
We are also blessed to be close to our friends and still not far from our daughter or our grandchildren. Our son is moving around some - it's just nice to know he's back in this area rather than in Nebraska.
Oh yes - we have a garage also which we use for storage. Don't think we could do this without that. SUCH a blessing.
Friday night I had a real - although not paying - photography gig. My daughter works for a technical college and they had a banquet for the teachers in the area that allow them to come and speak in their class and I was the event photographer. It was fun. I learned a lot. I don't think I hit absolute perfection but they turned out very good and I know some things I will do differently in the future.
Saturday evening we spent with some friends that live close now. That's our goal. One of them. Time with friends.
So - I've been busy. Busy. Busy.
Oh - and another new thing I want to make note of. I said I was getting more political. Well, I wrote my representative this morning about a bill concerning dogs and asked him to oppose it. It's really a ridiculous bill - but I won't go into that here. I just wanted to note that as a first.
I can't believe it's only been 12 days since I last visited here.
A recap to bring me up to speed.....
The day after my last post we signed the lease on our apartment. A very lovely apartment with 9 foot ceilings and a fireplace; a lovely, large living/dining area; a patio that Honey the cat will surely lay claim to as her own. I'm sure she'll let us sit out there - she likes it when we are all together; two bedrooms, each large enough to accommodate more than one purpose - important since there are only two and no office. The kitchen comes under the heading of OK but we'll work with it and bring it up to speed. Our view is either the trees behind or another apt complex to the side. Lest you groan over looking at apartments, let me just say, they are some very nice looking apartments, neat, clean, built symmetrically so they're easy on the eye - a restful view - and not too close.
The weekend right after signing the lease I had a photography workshop at the Dallas Arboretum to attend. Two very long days as well as a lecture Friday evening. Larry painted. Shannon helped some. The living/dining must be painted again. We were going for yellow, of course, but were looking to tone it down with a nice Dijon mustard sort of color. Somehow we ended up with French's yellow mustard on our walls. It was an amazing yellow. It didn't look that way on the card! I like yellow but that's too bright even for me. The conclusion is that the light is too bright for it so poor Larry will have to repaint. If he doesn't do it this week I'll help him this weekend.
We finally spent our first night there this Friday night. The official move in, I guess, because you can't base that on when the furniture arrived. Larry decided that since he'd be driving back and forth with the painting going on that he'd bring a truckload every day. So he did that and a couple of times friends helped with big stuff - thanks Bobby & Drew - and Phil for those last two peices on Sunday. I took off from work Monday and Tuesday last week and made trips there every evening after work the rest of the week and by this Saturday we had the place looking much better as far as stuff being put in places. Then we went back to our daughter's house and got more, and there is yet more to get. When I left this morning it was chaotic looking. But there is some organization - you just have to know where it is.
What a process. I'm thinking of the day that I sat in front of the house in KC two years ago and said how this move was supposed to go and I MUST had said that we would have movers - I know I said we would have a house all ready - everything that I said WOULD be HAS NOT been in this move.
See me floating in the Lazy River of Serenity.
It's as though God said.... we'll see who's in charge and who has the right to make declarations. (I'm thinking it's not me.) But at the same time he has blessed us in so many ways - the biggest being the apartment itself. We love it. It is so peaceful and comfortable. And also the peace we've both had even tho dealing with things NOT being what we would be more comfortable with. Blessings of his grace.
We are also blessed to be close to our friends and still not far from our daughter or our grandchildren. Our son is moving around some - it's just nice to know he's back in this area rather than in Nebraska.
Oh yes - we have a garage also which we use for storage. Don't think we could do this without that. SUCH a blessing.
Friday night I had a real - although not paying - photography gig. My daughter works for a technical college and they had a banquet for the teachers in the area that allow them to come and speak in their class and I was the event photographer. It was fun. I learned a lot. I don't think I hit absolute perfection but they turned out very good and I know some things I will do differently in the future.
Saturday evening we spent with some friends that live close now. That's our goal. One of them. Time with friends.
So - I've been busy. Busy. Busy.
Oh - and another new thing I want to make note of. I said I was getting more political. Well, I wrote my representative this morning about a bill concerning dogs and asked him to oppose it. It's really a ridiculous bill - but I won't go into that here. I just wanted to note that as a first.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Plowing ground
How appropriate that during this time of Father working in the garden of our Family - Father and Daughter find themselves tilling up her backyard and planting new grass.
Thanks Father
Thanks Father
Friday, February 27, 2009
Family.... sigh
I love the effect people have on me when they say something about my blogging. I don't really do this for people as much as I do it for myself but when someone says something it's like a nudge from God himself. In an email a friend just sticks a little line in there and says "keep blogging". I don't really know if he said that because i haven't blogged in a few days or if he's just being generally encouraging. But I answered and said that if I blogged it would look something like this....
Family.....sigh.
God is Good.
Then, of course, I decided that I should blog this. My mind has been much on real time family dynamics the last few days. I've touched a little on family and what I believe God is doing in mine. I tried to find the post where I talked about the book The Shack and how through an illustration in that book I can see my family as a fractal - a garden - ever changing.
In the book Mac is with Sariyu (spelling?) who is Holy Spirit and they go out to work in a garden and in that garden many things are being pulled up and gotten rid of, other things are being moved around and other things are being planted. Hard work. Things being dug up by the roots - deep roots. In the book that garden - which Sariyu calls a fractal - is Mac's life.
That's how I see my little family at this point in time. Sometimes Holy Spirit lets everything rest then suddenly he says Hmmmm I think we need to do something with this and that and well, this other affects that other so we need to do something here.
I embrace this process as the Goodness of God at work in the midst of broken humanity. Our humanity. Individual transformation journeys spilling over onto other's transformation journeys.
And I sigh - there's work involved here.
And I say - God is Good and his promises are yea and amen.
Family.....sigh.
God is Good.
Then, of course, I decided that I should blog this. My mind has been much on real time family dynamics the last few days. I've touched a little on family and what I believe God is doing in mine. I tried to find the post where I talked about the book The Shack and how through an illustration in that book I can see my family as a fractal - a garden - ever changing.
In the book Mac is with Sariyu (spelling?) who is Holy Spirit and they go out to work in a garden and in that garden many things are being pulled up and gotten rid of, other things are being moved around and other things are being planted. Hard work. Things being dug up by the roots - deep roots. In the book that garden - which Sariyu calls a fractal - is Mac's life.
That's how I see my little family at this point in time. Sometimes Holy Spirit lets everything rest then suddenly he says Hmmmm I think we need to do something with this and that and well, this other affects that other so we need to do something here.
I embrace this process as the Goodness of God at work in the midst of broken humanity. Our humanity. Individual transformation journeys spilling over onto other's transformation journeys.
And I sigh - there's work involved here.
And I say - God is Good and his promises are yea and amen.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Catching me up
I'm not really liking this routine very much. I'm not liking how I blog for the two weeks at the end of a month and then stop. Mostly has to do with my work routine. I'm busy at the beginning of the month and not at the end of the month. Still I don't like it. My workload has lessened - at least for now - so maybe when March 1 comes around I'll keep typing. I should have done better this month and had actually intended to.
But work was not the only thing that stopped me from writing this time. If you follow this blog you know that I loaded some pictures in the last post, then took them out and now have put them back.
That process was due to some intense conversation I was having with a friend. It lasted maybe a week (?) but my brain was fried and I was tired when we finally came to resolution. I didn't lose any sleep but I did get a fever blister from the stress. We had to work through some issues surrounding those pictures. It was good for me in the over all because I had to step back and get into conversation with Father about things. Most wonderfully, I discovered that Father would protect the things he puts within me. Also wonderfully, I noted that he will at the same time bring me to the place of peace and freedom about those things. It's never about what I do it's about what I am. Out of the being will come the doing.
I'm not going into detail about the conversation because I don't want that to be the focus. Point is in relationships there are times when relationships are tested. Sometimes they don't survive the test.
This relationship survived and not only that, the two of us involved feel that it's stronger for having gone there. It's so much easier to just move away from someone when there is disagreement. It's so much harder to confront the issue. For one thing - you might find out that you're the one in the wrong. EEEEK But even if you end up feeling that you're in the right still, it's such an uncomfortable thing, to say the least, that we just don't want to do it.
And so we find community in the realm of people with whom it's easy to relate. And we pat ourselves on the back because we have so many people around us whom we love and we feel that they love us. But I feel that we somehow miss something of the essence of the heart of God when we are not willing to step into these murky, uncomfortable places. This brief conflict over my pictures was really a safe one all things considered. This was conflict with some one with whom I've been friends for several years and we've had a few ups and downs in the past just not quite like this. Always there is potential for the "end". But she and I are both people who walk very carefully through our difficult conversations. My husband thinks we're nuts but we find that if we do this by email it works better. We have time to read and ponder the others comments and then think about what we are going to say and how to say it.
Larry and I do this in our own way. We don't assume that one conversation is all it takes to settle an issue. We know that it takes several conversations. We might have one conversation where one is bringing their points and then that might be followed one or several days later with the other's side of things. That can go on for weeks. Some conversations actually can last years as the same issue comes up periodically. I daresay conversation between my friend and I will happen at some point in the future around some of the issues that came up in our initial photo conversation. It should happen. We don't have all the answers and until something happens we don't necessarily know what the questions are.
So - this is the explanation of why I did not write more this month already. I had intended to because my work was actually less of an issue this time. Still I've got to find the way to grow in the ability to overcome distraction and remain steady and true to this pursuit.
But work was not the only thing that stopped me from writing this time. If you follow this blog you know that I loaded some pictures in the last post, then took them out and now have put them back.
That process was due to some intense conversation I was having with a friend. It lasted maybe a week (?) but my brain was fried and I was tired when we finally came to resolution. I didn't lose any sleep but I did get a fever blister from the stress. We had to work through some issues surrounding those pictures. It was good for me in the over all because I had to step back and get into conversation with Father about things. Most wonderfully, I discovered that Father would protect the things he puts within me. Also wonderfully, I noted that he will at the same time bring me to the place of peace and freedom about those things. It's never about what I do it's about what I am. Out of the being will come the doing.
I'm not going into detail about the conversation because I don't want that to be the focus. Point is in relationships there are times when relationships are tested. Sometimes they don't survive the test.
This relationship survived and not only that, the two of us involved feel that it's stronger for having gone there. It's so much easier to just move away from someone when there is disagreement. It's so much harder to confront the issue. For one thing - you might find out that you're the one in the wrong. EEEEK But even if you end up feeling that you're in the right still, it's such an uncomfortable thing, to say the least, that we just don't want to do it.
And so we find community in the realm of people with whom it's easy to relate. And we pat ourselves on the back because we have so many people around us whom we love and we feel that they love us. But I feel that we somehow miss something of the essence of the heart of God when we are not willing to step into these murky, uncomfortable places. This brief conflict over my pictures was really a safe one all things considered. This was conflict with some one with whom I've been friends for several years and we've had a few ups and downs in the past just not quite like this. Always there is potential for the "end". But she and I are both people who walk very carefully through our difficult conversations. My husband thinks we're nuts but we find that if we do this by email it works better. We have time to read and ponder the others comments and then think about what we are going to say and how to say it.
Larry and I do this in our own way. We don't assume that one conversation is all it takes to settle an issue. We know that it takes several conversations. We might have one conversation where one is bringing their points and then that might be followed one or several days later with the other's side of things. That can go on for weeks. Some conversations actually can last years as the same issue comes up periodically. I daresay conversation between my friend and I will happen at some point in the future around some of the issues that came up in our initial photo conversation. It should happen. We don't have all the answers and until something happens we don't necessarily know what the questions are.
So - this is the explanation of why I did not write more this month already. I had intended to because my work was actually less of an issue this time. Still I've got to find the way to grow in the ability to overcome distraction and remain steady and true to this pursuit.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Let Every Man Have His Journey
This is some more thinking about community and bringing one more thought into my puzzle.
Some years ago Larry and I began to understand how important each persons journey before the Lord is and why we need to respect it because we found ourselves on this journey of moving from place to place and it was very hard when people wanted us to stay or to do something that we knew in our heart was not what we could do. We couldn't prove that what were feeling to do was right. Many of the things we've done haven't made much sense. Many of the things we've adopted as our standard for living this life we couldn't prove with chapter and verse - at least not at the time.
We just knew that we needed to do what we were doing. We knew we had to be what we were being. Even if we were wrong we needed to do it. We can look back now and say that we feel that the moves we made were really and truly the thing God wanted us to do. We can also say that there are plenty of times that the way we did those things was NOT what he wanted us to do. We have some things in the overall picture that we just agree to disagree with each other on and will have to wait for THAT DAY when we know as he knows to know the truth. We can also say that there have been many times when God would set us on some kind of course and we would simply do it and he would bring the word to bear on it later.
The point I'm making is that this is the journey as we walked it before the Lord and we quickly understood that we needed grace from others while we did it.
The following thought was that we needed to give to others that same grace as they walked out their journey before the Lord.
Chances are you can look into any life being lived around you and find something you would do differently. You might even question whether that person is really following God or not. You might wonder if the voice they are hearing is the voice of their soul or the voice of Holy Spirit.
If it's you looking at you and asking these questions then - that's OK. If it's you looking at somebody else's life and asking those questions then - what are you doing? Who told you (or me) that you could question another man's journey? That can so so so easily fall under the heading of judgement.
We're not blind. We're going to see things. Obviously we're going to have some opinions. We're going to find ourselves in the place of examining and re-examining what we know or think we know. This is a good thing to do. Larry and I have learned to keep quiet for the most part - unless invited to speak. We've left conversations with people and had misgivings in our heart from the decisions we heard - as I'm sure happened when people have heard us declare our decisions.
Sometimes thoughts and opinions are asked for. Sometimes they're not.
When they are we can say we've done our best to help them process and when they're not we have to be careful as we watch the unfolding events to not be judgemental when things don't go the way WE would have thought.
Our God works in our lives through processes more than miracles. Processes can take a long time. A loooong time.
We've been practicing this at various levels down through the years. It's important to us and as we were doing "house church" in KC a deeper feeling came down on this and we began to see the journey as a truly sacred thing before the Lord. Each one works out his own souls salvation before the Lord.
We're moving into another level of learning where this is concerned as we look harder at community - and commitment - and living closer. Our life as we have known it is changing. We did walk alone pretty much. We are confident that this was God's doing for his purposes.
We aren't to walk alone anymore. But how? How is this done? How to live close to one another in a way that causes you to affect each other's life in all the good ways and still respect that journey?
These are the questions that we are asking ourselves. We make no assumptions. We see everybody as seeing that differently from everybody else. Some people are not ready to let others in. There will always, I think, be that place where the line is drawn and the walk is yours and yours alone. You and God (you meaning you and spouse if there is one). Even the child at some point must start taking ownership of their walk for good or ill.
I am convinced that this is a very important piece of the puzzle of community.
A puzzle.
A body with many interacting yet independent parts.
Some years ago Larry and I began to understand how important each persons journey before the Lord is and why we need to respect it because we found ourselves on this journey of moving from place to place and it was very hard when people wanted us to stay or to do something that we knew in our heart was not what we could do. We couldn't prove that what were feeling to do was right. Many of the things we've done haven't made much sense. Many of the things we've adopted as our standard for living this life we couldn't prove with chapter and verse - at least not at the time.
We just knew that we needed to do what we were doing. We knew we had to be what we were being. Even if we were wrong we needed to do it. We can look back now and say that we feel that the moves we made were really and truly the thing God wanted us to do. We can also say that there are plenty of times that the way we did those things was NOT what he wanted us to do. We have some things in the overall picture that we just agree to disagree with each other on and will have to wait for THAT DAY when we know as he knows to know the truth. We can also say that there have been many times when God would set us on some kind of course and we would simply do it and he would bring the word to bear on it later.
The point I'm making is that this is the journey as we walked it before the Lord and we quickly understood that we needed grace from others while we did it.
The following thought was that we needed to give to others that same grace as they walked out their journey before the Lord.
Chances are you can look into any life being lived around you and find something you would do differently. You might even question whether that person is really following God or not. You might wonder if the voice they are hearing is the voice of their soul or the voice of Holy Spirit.
If it's you looking at you and asking these questions then - that's OK. If it's you looking at somebody else's life and asking those questions then - what are you doing? Who told you (or me) that you could question another man's journey? That can so so so easily fall under the heading of judgement.
We're not blind. We're going to see things. Obviously we're going to have some opinions. We're going to find ourselves in the place of examining and re-examining what we know or think we know. This is a good thing to do. Larry and I have learned to keep quiet for the most part - unless invited to speak. We've left conversations with people and had misgivings in our heart from the decisions we heard - as I'm sure happened when people have heard us declare our decisions.
Sometimes thoughts and opinions are asked for. Sometimes they're not.
When they are we can say we've done our best to help them process and when they're not we have to be careful as we watch the unfolding events to not be judgemental when things don't go the way WE would have thought.
Our God works in our lives through processes more than miracles. Processes can take a long time. A loooong time.
We've been practicing this at various levels down through the years. It's important to us and as we were doing "house church" in KC a deeper feeling came down on this and we began to see the journey as a truly sacred thing before the Lord. Each one works out his own souls salvation before the Lord.
We're moving into another level of learning where this is concerned as we look harder at community - and commitment - and living closer. Our life as we have known it is changing. We did walk alone pretty much. We are confident that this was God's doing for his purposes.
We aren't to walk alone anymore. But how? How is this done? How to live close to one another in a way that causes you to affect each other's life in all the good ways and still respect that journey?
These are the questions that we are asking ourselves. We make no assumptions. We see everybody as seeing that differently from everybody else. Some people are not ready to let others in. There will always, I think, be that place where the line is drawn and the walk is yours and yours alone. You and God (you meaning you and spouse if there is one). Even the child at some point must start taking ownership of their walk for good or ill.
I am convinced that this is a very important piece of the puzzle of community.
A puzzle.
A body with many interacting yet independent parts.
Friday, January 16, 2009
More thoughts on community
What is community?
Living, bleeding, breathing life...together. Walking through gardens arm-in-arm, pointing out every beautiful flower, each turning leaf. Exposing life together. Punching through walls, shattering mirrors, and baring scars. Destroying the idea that each one of us is an atlas, straining and sweating to balance the weight of the world, alone, on our shoulders. Holding buckets to catch the tears; collecting and pouring them over the soil of our souls. Growing and blossoming, changing colors and falling, living and moving...together.
This quote is from a young lady - 19? 20? - I'm not sure. Her name is Alec and she and her mother had a discussion about community. They explored the question and she wrote her definition and her mom sent it to several of us that she knows are exploring this same question.
And if you by chance don't know anything of her story and think she is too young to have insight - let me just say that the little knowledge that I have assures me she as well versed in the pain of life as are so so so many of the children in this country and this world.
I love how she wrote it. This bunch of people that I'm thinking about in particular this day became connected through divine appointments and common pursuing of God. Larry and I can tell our own stories of getting connected. It was a marvelous time. 1999. 2000. (I need to make a correction here. Two have reminded me - it was actually 1997 when Larry and I first connected with the people that have become our spiritual family. There was a couple of moves for Larry and me in the years between and in my mind it seems that the connecting started when we left the job that moved us around and we ended up in WM. So that's the time table that sticks in my head. Sometimes we tell our memory what to remember.) Even though God brought us together with them it was three - yes three - years before I knew that I knew that this was the family God had connected me to. Some I seldom see but I always feel the connection. I was once again a part of something bigger than myself. Since the beginning there have been ups and downs - doing things together and separately. There came the point that we were as "parts lying on the ground".
But Father has been pulling us back together. Helping us to stand up again. There is a shared history now. We are connected by more than the common interests. We share more than just good times in the Lord. There is love here. And as we grow in this "community" of people I find that Alec's quote is very appropriate. Genuine caring for the stuff of each other's life without the need to dictate or interfere.
We're questioning. We're probing the depths of this idea. We cannot define it. We dare not. And yet Alec did it without doing it. Read her words. Examine her phrases. Don't just look at the beauty and power of the expression and get lost in the abstract. It's not something we do - it's what we are in God's today expression of Himself through the Son that dwells in us.
Look at your own community.... your family..... your marriage. These are the places where this is lived out in it's greatest intensity. Tough decisions have to be made. Confrontation might have to happen.
What to do after?
Show up.
Show up.
Divorce is not an option. (This little nugget came from a marriage that included at least one escapist but God in his wisdom early on took that option out. The marriage has survived and flourished.)
Show up.
The Word of God is chock full of what to do's but the how to's are where we stumble. How to love? How to lay down my life? How to love the one that is hurting me. How to confront if necessary. How to know IF such as that is necessary? And is it YOURS to do? How to allow the other their joys and triumphs with out envy and one-upmanship? How to overcome that part of me that just CANNOT allow Jesus his expression of life and love.
Well.
That's where the cross comes in to play. Recognition. Repentance. Taking ownership rather than blameshifting. Times of refreshing for our own spirits and souls as we come out from under the self stuff that weighs us down and allows that enemy to steal, kill and destroy.
We must get unstuck from the abstract beauty of the ideas of community and brotherly love and be willing to walk through bloody messes at times. The rubber of our shoe bottoms must meet the road of life's realities.
Forgiveness. Setting ourselves free from that which wounded us. To see this as our response to the one who wounded is to stop far short of it's power. It is our response to the God who requires it of us. Yes, requires. If we can't then we repent of our inability. We forgive so that HE can set us and the wounder free from each other. Then we are both free to receive HIS judgement and healing.
I watched a movie called Invincible about Vince Papale who left the neighborhood in Philly to become an Eagle (yessss - football). I loved watching the dynamic of community and relationship in that movie and recommend it to anyone who would care to watch it.
My heart sings in prayer today for all those that God has given to Larry and I throughout our journey - beginning with our children, who are our heart of hearts.
We contend for this reality that we cannot define.
Living, bleeding, breathing life...together. Walking through gardens arm-in-arm, pointing out every beautiful flower, each turning leaf. Exposing life together. Punching through walls, shattering mirrors, and baring scars. Destroying the idea that each one of us is an atlas, straining and sweating to balance the weight of the world, alone, on our shoulders. Holding buckets to catch the tears; collecting and pouring them over the soil of our souls. Growing and blossoming, changing colors and falling, living and moving...together.
This quote is from a young lady - 19? 20? - I'm not sure. Her name is Alec and she and her mother had a discussion about community. They explored the question and she wrote her definition and her mom sent it to several of us that she knows are exploring this same question.
And if you by chance don't know anything of her story and think she is too young to have insight - let me just say that the little knowledge that I have assures me she as well versed in the pain of life as are so so so many of the children in this country and this world.
I love how she wrote it. This bunch of people that I'm thinking about in particular this day became connected through divine appointments and common pursuing of God. Larry and I can tell our own stories of getting connected. It was a marvelous time. 1999. 2000. (I need to make a correction here. Two have reminded me - it was actually 1997 when Larry and I first connected with the people that have become our spiritual family. There was a couple of moves for Larry and me in the years between and in my mind it seems that the connecting started when we left the job that moved us around and we ended up in WM. So that's the time table that sticks in my head. Sometimes we tell our memory what to remember.) Even though God brought us together with them it was three - yes three - years before I knew that I knew that this was the family God had connected me to. Some I seldom see but I always feel the connection. I was once again a part of something bigger than myself. Since the beginning there have been ups and downs - doing things together and separately. There came the point that we were as "parts lying on the ground".
But Father has been pulling us back together. Helping us to stand up again. There is a shared history now. We are connected by more than the common interests. We share more than just good times in the Lord. There is love here. And as we grow in this "community" of people I find that Alec's quote is very appropriate. Genuine caring for the stuff of each other's life without the need to dictate or interfere.
We're questioning. We're probing the depths of this idea. We cannot define it. We dare not. And yet Alec did it without doing it. Read her words. Examine her phrases. Don't just look at the beauty and power of the expression and get lost in the abstract. It's not something we do - it's what we are in God's today expression of Himself through the Son that dwells in us.
Look at your own community.... your family..... your marriage. These are the places where this is lived out in it's greatest intensity. Tough decisions have to be made. Confrontation might have to happen.
What to do after?
Show up.
Show up.
Divorce is not an option. (This little nugget came from a marriage that included at least one escapist but God in his wisdom early on took that option out. The marriage has survived and flourished.)
Show up.
The Word of God is chock full of what to do's but the how to's are where we stumble. How to love? How to lay down my life? How to love the one that is hurting me. How to confront if necessary. How to know IF such as that is necessary? And is it YOURS to do? How to allow the other their joys and triumphs with out envy and one-upmanship? How to overcome that part of me that just CANNOT allow Jesus his expression of life and love.
Well.
That's where the cross comes in to play. Recognition. Repentance. Taking ownership rather than blameshifting. Times of refreshing for our own spirits and souls as we come out from under the self stuff that weighs us down and allows that enemy to steal, kill and destroy.
We must get unstuck from the abstract beauty of the ideas of community and brotherly love and be willing to walk through bloody messes at times. The rubber of our shoe bottoms must meet the road of life's realities.
Forgiveness. Setting ourselves free from that which wounded us. To see this as our response to the one who wounded is to stop far short of it's power. It is our response to the God who requires it of us. Yes, requires. If we can't then we repent of our inability. We forgive so that HE can set us and the wounder free from each other. Then we are both free to receive HIS judgement and healing.
I watched a movie called Invincible about Vince Papale who left the neighborhood in Philly to become an Eagle (yessss - football). I loved watching the dynamic of community and relationship in that movie and recommend it to anyone who would care to watch it.
My heart sings in prayer today for all those that God has given to Larry and I throughout our journey - beginning with our children, who are our heart of hearts.
We contend for this reality that we cannot define.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Thoughts about the family issues
"Children are not here to validate your parenting"
That statement is one of those little “nuggets”, as we say, that God dropped into my heart one day back somewhere in the ‘80s. It sorta comforted me at the moment but I confess it did not really have the depth of meaning that it does now. I wrestle with understanding family, God’s perspectives on family and how that seems to play out in real life. So if what I see in real life doesn’t line up with “truth” doesn’t that make it wrong? Well, what if what I think and have thought for years is “truth” turns out to be a misunderstanding on my part? Actually that has happened many a time. To think that because we became 21 and had children and a bank account and a car and weren’t asking our parents permission made us adults is silly. Larry and I figured out a long time ago that we were always just about one step ahead (if that) of our children in maturity for many years. Maybe even now. See me smile?
So today as a mother of chronologically grown children living their lives their way I rely much upon hindsight to help me understand. I can’t go and redo or fix anything but I have the comfort now of having finally read the back of the book. No, I’m not through parenting but parenting 30somethings is not the same as when you are raising them to be 30somethings. There does come an end to that book.
I struggle with how to share with my “grown” children these things that I understand better now than I did then. Father is very wonderful to continue to educate me. Lately he opened up my understanding of things that I think had a profound effect on my son. I’m working on how to tell him these things. He needs to hear them. I wonder if he will be able to hear them. Once upon a time I would have just called him up and told him but I have seen the futility of that. So many times such efforts have been more about me than him. There’s a time that is right and a way that is right. I’m sure I will try soon. I feel the importance of this.
I wish I could be like Jesus was. He was always able to say the thing that needed to be said to the person in front of him when it needed to be said. I realize too, though, that it’s not just about me being “obedient” to “speak the truth in love”. It’s about being able to yield to him and let HIM speak the truth (express himself) in love. I will need to let him form the words inside me. They will and should come through the grid of a mother’s heart. I also know that not everybody jumped up and down for joy just because Jesus spoke. Think Rich Young Ruler. We don’t know what that young man did later. We don’t know if after thinking about Jesus words he repented and did what Jesus said. We can hope so but maybe he didn’t. There were many who just did not embrace his ways and that has been the case all through history.
It is not my mission to steer my children anymore. I embrace them in their lives. I know they know their God and that is enough for me because I cannot look upon the heart as he can. I will leave judgments to him. But I can see where brokenness is or has been and I simply want my children to be whole and to find fulfillment in this life. It’s not my job to see to their decisions or their happiness but to be sure that when I’m done they don’t have to finish out anything for me but can continue to become the people God created them to be.
As I said before I love what God is doing in our family – this garden – this fractal. Planting new things, pulling up old dead stuff, moving things around.
That statement is one of those little “nuggets”, as we say, that God dropped into my heart one day back somewhere in the ‘80s. It sorta comforted me at the moment but I confess it did not really have the depth of meaning that it does now. I wrestle with understanding family, God’s perspectives on family and how that seems to play out in real life. So if what I see in real life doesn’t line up with “truth” doesn’t that make it wrong? Well, what if what I think and have thought for years is “truth” turns out to be a misunderstanding on my part? Actually that has happened many a time. To think that because we became 21 and had children and a bank account and a car and weren’t asking our parents permission made us adults is silly. Larry and I figured out a long time ago that we were always just about one step ahead (if that) of our children in maturity for many years. Maybe even now. See me smile?
So today as a mother of chronologically grown children living their lives their way I rely much upon hindsight to help me understand. I can’t go and redo or fix anything but I have the comfort now of having finally read the back of the book. No, I’m not through parenting but parenting 30somethings is not the same as when you are raising them to be 30somethings. There does come an end to that book.
I struggle with how to share with my “grown” children these things that I understand better now than I did then. Father is very wonderful to continue to educate me. Lately he opened up my understanding of things that I think had a profound effect on my son. I’m working on how to tell him these things. He needs to hear them. I wonder if he will be able to hear them. Once upon a time I would have just called him up and told him but I have seen the futility of that. So many times such efforts have been more about me than him. There’s a time that is right and a way that is right. I’m sure I will try soon. I feel the importance of this.
I wish I could be like Jesus was. He was always able to say the thing that needed to be said to the person in front of him when it needed to be said. I realize too, though, that it’s not just about me being “obedient” to “speak the truth in love”. It’s about being able to yield to him and let HIM speak the truth (express himself) in love. I will need to let him form the words inside me. They will and should come through the grid of a mother’s heart. I also know that not everybody jumped up and down for joy just because Jesus spoke. Think Rich Young Ruler. We don’t know what that young man did later. We don’t know if after thinking about Jesus words he repented and did what Jesus said. We can hope so but maybe he didn’t. There were many who just did not embrace his ways and that has been the case all through history.
It is not my mission to steer my children anymore. I embrace them in their lives. I know they know their God and that is enough for me because I cannot look upon the heart as he can. I will leave judgments to him. But I can see where brokenness is or has been and I simply want my children to be whole and to find fulfillment in this life. It’s not my job to see to their decisions or their happiness but to be sure that when I’m done they don’t have to finish out anything for me but can continue to become the people God created them to be.
As I said before I love what God is doing in our family – this garden – this fractal. Planting new things, pulling up old dead stuff, moving things around.
Two of my favorite people in the world.
My son and daughter at the time of her
graduation from college.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Family
Larry’s dad. He just turned 80 last week. Things like this cause me to think about things. Like history. We took him to Olive Garden because he mentioned to Larry his curiosity about it. He had never been there. We had a good time. Larry’s Dad. My dad too – since I was barely 18 when I married in. My children’s grandfather and my grand children’s great grandfather. The last grandparent since my parents died several years ago and Larry’s mom died almost two years ago. Now – NOW – I have the maturity and sensibility to appreciate these people. I didn’t always, you know. Especially the grandparents – parents of our parents. Too independent to receive from others. But as I look back on these folks in my mind now I see things that I did not have eyes for and I feel an appreciation for them that I did not feel then. I'm not saying I didn't like them. I did and I enjoyed most of the time I was with them. But I know I passed up opportunities to receive from them. Opportunities passed up. Lives are filled with opportunities passed up. Opportunities in relationships. Opportunities to be life giving. Opportunities to receive life nutrients. I read a quote the other day by the singer Joan Baez that said “The easiest kind of relationship for me is with 10,000 people. The hardest is with one.” Scary to get too close - to give up a little space.
God places us in families because we need to be in families. We need each other. That is the first line of community. We’re supposed to learn the basics of overcoming relationship issues there. You know – things like forgiveness, recognition, appreciation of diversity. How to look at ourselves, realize our own faults and learn how to repent and make restitution when we have wounded. Family does that if we let it. If we let it put right boundaries on us and within those boundaries we make it work. We let....love. We let.....generosity. We let.....commonality and diversity. Work. Be effective in the transforming of our souls. In the perfect world we would learn these things as children and go into the world as adults with better attitudes than we do.
We would be better prepared to parent children if we had been able to accept our parents parenting and that goes for them too and will apply to the generations after.
Some people achieve this and some don't. We run from family. It’s a good thing to find our families in the heart and spirit connections but still there are reasons in God for natural family. I’m thankful today for those people who make up my natural family. I may or may not ever be close to them but I think I can go into the future with an appreciation for what they bring to me.
I’m not through parenting and my heart is to pass this on to my children. I still want to be a good parent.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
New Year's Declaration
Today is the 8th day of the New Year. This New Year is 2009. Eight is the number of new beginnings. Nine is the number representing fruit.
I had a plan. We were going to do some neat stuff on New Year's Day. Larry and Me. A prayer journey. Some time together before Father. It was going to be a beautiful day.
It was just before we left the house. I said something about something Larry did or didn't do and he didn't like it and I didn't like his response and well...you know.
We did go pray. Thought it might be better to try to take the high road out of the situation and by nightfall apologies had been said and conversations have taken place since then. More treasure for us.
I put aside the idea of writing until I had my mind again. I read a post by a lady in Canada whose blog is called A Holy Experience. I liked what she said. She spoke of naming the years. I thought about that and wondered what I'd name this year. Several things came to mind in the last few days but this is the one that stuck.
Every once in a GREAT while I write something of a poetic nature. I wrote the psalm below a few years ago - in Kansas City - before the really dark times hit. I feel this is appropriate for how I feel at this moment of my life.
My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the king:
my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer. Psalm 45:1
I recite my verses for the King
The only King
The only One
King of Kings * Mighty One * Beautiful One * Glorious One
My verses are for you
You wrote them yourself in ancient days
The words of my life
The words of my destiny
Purpose and Plan
Words of Sorrow * Words of Pain * Words of Joy * Words of Peace
Tasks to perform – Times of Doing
Times to rest – Tasks of Being
Prepare, grow, get ready, get ready!
You wrote these verses on my heart
I recite them for you
For your pleasure I live them
By means of my tongue
You Declare
I AM
And the verses of my heart begin to live.
Purpose and Plan begin to take shape
Destiny comes forth
Because You Declare…I AM
Using My Tongue…I AM
My heart is stirred by this noble theme
Christ in me
In me
I AM
I had a plan. We were going to do some neat stuff on New Year's Day. Larry and Me. A prayer journey. Some time together before Father. It was going to be a beautiful day.
It was just before we left the house. I said something about something Larry did or didn't do and he didn't like it and I didn't like his response and well...you know.
We did go pray. Thought it might be better to try to take the high road out of the situation and by nightfall apologies had been said and conversations have taken place since then. More treasure for us.
I put aside the idea of writing until I had my mind again. I read a post by a lady in Canada whose blog is called A Holy Experience. I liked what she said. She spoke of naming the years. I thought about that and wondered what I'd name this year. Several things came to mind in the last few days but this is the one that stuck.
Chapter 1
The year 2009 is Chapter 1 of the new book of our life.
Every once in a GREAT while I write something of a poetic nature. I wrote the psalm below a few years ago - in Kansas City - before the really dark times hit. I feel this is appropriate for how I feel at this moment of my life.
~~~~~~~~~
My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the king:
my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer. Psalm 45:1
I recite my verses for the King
The only King
The only One
King of Kings * Mighty One * Beautiful One * Glorious One
My verses are for you
You wrote them yourself in ancient days
The words of my life
The words of my destiny
Purpose and Plan
Words of Sorrow * Words of Pain * Words of Joy * Words of Peace
Tasks to perform – Times of Doing
Times to rest – Tasks of Being
Prepare, grow, get ready, get ready!
You wrote these verses on my heart
I recite them for you
For your pleasure I live them
By means of my tongue
You Declare
I AM
And the verses of my heart begin to live.
Purpose and Plan begin to take shape
Destiny comes forth
Because You Declare…I AM
Using My Tongue…I AM
My heart is stirred by this noble theme
Christ in me
In me
I AM
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Don't define it
Community that is.
Christmas Eve. Fellowship with friends at Cheddars. The talk turns to relationship words. Words of appreciation to each other for how much the other means. One is amazed at the changes in himself and his approach to life - to people.
Driving home Larry and I are talking about community. And I have that revelatory moment.
Christmas Eve. Fellowship with friends at Cheddars. The talk turns to relationship words. Words of appreciation to each other for how much the other means. One is amazed at the changes in himself and his approach to life - to people.
But I say he's in the flow of what God is doing in this season. Community.... relationship.
Change on the outside requires change on the inside.
Transformation.
It is God who transforms us by His Spirit.
Driving home Larry and I are talking about community. And I have that revelatory moment.
Don't define it!!! Don't nail it down!!! Don't do anything that would give IT form and structure.
The natural human tendency is to do that very thing. And we must not. As Larry, reading this over my shoulder just said, it is defined by the moment. The present moment. Not for us to control. Not for us to contrive. Detriech Bonhoffer said "Those who live with/for the dream of community will destroy it". (Not an exact quote. That's me quoting Larry quoting Detriech.) But that's the point and the challenge before us in this season. Can we just "be" relationship with each other or do we have to do something to try to make an earthly show of a heavenly reality.
Thank you Jesus for that little reminder in my spirit last night. Back to my benchmark --- Am I being lifegiving to those you have connected me to - to the one in front of me, unkown? Am I just caring about them, not trying to fix them or to bring them "up to" something that I think is the standard that all should follow? Arrogance. Lord, it is not in my power to do this but it is in my power to choose to allow you the expression you choose at that moment. It is in my power to choose to love and to care and to respect and honor and if I will choose it you will empower me. It may not be in my power to knit my heart with others but it is in your power to do that knitting if I will but choose to allow you to demolish my defences.
Transformation.
A new place in the kingdom. "Come, follow me", Jesus said over and over to his disciples.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Some not very Christmasy thoughts about Christmas
So once again I'm challenged by a friend to express my thoughts. Credit to S. I've had this blog written for several days but was thinking about not posting it. I think the reason is that I'm now going into the area of opinions. I like that - because to me it is a going forward. It's scary because sometimes people don't like other people's opinions.
Oh well. It's my blog. My place for processing my thoughts. If I knew it was going to stop here that would be one thing but I've already started my next blog. This is me....growing.
Think I'll shut up here and just go with my not very Christmasy thoughts and let subsequent posts speak for themselves.
I’m OK with Christmas.
Really. I am. Sort of.
I believe I'm going to enjoy this Christmas season.
Lets say I’ve come to peace with Christmas. After 50+ years of living in it and for it now I live with it and can enjoy it on my own terms and on the terms I'm working out with my family.
As a child I lived in it. That’s what children do. I guess I enjoyed that season of the year as much as most kids did. We didn’t have much and mom and dad didn’t spend much and there was not this big decorating of the house thing or big cooking thing that went on. I don’t have any horrible memories of Christmas as a child but neither was it spectacular. We just did Christmas every year. I think it was when I began hanging with D as a teenager that I began to feel what Christmas can and can’t do for people. I’m not so sure that her Mom (single working mom) had lots of money but she knew how to make her money work for her. Christmas at D’s house meant a huge tree with what seemed to be hundreds of presents underneath. Vaguely I felt the difference. I was living in that time when I was very detached from the reality of life so it didn't really bother me much but neither have I forgotten it.
Then I became married with children and started living for it - starting about December 15 every year. Some Christmases we had money to spend and we spent. Other Christmases we didn’t have much money and we didn’t spend. But as my children got older I felt the effects of those times when I couldn’t spend and they would talk about what their friends got for Christmas. I never knew how to make money work for me. And it wasn't just the money. I had never established in my heart what Christmas was really about so if I couldn't give them "presents" then I seemed to have nothing to give even though I was a Christian.
Bless our hearts, Larry and I just never were the best money or time “managers”. So we were never really prepared. Sure I know that stuff is really about us but I also feel like all this has kept me from romanticizing the season. I won't be one of its major defenders because I don't think it's the be all and end all of Christian expression. And besides what you may be doing at home, when there’s kids involved, you also have school and all that is required of you from that quarter. And in my opinion the demands of the church were the worst. Honestly. Christianity defends Christmas and lives Christmas as if Christmas was ordained by God – and even a superficial study will show that it wasn’t. It is something born in the heart of men and the fact that God meets us here in special ways doesn’t change that. He uses every opportunity we give him to reveal himself as the LIGHT who came into the world. I don’t have a problem with the idea that we might want to set aside a day to celebrate the coming of our Christ into this world. Nothing wrong with that. I just think that Christmas is treated with an importance that is way out of proportion to what it really is.
And I don't think we need to get upset when others who do not believe what we do choose to use the season for their own purposes. (Think Festivus.) After all - according to some, feel free to research this yourself - we adopted a day from the pagan calendar so why should we get bothered when others want to adopt a day that we adopted from someone else. If people don't believe they are not going to start if they feel like they have to defend themselves and their own freedom from us. The reality of Christ is not necessarily seen in a nativity scene and is most likely not seen in its defenders.
As Christians we seem to insist that the rest of humanity see it the way we do. Unbelievers are not going to. Period. And nobody likes having something shoved down their throat. Christians don’t like it either. Would that all men become believers in Jesus the Savior but not so that we can all celebrate Christmas the same way.
I don't want to get carried away with this and won't go into details but I don't really like the way Christians who adhere to the Christian system express Christianity at Christmas time. At least not all of it. Can't make a blanket statement here.
My cry at Christmas would be for that freedom that Christ came to eventually purchase for us. The freedom of each one to do as they feel God would have them. Freedom from the need to perform. Freedom from unrealistic expectations imposed on us by society. Freedom to celebrate truth rather than traditions. I believe this can be a beautiful time of life each year.
I'm committed to finding that beauty within my family first and then to see what we have to offer a larger community.
Oh well. It's my blog. My place for processing my thoughts. If I knew it was going to stop here that would be one thing but I've already started my next blog. This is me....growing.
Think I'll shut up here and just go with my not very Christmasy thoughts and let subsequent posts speak for themselves.
I’m OK with Christmas.
Really. I am. Sort of.
I believe I'm going to enjoy this Christmas season.
Lets say I’ve come to peace with Christmas. After 50+ years of living in it and for it now I live with it and can enjoy it on my own terms and on the terms I'm working out with my family.
As a child I lived in it. That’s what children do. I guess I enjoyed that season of the year as much as most kids did. We didn’t have much and mom and dad didn’t spend much and there was not this big decorating of the house thing or big cooking thing that went on. I don’t have any horrible memories of Christmas as a child but neither was it spectacular. We just did Christmas every year. I think it was when I began hanging with D as a teenager that I began to feel what Christmas can and can’t do for people. I’m not so sure that her Mom (single working mom) had lots of money but she knew how to make her money work for her. Christmas at D’s house meant a huge tree with what seemed to be hundreds of presents underneath. Vaguely I felt the difference. I was living in that time when I was very detached from the reality of life so it didn't really bother me much but neither have I forgotten it.
Then I became married with children and started living for it - starting about December 15 every year. Some Christmases we had money to spend and we spent. Other Christmases we didn’t have much money and we didn’t spend. But as my children got older I felt the effects of those times when I couldn’t spend and they would talk about what their friends got for Christmas. I never knew how to make money work for me. And it wasn't just the money. I had never established in my heart what Christmas was really about so if I couldn't give them "presents" then I seemed to have nothing to give even though I was a Christian.
Bless our hearts, Larry and I just never were the best money or time “managers”. So we were never really prepared. Sure I know that stuff is really about us but I also feel like all this has kept me from romanticizing the season. I won't be one of its major defenders because I don't think it's the be all and end all of Christian expression. And besides what you may be doing at home, when there’s kids involved, you also have school and all that is required of you from that quarter. And in my opinion the demands of the church were the worst. Honestly. Christianity defends Christmas and lives Christmas as if Christmas was ordained by God – and even a superficial study will show that it wasn’t. It is something born in the heart of men and the fact that God meets us here in special ways doesn’t change that. He uses every opportunity we give him to reveal himself as the LIGHT who came into the world. I don’t have a problem with the idea that we might want to set aside a day to celebrate the coming of our Christ into this world. Nothing wrong with that. I just think that Christmas is treated with an importance that is way out of proportion to what it really is.
And I don't think we need to get upset when others who do not believe what we do choose to use the season for their own purposes. (Think Festivus.) After all - according to some, feel free to research this yourself - we adopted a day from the pagan calendar so why should we get bothered when others want to adopt a day that we adopted from someone else. If people don't believe they are not going to start if they feel like they have to defend themselves and their own freedom from us. The reality of Christ is not necessarily seen in a nativity scene and is most likely not seen in its defenders.
As Christians we seem to insist that the rest of humanity see it the way we do. Unbelievers are not going to. Period. And nobody likes having something shoved down their throat. Christians don’t like it either. Would that all men become believers in Jesus the Savior but not so that we can all celebrate Christmas the same way.
I don't want to get carried away with this and won't go into details but I don't really like the way Christians who adhere to the Christian system express Christianity at Christmas time. At least not all of it. Can't make a blanket statement here.
My cry at Christmas would be for that freedom that Christ came to eventually purchase for us. The freedom of each one to do as they feel God would have them. Freedom from the need to perform. Freedom from unrealistic expectations imposed on us by society. Freedom to celebrate truth rather than traditions. I believe this can be a beautiful time of life each year.
I'm committed to finding that beauty within my family first and then to see what we have to offer a larger community.
Community
That's a word that might start appearing in my blogs more. It's on my mind a lot. Our Kansas City experience was like a symphony that crescendoed at the end as we watched our group negotiate a transition. I describe that transition in my post from March 20, 2008 so I won't describe it here.
In about 30 years I have gone from being one who was reclusive, a loner in fact, to being one who desires community. I sought it out in KC with not so good results so I caution you to let God be the establisher of your community. The group we met with in KC was a God estabilished thing and it was very beautiful.
But I realized with this little experience of Larry's and mine of sharing a very small space together that Father is teaching US community. He is also teaching Larry and Me and Shan community. After all - we're family. Surely there must be community there. It would be lovely if I could talk about the history of us as a family in glowing terms where community is the subject. But I can't. We didn't do so well. We did OK.
As Larry and I began in KC to really understand our own differences I began to think of ways to put space between us. He created a man space downstairs so that I could have the upstairs. I had a bedroom with my computer and my stuff in it. My nobel thinking was to allow us the space to each be who we are. My not so nobel thinking was that I wanted to stop being aggravated with the contentions that would rise up between us.
Who US??
You betcha.
So I put a great distance between us. It wasn't conscious thinking on my part but I think it was part of the whole picture. We really didn't think we'd be apart as as long as we were but over time I settled into some routines that worked for me. Enter Larry. Just as I changed the dynamic of Shan's life with her dogs Larry changed the dynamic of my life and really the whole house.
Father doesn't want us to live apart. He doesn't want us to pass each other and say Hi, how's the weather. One of the reason's I knew getting in the same room in the evenings was important was that we weren't talking to each other much. Father is not the least upset by people rubbing up against each other. Doesn't he call it iron sharpening iron or something like that?
Our world is changing. Our country is changing. Christianity and it's ways are not the given in our society the way it was a generation ago. Could it be that we are going to have to learn this community thing as we get more and more boxed in by an unbelieving society? Could it be that those of us who chose to live outside the established structures of Christianity are going to find that we need each other more - even for something so basic as survival? Sounds drastic - but our world is changing. A generation ago Christians did not have to contend over the presence of nativity scenes or saying Merry Christmas. What will the generation after this bring - I'm not without hope for something better - a better expression of what life as a believer in Christ really means.
Community, I guess, starts at the lowest common denominator - a husband and wife, or parent and child, or whoever makes up the combination - and goes from there.
In about 30 years I have gone from being one who was reclusive, a loner in fact, to being one who desires community. I sought it out in KC with not so good results so I caution you to let God be the establisher of your community. The group we met with in KC was a God estabilished thing and it was very beautiful.
But I realized with this little experience of Larry's and mine of sharing a very small space together that Father is teaching US community. He is also teaching Larry and Me and Shan community. After all - we're family. Surely there must be community there. It would be lovely if I could talk about the history of us as a family in glowing terms where community is the subject. But I can't. We didn't do so well. We did OK.
As Larry and I began in KC to really understand our own differences I began to think of ways to put space between us. He created a man space downstairs so that I could have the upstairs. I had a bedroom with my computer and my stuff in it. My nobel thinking was to allow us the space to each be who we are. My not so nobel thinking was that I wanted to stop being aggravated with the contentions that would rise up between us.
Who US??
You betcha.
So I put a great distance between us. It wasn't conscious thinking on my part but I think it was part of the whole picture. We really didn't think we'd be apart as as long as we were but over time I settled into some routines that worked for me. Enter Larry. Just as I changed the dynamic of Shan's life with her dogs Larry changed the dynamic of my life and really the whole house.
Father doesn't want us to live apart. He doesn't want us to pass each other and say Hi, how's the weather. One of the reason's I knew getting in the same room in the evenings was important was that we weren't talking to each other much. Father is not the least upset by people rubbing up against each other. Doesn't he call it iron sharpening iron or something like that?
Our world is changing. Our country is changing. Christianity and it's ways are not the given in our society the way it was a generation ago. Could it be that we are going to have to learn this community thing as we get more and more boxed in by an unbelieving society? Could it be that those of us who chose to live outside the established structures of Christianity are going to find that we need each other more - even for something so basic as survival? Sounds drastic - but our world is changing. A generation ago Christians did not have to contend over the presence of nativity scenes or saying Merry Christmas. What will the generation after this bring - I'm not without hope for something better - a better expression of what life as a believer in Christ really means.
Community, I guess, starts at the lowest common denominator - a husband and wife, or parent and child, or whoever makes up the combination - and goes from there.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
It's good that I like Irony
It’s a good thing I like life’s ironies. I’m sitting smack dab in the middle of one.
(Besides this whole journey), it’s this situation where my computer and Larry and the TV are all in the same room and what a room. It’s a very small dining room. Very small. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very thankful for this room. And did I say it was small. Well…it’s big enough for a small table and some chairs. It'll be perfect for Shan when she gets it back. But for me and Larry it's small. When you've been used to having all the space and you let some one in to that space then it can feel smaller than it is. A psychological sort of thing.
The TV is just a few – FEW – feet away. Last night I was listening to some music on the computer and THOUGHT I was listening through my headphones. Actually I guess the music was so loud that I was hearing it just fine THROUGH the headphones and only thought I was hearing through the headphones. I took them off for some reason and… could still hear the music and….could not hear the football game and….figured it out. I turned in my chair and apologized to Larry but he was OK – he just thought I wanted to hear the music and well…he knows I don’t care anything about the football so I he thought it was reasonable that I would just drown out the TV with the music. OK – it was just kinda funny at the time. But the irony is this – that on this journey I end up in the same room with Larry and the TV. There are those who understand the irony because for the last several years I have been trying to get Larry and his noise away from me and my noise. I consider my noise to be quieter than his noise and of course my noise is just preferable to me whatever it is. It’s my noise. I’m such a territorial person. I like what is mine and tend to be somewhat protective of mine. Hmmm
Anyway this little situation becomes just another element of a journey in which nothing – and did I say NOTHING – has worked out the way I PLANNED it in my head and declared it with my mouth. I love it that my Father would laugh at me this way.
(Besides this whole journey), it’s this situation where my computer and Larry and the TV are all in the same room and what a room. It’s a very small dining room. Very small. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very thankful for this room. And did I say it was small. Well…it’s big enough for a small table and some chairs. It'll be perfect for Shan when she gets it back. But for me and Larry it's small. When you've been used to having all the space and you let some one in to that space then it can feel smaller than it is. A psychological sort of thing.
The TV is just a few – FEW – feet away. Last night I was listening to some music on the computer and THOUGHT I was listening through my headphones. Actually I guess the music was so loud that I was hearing it just fine THROUGH the headphones and only thought I was hearing through the headphones. I took them off for some reason and… could still hear the music and….could not hear the football game and….figured it out. I turned in my chair and apologized to Larry but he was OK – he just thought I wanted to hear the music and well…he knows I don’t care anything about the football so I he thought it was reasonable that I would just drown out the TV with the music. OK – it was just kinda funny at the time. But the irony is this – that on this journey I end up in the same room with Larry and the TV. There are those who understand the irony because for the last several years I have been trying to get Larry and his noise away from me and my noise. I consider my noise to be quieter than his noise and of course my noise is just preferable to me whatever it is. It’s my noise. I’m such a territorial person. I like what is mine and tend to be somewhat protective of mine. Hmmm
Pause for thought.
Anyway this little situation becomes just another element of a journey in which nothing – and did I say NOTHING – has worked out the way I PLANNED it in my head and declared it with my mouth. I love it that my Father would laugh at me this way.
And OHHHH is he laughing.
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