Maybe one day....

Maybe one day I'll sit down and write about what a happy person I am and how all is right with my world. Now let me explain myself before you think I am sinking into the black hole of depression again. There are in my world things that are right and things that are ... well... not right at least according to me and my complete lack of ability to judge such things. Good things are happening for sure. Our house in KC has sold - just waiting to be sure all is still OK after the inspection - and we are discussing the next steps. I like that. Larry might not be sure sometimes because I'm so stinking deadpan about it all.

I think it's just something about the way my mind works - the way I see things around me. I think in pictures a lot so let me describe it this way.

I feel like I'm looking out over my life like looking out over a field that I or I guess it would be better to say Larry and I planted. As I look over this field I see that there are some very good plants growing strong and beautiful. Then I look in a different place and I see that something has made this other area sick. In this other area I see things growing and I know those are things that we didn't plant but they are in our field anyway so I have to deal with them.

So...as I said before the good things and the bad things are all happening at the same time. My problem is that I don't always live well in the place of "it is what it is". I do believe that "all things work together for the good of those..." but I guess I haven't come to the place of looking at the stuff and rejoicing in it and I probably need to get there. Perhaps one day I will and this is just where I am today as I am looking at my life from some different perspectives. I have spent too much time over the years thinking every thing was OK just because I was standing in the middle of some stuff that was growing well at the moment and then being plunged into despair when something went wrong. All you have to do is step away from the healthy plants and you come face to face with one of those other areas or you turn back to see that what was growing so well is now wilted. Sounds depressing doesn't it. Well, don't worry, I'm not depressed. I'm not mad at God or afraid. I feel kinda weary at the moment but other than that I don't know what to call it. It just stays with me and I keep thinking I should be elated at the things that are happening and I am happy but experience reminds me that the good things are not isolated things. It's like I just can't get my mind off the bigger picture.

Larry and I will, within the next few months probably, start our new life here. It's what I've wanted for a long time but I know that are more things to be dealt with and worked out and there will be adjustments to be made in many areas. None of this can be taken lightly - as least not by me. I am not geared that way.

Maybe it can be compared with helping someone give birth since that has come into the mix of all this already. I feel like I'm standing by watching and being sure that all goes well so I can't get caught up in the emotion of the moment.

Maybe this is the understanding I'm trying to get to. There is one label I've always been comfortable with and that is intercessor. Maybe that's what I'm feeling these days. Maybe I'm carrying this thing like a baby as my friend saw in her dream. I don't know for sure but I do relate to this description.

Yeah - I think that's what it is. I'll be fine.