In the moment

I wonder if I can write this post.

Work is mostly done for the month so I sit here in the quiet of my little corner space where I am all alone. Sometimes I wish I were more a part of the life of this place but then I think maybe this was one of those little orchestrations of God to put me in a place where I - at least for a few days as month - have time and space and am locked down in a sense to a single spot so that my A D D self has to focus.

My thoughts are heavy today - it's been building up - this thought pool. I have felt it as negative thoughts have flitting across my mind - negative feelings wanting to find expression. I shoo them away but sooner or later I have to stop and think them and try to know why I'm thinking them and why my feelings are doing what they're doing and in this process to figure out if Father is trying to speak something to me or am I in intercession or both.

The garden of my little family is drawing my attention right now. That ever changing fractal.

Garden = Battleground.

War among the roses.

The fragrance of life mingles with the fragrance of death.

I'm not afraid of this feeling. In times past I would have been because of not trusting God to really care but now I know he does. But I wonder at God's orchestrations sometimes. Larry and I have been at times, in the lives of people younger than ourselves, what I would love for us to be to our own children. But then, at least in some cases, their parents aren't being what they need. God has provided for our daughter that one who can help her uproot some things and rearrange her personal garden. This is a person for her whereas for me it was a variety of teachers through books and tapes and videos and only the occasional human involvement. I can only hope that our son now has or at some point will have someone to help him with the work in his garden.

God sets the lonely in families doesn't he. And could it be that families - according to him - are actually made up differently than what we see in the natural. This is something I've pondered for years. We define family by these earthly boundaries but I wonder, and no doubt, they are real and to be observed but I do wonder if God is really seeing the same thing I'm seeing. Look anywhere in the Bible and you see that God is not necessarily functioning by the rules of family as he moves in the lives of people and places them where he wills as he works out his eternal purposes through natural avenues. It is difficult for my mother's heart to deal with this. That doesn't mean that I actually lose them but it means I don't get to be the ALL otherwise known as the mama. My goodness - my kids are in their 30s. You'd think I'd be over some of this by now. But I'm not. Ok, I'm over some of it. I'm definitely better. I'm sure this is just another layer being taken off.

This brings me to the real focal point of my thought pool. The big drip hitting the middle and sending the ripples out to the edges. (Boy I wish I had a picture for this!)

It's that saying - It's never too late. I call BS on that statement. Sometimes it is too late.

I cannot go back and be and do what I would have been and done had I known what to be and do. No parent can and for me nothing replaces that. My children will never be my babies again. I will never again have the chance to make THAT difference that the years of childhood are given for. If everything fell into place today and suddenly my family life became idyllic according to my definition of that, it would still not give me the memories I would like to have or the sense of accomplishment in this arena of life. It would not erase consequences of choices and decisions made that might have been made differently. My children would still have endured what to my mind is unnecessary pain. But is it unnecessary? I know from God's dealings with me and from my observing of those people in the Bible that suffering has great value in the kingdom. Suffering equates to precious jewels there. I accept that for me but I have trouble accepting for them.

Having said that I know that it's never to late to be as life giving to my children now as I'm able. The thing is - do they really want what I have to offer? Sometimes they do but sometimes they don't. And sometimes we have language barriers and other things that are very hard to overcome.

Sigh. By now I am fighting the battle with tears.

Ok - more processing. Take this thing apart and find the pattern.

The statements I just made are about ME. My LOSS in all this.

The pattern as I have observed it over the years is something like this...

• My spirit gets stirred as intercession for unseen/unknown issues begins. All I know is that my daughter has recently had some breakthroughs and communication with our son is at a standstill.
• My soul begins to FEEL the intercession. That intercession is very uncomfortable so my soul jumps in with it's crap because it can't stand to not be the center of attention.
• My mind gets distracted with thoughts that echo the feelings and I begin to focus on the things that are still issues with me like what I just said about it being too late, etc. In times past, when depression reigned supreme with all it's fears and lack of trust, this is the point at which I would begin to spiral down into the black hole of anger and despair.
• BUT TODAY - At this point I chuckled and that has forever been a sign of release within my spirit. It almost always happens at the point where I recognize the enemy in my soul. He only works effectively in the dark. When he is revealed then I can reject him and he looses.

Now, dear reader, please know that this is one post that I did not want to write. I did not want the door to be open. I did not want to let you in. I felt and still feel somewhat exposed in a way that I don't like. I have that feeling as though I have been in a great battle. I feel kind of tired. That is the effect of my own efforts for myself. I know that I will continue to carry this intercession for my children as long as Holy Spirit is redoing some things in the Garden.


It's one of the few times that I felt compelled to write and that the writing was more than just me working out my own issues. So let Holy Spirit be your teacher and counselor and take from this what matters to your life.

Here is hope. This is one of the good things I bring from my journey. Understanding that the new harvest begins in the detritus of the old season.