Finding Myself

Let me see if I can articulate what is happening to me - the deeper stuff that God is trying to get to on this bridge.

When I was in junior high I heard a lot of the expression "I'm trying to find myself". I really didn't have a clue what these kids my age were talking about. One of the symptoms of depression is not living in the reality of life. The mind develops an escape mechanism. Disassociation is an escape mechanism. I didn't go that far but I lived in a world of daydreams and novels and stories and that never really dealt with the realities of the life I was living. And please don't think that my life was something bad that I needed to escape from. My parents were good people and my life was much like any other kid. Plenty of good things to remember. I just wasn't present and accounted for in it.

Depression was something that came down my family lines on both sides in various expressions. In my journey of understanding "how I got here" (in depression as an adult) the understanding of daydreaming as a symptom of depression came my way out of the blue. A friend of ours that had read a lot on psychology just off handedly mentioned daydreaming as a symptom of depression. She was actually talking about herself and had no clue what that meant to me. I thought "I really have been depressed ALL MY LIFE". And this was BEFORE God's big reveal in the mid 90's.

As a depressed kid I just sort of floated through life laughing and playing not really looking for anything, taking things for granted. In jr. high and high school it was the same. I had one friend and I hung out with her and ALL HER friends. I never considered them my friends. She had a lot of friends and cast a big enough shadow for me to hide in. She told me recently that she did think I was "different" then but she did always love me and made room for me in her life. Thanks Debi Lynn for covering me when I needed it. So I graduated with no real plans in mind - got married and became mother and then mother again and fell into my roles like a good girl. Depression was intense in these years as suddenly I found myself in the adult world having to deal with adult stuff and I was definitely NOT an adult.

It took years for me to catch up with time. I always felt like I was missing about five years. I finally got some of that conquered and I don't remember if that was before or after my children left home but I can say for sure that when they left I was not ready. I wasn't dealing with the stuff of their lives any better than I had dealt with the stuff of mine. I was competent and functional but never quite sure what to do with life itself and couldn't figure out why it wouldn't work. Sometimes I turned to God and sometimes I was mad at him. Well, even in my anger and fear he was the one I turned to. I did try to turn away once and quickly discovered that he was my life and breath. I didn't try that again and don't want to.

Back to the story. For about 13 years now Larry and I have been empty-nesters but we also have been moving from place to place for different reasons. The last place was Kansas City. It was there that God was able to reach into some of the deepest places in me and set me free to begin to grow. Larry understood his need to release me and did so. We didn't know what was happening or where things were going but we did begin to see that I needed to find MY place. That's what I'm talking about - "finding myself". All my life I have been somebody else's something. Debi's friend, Daddy's little girl, Larry's wife, my children's mom - I was not present and accounted for in all of this. As I began to find ME I found it harder to be in a life that did not seem to be mine. Our moving has always seemed to me to be about Larry and though there have been places for me IN that life - it wasn't my life. I had never made myself a real part of the decision making process about where we were going and how and when. I did what I thought I was supposed to do. According to the Christian traditions I had been taught he was supposed to be the leader and I was to follow. I'm not saying we wouldn't have done those same things but I do believe there would have been some significant differences along the way. There was a piece that was missing always and we didn't realize it.

I left Kansas City running. Not trying to leave my husband but leaving that life to find MY life. When two people marry BOTH need to have something to bring to the table and I never, NEVER brought my piece. So now I am finding that piece and when we get resettled in our real home which is Dallas we will again have to negotiate relationship based on the new me. And in the process Larry will find new pieces of himself because he will be able to.

There is a blog that I go to sometimes lately and the lady writing that blog speaks into some of the things that I am searching out. I love the way she writes and processes. If anyone is interested in reading some more about these relationship issues I would recommend her blog and here is the link:http://livewithdesire.typepad.com/live_with_desire/womanhood/index.html

I love my God very much and I love that through ALL the stuff of my life he has had this goal - to give me freedom to be. He is relentless and cannot be put off by us no matter what we say or do. We get so caught up in the idea that we must be doing things for him and getting into his plans that we fail to see that WE are what HE is doing.