I'm a real employee now

Today is my first day as a Westdale employee. Makes me happy. I’m still in the “don’t pinch me, I don’t want to wake up” stage. I’m still amazed sometimes at how much I like this job. Being in a cubby of an office out of the mainstream does help some. I don’t hear whatever stuff might be out there. If work allows I’ll spend time with my ears in headphones listening to the radio or I’ll pull up You Tube and listen to Josh or Yanni. I listen to Bill O’Reilly quite a bit now. Imagine that. Such an ego but I have to agree with Larry about listening to these folks and things like NPR – you get perspectives that you wouldn’t think of yourself. Sometimes the news distresses me and when it does I just turn it off. I really love to hear Josh sign “You are loved” or “You raise me up”. Why don’t I bring a CD with me? I never think about it that’s why. They’re in the car even. I love me. At lunch I might watch movie trailers. Love that. Today I’m writing this in an email to send to myself and I will put it in my blog later. I just wanted to “feel” what I was writing about.

So back to that subject. Me at Westdale. I have this going for me. I went to work because I wanted to. After years of being in and out of temp jobs – trying not to work actually because I didn’t feel I had the grace for it, I came here with this determination in my heart – to go to work – to find a place for me in this realm. I have to admit that God’s choosing was better than mine would have been.

God always gets his mileage out a situation you know. I’ve been experiencing one of those times when the mind and the heart are not in sync with each other. I knew I was doing well here. Even last month with all the extra problems I held my own. I knew this. I fit in here and I knew this. But that part of me that was told as a child that I would never be good with numbers decided to speak loud these last three months. I have felt so intimidated because I’m in the midst of real Accountants and people who are truly talented with numbers. I thought I wouldn’t measure up. It has been a perverse sort of relief to see others make mistakes too. I guess when you’re dealing with millions of numbers a few of them are bound to find their way to someplace other than where you intended. But I love the way it’s handled when that happens. You just go find that number and put it where it belongs. Nobody blames anybody. And there are many ways to find the little critters. So that’s not really a problem.

I had a recognition moment though, when I was going to see the HR director yesterday. I realized that this whole time I’ve had this fear in me that somebody was going to say at some point that this just wasn’t working out. But nobody did. Unfounded fears born of words spoken unwisely before I knew how to reject them. Words spoken by people I would naturally believe. How often does that happen to us. Our enemy sets booby traps in our formative years that are meant to trip us up. Sometimes his plan succeeds. But Jesus came to destroy the enemy’s works and he will trip those wires in his way and in his time in order to set us free from them.

Thank you Father, for doing things the way that you do. Thank you for my job and my office with the yellow walls and the freedom that is available to me in that place.