Something God said

OK - ONE of the things that God has said to me along this healing journey. In fact one of the most freeing things he ever said. Let me get this in context of time and circumstances.

We had moved into the house in KC. For the first six months in KC I was fine. We were renting a house and then we bought ours. I really didn't want that house but it was what we could do and it seemed that it was the thing that God had made available to us. It needed a lot of work that I didn't want to have to do for it to become a house that we would enjoy living in. And I think I felt trapped once we had actually bought a place. I quickly went into one of the worst times of depression ever. I think it lasted about 9 months before I even started coming up. God was very good to me during that time. I know that he either purposed to use that time to get to deep places in me or he (being the great opportunist that he is) just made full use of it. So he led me into a number of different opportunities to get some prayer and teaching and ministry of different sorts. What I love the most tho are the times when he just speaks something to me - something that is truth applied to a lie at work in my soul. That's when things happen for real.

So I was sitting in my living room. Just sitting I think and he said "I'm not trying to fixt you. This may be the best response you can ever have toward life". A short sentence that brought with it a book's worth of understanding.
When he said that to me I understood that he was saying that this was the best that I - I - could do. In my humanity, the broken places of me, just the particular mental and emotional makeup of me - I may not ever be able to respond to life with that smiling optimism that some people greet it with. I also understood that THAT was OK with HIM. He wasn't asking me to be anything else. He wasn't trying to fix me - you know the way Christians have of trying to "fix things that are wrong" (wrong according to what? It's what I did too.) Years of guilt and condemnation rolled off of me in that moment. I don't really know if I can describe adequately how I felt. I've got tears right now just thinking about the gift he gave me at that moment. All my RELIGIOUS ideas about wholeness and acceptableness began to cave in and implode. I didn't just come flying out of depression at that moment but I can tell you that from that moment on I saw myself differently. I saw myself as being OK and acceptable just as I was. Even if nothing ever changed I was still OK and acceptable to him.

But something did change. I think that was the moment that real progress began to be made because instead of wondering why I didn't get "healed" or "delivered" from depression I began to learn how to make it subject to me instead of the other way around - how to recognize the signs and symptoms like I did the other night - how to meet it head on and be in charge of it. I learned how to overcome it rather than being overcome by it. This was a journey in itself. None of this happened right away but when I stopped trying to make the thing that WASN'T GOING TO HAPPEN happen and started moving toward life things really did begin to change.

It would be something like this at first. Something would happen or Larry and I would have a conversation (dare I say argument?) that would trigger it. The fallout might even last a couple of days but the freedom to "be" allowed me to examine what was really happening instead of getting even more depressed about being depressed. Larry and I would talk through stuff. I was having to help him understand the changes that were taking place in my thinking. It was hard for him to trust and he would react defensively sometimes. In time tho he began to understand how to talk to me (and not for the first time either) and help me talk my way back to reason and calmness. It has gotten better and easier over time.

Can I just say here that once Larry understood that the problem was DEPRESSION (back in the '90s) that he has been willing to walk this out with me and talk and talk and talk. For years even. Sometimes he's hit a wall but that usually had the effect of making me push myself a little harder because I know that other people can only take so much. He told me yesterday that I should have called him even tho it was the middle of the night. Thanks Honey for always being there.

So when that happened the other night and I recognized the pattern I did what Father has taught me to do. I dis-empowered it. I didn't deny it or try to act like it wasn't happening but I looked it in the face and spoke about it - bringing it to light and deliberately choosing to NOT be in agreement with it but to CHOOSE to trust my Father.

One thing I want to make sure of is that you know it wasn't the job or the car that I was getting upset or obsessing about. Stress and mental tiredness open doors to other issues that really matter to my heart. I also want to be sure you know that I never got THAT bad - not worse than losing a nights sleep. Did go to sleep about two hours before get up time. Other than that I've been fine.

So maybe in this new chapter of my life I do need to learn to talk to more people. But I've pretty well taught myself not to do that. Larry can deal with it because he lived with it for years. The few times I let down my guard it wasn't good for the relationships we had with people involved. Because I tend toward fear and anger the expression has been ugly (I think I wouldn't be so ugly now) and people don't need to get vomited on and I have found that most often people don't know what to do with someone who is not rational and depression is not rational. If you are ever dealing with a depressiac (my word for it) remember that it does NOT respond to reason. A depressed person is in their own reality and you may shut them down with your words but you will NOT convince them that they're wrong. You more likely will alienate them. Anyway - a short lesson on dealing with depressed people.

The moral of this story is - life is what life is and everybody has a different response to it and God is a good and faithful father who can be trusted.