Well, maybe not

About 1:00 yesterday I was wanting to crawl back into bed and curl up in a ball. The wonderful elation I felt last night was so gone. At about 8:30 Shan suggested we go get ice cream and watch a movie. We did. I was so happy last night (see my last post if you haven't already) about being connected to the internet. I got up this morning and it was gone. Wouldn't work. I spent hours - literally the whole day - on the phone with the providers of the wireless equipment trying to figure it out and I don't think it's going to work. There may be one other option but it will cost more money and then there is what has been wasted already. I really don't know if I have the heart to even care right now.

Isn't that the way it goes sometimes. So many disappointments since I've started this little journey. So many almosts - sort of like the big ones that got away. But good things too. The good things are the intangibles like the connection with my children and some things I see there. And just being here in the warmth and sunshine rather than in KC with it's stormy weather and I don't know what the temperatures are like now but it was another winter that didn't seem to want to leave.

I'm not without hope that doors will open. This sort of thing is just part of it. But right now my thoughts are dark. Right now for me it is very hard not to regret the last 12-15 years. There was a time when we had a house I loved, a job and possibilities of an actual career of my own. I wish I had understood then how valuable those things were to me. For the life of me I can't really don't see why we had to live this life that has moved us from place to place every few years. I guess God has had his reasons and what ever the kingdom has gained from this - well - that's a good thing and one thing I finally figured out is that the good things in our lives and the bad things in our lives are all happening at the same time. You can't lose sight of the good things and think that every thing is bad just because a few things are going wrong - at least according to you wrong.

I just feel so very tired right now and I'm not going forward and I'm not able to go back. But I will keep trying to go forward into what ever may be there. It may not be what I originally hoped for but I know that I still have to go forward.

It's like I keep going from one thing to another that in times past would have thrown me into darkness and I have to work my way through them. It's funny - this thing with the computer has been one of the biggest deals of all. This NOT getting connected to the internet on my own computer has been a big deal for me. It's one of the biggest disappointments so far.

But I'll get over it I'm sure. There are some things I can't do easily and so I've been just not doing them and maybe I won't. Maybe they'll just go back on hold. Whatever - there are other things that I can do.

If you made it all the way through reading this depressing post - thanks for listening - and sorry you had to deal with this one. But it's part of my open door policy. This is the way I feel this time. Sad, frustrated and yes even depressed. But not without hope and a willingness to trust my Father rather than get mad at him. Through it all I've found him to be a good a faithful Father who can be trusted.