I've spent a couple of days pondering where we are. Two days ago we secured an apartment to live in. We'll be there at least a year. I couldn't get Larry to commit to 10 years. Image that. : )
His heart still wants a house and my heart doesn't really care anymore. I guess for his sake it's a good thing it's on the second floor or I'd probably be wanting to stay there for the rest of my life. The real deal is that God must be in control of that so if he doesn't push to go and I don't push to stay then God CAN be in control of it.
So I see us - Larry and I - this couple who have been standing on this bridge, looking over the side at the life happening - life that reaches up and touches us now and then - and now we turn and start walking toward the bottom of the bridge and we'll keep walking and walking further and further into this new land. Now we'll be a part of the life that's here and how that will look one can only speculate. Ok that would be me - Larry is not given to speculating on maybes.
There are things we both want to accomplish and hopefully there will now be opportunity for such things.
We'll paint the walls in this new place using colors that life us. We'll set up our own spaces and enjoy time together in our common space. Yes, we have concluded that personal space is good for both of us to have. We are who we are and no amount of understanding of who we are is going to make us less that. We're good with that.
You would think I'd feel elated and a part of me does. I'll miss my daughter and even the dogs and Elvis but I'm a woman like any other and I need my own kitchen, etc. I do really love this particular apartment even if doesn't have a gas stove. I'm happy that we got it. It's even right at the Lake. (Nope - can't see the lake.) But part of me is well....not. Not unhappy - just not elated. I'm trying to figure out the change in my emotional approach to events like this.
There is something quieter in my inner landscape. The rollercoaster is giving way to something more like a carousel or even something else.
It's been a long time since I've been to a water park but I remember being in a stream of moving water that went around the park. You could walk slowly with the current or get on an air mattress or whatever but the current kept moving you. You'd bump into people maybe, if it is busy, but mainly it was just a soft ride. In this stream that is my life I can know that Larry and I will always be there to bump up against each other. We have a way of finding each other's sharp edges and hard places - which are less and less all the time - but still we are in the stream together. I want to be in this stream with him. OK - yeah - there are some nice soft places to snuggle into also. ; )
I guess it's possible to make the stream exactly what one wants but would one have to be entirely alone to do that? Hmmmm That's not what I'm looking for at all.
I think that's probably a good description of how I feel on the inside as I think now of life and it's ups and downs. I no longer look for utopia or perfection or the "this is it" thing. OK - I did sort of try with the 10 year thing and maybe a part of me will keep trying. But I know now that whatever comes it is not "it". There is no "it". There is only today and what you have today and understanding that what you have today can disappear tomorrow so it's better not to have hope in any of the circumstances that you are presented with today. Receive them, enjoy them if you can, endure them if that's the best you can do but know that circumstances are not really in your control. That sounds kinda yuck but I don't feel yuck as I say it - just matter of fact. Maybe that's just my perception of life.
I did really suggest to Larry that we make a 10 year commitment to just living in this place. I cannot tell you how tired I am of moving and living with the idea that we can't make any plan that does not include some thought about tomorrow's changes. Let us remember however that nothing in this transition has gone the way I planned it so why should this.
But still the roller coaster that would have in the past begun to roar at the moment Larry very honestly said he couldn't/wouldn't make such a commitment never even turned over it's engine. I sat on the carousel for a little while but then I quietly and without fanfare found myself in the stream.
Interesting what 35 years of craziness can do for a person - if said person is looking in the right direction for help and answers and I did finally learn to look up. Look up. No matter what the sides are doing - even if they are undulating wildly - I can still look up. Yes I know this is scriptural, etc., etc., but God had to make this personal for me.
I'm not saying I won't spend some more time on the carousel but right now I'm in the stream. We'll paint and fix up and settle in and live kingdom life in that Dallas apartment and one day - maybe in a year (I'll sigh but I'll hope then that the moving if finally over) - maybe in four years (I'll sigh even bigger because that is the pattern I would so love to break but still it might mean that the moving is really over) - maybe in ten years (I'll sigh just because of the effort of moving but if we make it that long then surely we are buying that house that we will stay in till the end) we'll move into a house and that really will be the last move.
No comments:
Post a Comment