The beginning of something new

( : Larry will be here soon. : )

I'm glad. I'm organizing the space so that when he comes there will be places for him. Pulling clothes out of the closet to make room for him. Shan has a small dining area that she's not really using yet so we'll put his TV there so that he can watch football and stuff. We'll have no shortage of TV's - three plus my computer where I use Netflix to watch movies and TV series. OK - they're not the new stuff that's out but as long as I haven't already seen it... Shan figures we'll all be happier if we each have our own TV. She's probably right about that - spoiled grown ups - I confess that I am anyway. Better not try to speak for them.

I look forward to having him here. I miss him. We have a life to live and neither one of us can totally live again till we are together. To do so would be to have to form something that excludes the other and that's definitely not what we want. Yuck. I've laid a ground work here but that's all. Life doesn't begin till we're together again.

A new bridge. Another transition within a transition. A bridge within a bridge. Or is it this - a garden within a garden. I like that thought. No so much a bridge this time but a garden. Something beautiful where a variety of beautiful things grow. I'm looking forward to seeing what this garden is going to look like. But no garden becomes its most beautiful with out being tended and cultivated. That's the work part and when we take relationships and changes within those relationships for granted and don't work at them and cultivate them then they don't become the thing of beauty that they can. Yes, I think that's what I'm seeing here - as we step off this bridge of transition we are stepping into a garden. WOW

We're all beginning to feel the changes already. It's in the air, so to speak. We're wise enough to be realistic tho. Finally. (therefore the personal TVs) This is probably one of the biggest changes being made in a life that has been constantly full of change. There are actually some major lifestyle changes going on. And that means more renegotiating of our relationships. I use the plural because this time there is some "family stuff" that is coming into the picture and our relationship with our daughter will be undergoing some renegotiating. Maybe even our son but it could be that it's Shan's time right now. I rejoice in this even though I know there are going to be some aspects of it all to deal with that will be hard. In times past we, as a family, were willing to look past some things - to just let things go and not deal with them but that doesn't work anymore. Well, I take that back sort of - there's many a family that have never gone below the surface of things to see what was really going on at the heart level. As hard as it is we want to do that. So I rejoice in it. I don't know how far we can go at this point - time will tell. Doesn't' matter really. Sometimes you just have to peel off the layers that you can and then allow time for some healing and growing. Then you get into another season of peeling layers.

Obviously I won't talk in any detail about these thing because these are our "treasures", gifts from Father to us and very precious. I share this much only in the hope of encouragement to whoever else might be in a place such as this with their relationships.

This is all that lifetime journey of transformation that I believe is what life in this time/space continuum is all about. Being transformed. Being made into the likeness of Jesus. And there is a level of understanding that will never come to us in this lifetime. I think of mine and Larry's parents that are already with the Lord (only his dad is still here) and what their level of understanding is. As I have processed my own life and experienced anger and such feelings toward my mom and dad it is actually a comfort to me to know that they understand where I am and what I'm feeling because my heart doesn't want to dishonor them but I can't get to answers that I need without being as honest as I can about the stuff of my life. I'm not angry anymore but there's so many things I wish I had worked out with them. But that was not to be. My hope is that Larry and I can work some things out with OUR children and not leave things unsaid and undone - not leaving them to figure things out after we're gone. We want to be a part of their healing. I believe God will grant us that and is giving us the opportunity to see it happen as we cooperate with what HE wants to do.

So even as I look realistically (I think/hope) at the new gardening season approaching I look to it with expectancy - not expectation - but with expectancy. Just trying to keep my heart open to just see what Father is going to grow in this garden.