So, little girl, what do you want to be when you grow up??????????
That question continues to ring in my head like a tune recently heard and not easily discarded.
Hmmmm, I say to myself. Could it be that this question is one my Daddy is asking me. My heavenly Daddy? You know, I've been a Christian for 33 years and only now do I feel comfortable calling him Daddy. Hey, it was a pretty big move to go from God to Father. But I don't do these things because it sounds good - I have to know that I know that I feel it deep within me. I consider this a great progression as I understand that he really wants us to come to him as little children. I am only just now at that point.
So again - the question rings - what do I want to be when I grow up.
WELL, I think I have an answer to that now.
I want to be an artist and to bring artistic expression into all that I do. I want to live in the world of art and history and museums and literature and philosophy. I don't mean that it's a big deal to me whether I'm a money maker or not. Money seldom motivates me so if I talk about selling something it's really because I'm competitive enough to want to know if what I do is as good as the next guy. But ideas of success aside art is the area I would like to walk in - just like some do in business and some do in the military.
I don't see this as any kind of contradiction to my life as a Christian either. If God is all in all then these things are all expressions of Him in the earth. Depends on the person - not the vocation so much.
How hard this is at 50+. My mind is largly untrained and undisciplined. The axons I have grown are for other activities and thought processes. It's hard to be beginning again - now - to do those things that are so much easier as a child. When you're a child you can work at a child's level and every thing you do is great. When you are a chronological adult and you do things that are on a child's level it's discouraging. And it's just hard to change habits.
Why didn't my parents see this and train me up in such things? Well, I am not and was not as a child one of those extremely focused and driven ones so I doubt that such a desire seemed anything more than just passing childish fancy. Like playing with cars turned out to be. Our home was not filled with artistic things or music that I remember much (although Mom and Dad had some old albums that we had great fun with as young teenagers). I do remember Dad mentioning Dr Spock and I think they took his teachings way too much to heart. You know, those ideas about letting children just grow up without too much instruction. So I'm sure that if I, as a child, had been one of those that found my own way to do such things I would have grown more in these areas. We did have good books in the house and that was my outlet - the unreal world. It was so much easier there.
So now I am here today and I have the choice of just setting it all down and just being what I've become which would be much easier - and not at all bad - or I can set my face to just continue in my slow, meandering way to become.
I choose the latter. It's an uphill battle full of disappointments and frustrations. But HEY - If I live to be 100 then what's 5 years given to the recapturing of a childhood that got lost.
That question continues to ring in my head like a tune recently heard and not easily discarded.
Hmmmm, I say to myself. Could it be that this question is one my Daddy is asking me. My heavenly Daddy? You know, I've been a Christian for 33 years and only now do I feel comfortable calling him Daddy. Hey, it was a pretty big move to go from God to Father. But I don't do these things because it sounds good - I have to know that I know that I feel it deep within me. I consider this a great progression as I understand that he really wants us to come to him as little children. I am only just now at that point.
So again - the question rings - what do I want to be when I grow up.
WELL, I think I have an answer to that now.
I want to be an artist and to bring artistic expression into all that I do. I want to live in the world of art and history and museums and literature and philosophy. I don't mean that it's a big deal to me whether I'm a money maker or not. Money seldom motivates me so if I talk about selling something it's really because I'm competitive enough to want to know if what I do is as good as the next guy. But ideas of success aside art is the area I would like to walk in - just like some do in business and some do in the military.
I don't see this as any kind of contradiction to my life as a Christian either. If God is all in all then these things are all expressions of Him in the earth. Depends on the person - not the vocation so much.
How hard this is at 50+. My mind is largly untrained and undisciplined. The axons I have grown are for other activities and thought processes. It's hard to be beginning again - now - to do those things that are so much easier as a child. When you're a child you can work at a child's level and every thing you do is great. When you are a chronological adult and you do things that are on a child's level it's discouraging. And it's just hard to change habits.
Why didn't my parents see this and train me up in such things? Well, I am not and was not as a child one of those extremely focused and driven ones so I doubt that such a desire seemed anything more than just passing childish fancy. Like playing with cars turned out to be. Our home was not filled with artistic things or music that I remember much (although Mom and Dad had some old albums that we had great fun with as young teenagers). I do remember Dad mentioning Dr Spock and I think they took his teachings way too much to heart. You know, those ideas about letting children just grow up without too much instruction. So I'm sure that if I, as a child, had been one of those that found my own way to do such things I would have grown more in these areas. We did have good books in the house and that was my outlet - the unreal world. It was so much easier there.
So now I am here today and I have the choice of just setting it all down and just being what I've become which would be much easier - and not at all bad - or I can set my face to just continue in my slow, meandering way to become.
I choose the latter. It's an uphill battle full of disappointments and frustrations. But HEY - If I live to be 100 then what's 5 years given to the recapturing of a childhood that got lost.
This is very painful processing today - for me it seems that facing an old habit and choosing a new one is always painful. Ok - the more I do it the less painful it gets. I'm thankful for this blog/journal/personal diary sort of thing that I do. I feel much better than I did when I started writing. Funny - I could never get this same release with a notebook and pen.
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