Changes on the inner landscape

Funny how an inner landscape can change from one day to the next. I got about my business of rearranging things in the garage and preparing one of the sheds to hold our stuff and the day seemed to be just a normal day and then there was something that happened - not worth describing because this isn't about that - just the kind of thing that happens but it seems to have tapped into something in me and something that has been nagging at me for a while rose to the surface and while I am still in anticipation of the changes to come I am also not feeling the same sort of anticipation that I have in the past. My thoughts just are not the same. Things that used to matter don't seem to matter now. This may be good or it may be bad. Or maybe there's no need to label it either way. I realize this is not really a sudden change. I have felt it creeping up. It very noticeable in my photography as I've felt myself becoming less and less inspired to do things. I hardly feel like writing anything these days. It's kind of like there is a big blank. When I think about living in a house eventually I find that I don't care whether we rent or buy or even whether the walls are painted or not. I find myself wanting to retreat into reclusiveness - to find a place where I'm all alone. On the surface of me I have been going right along as always but vaguely aware of this other going on in the background.

I was laying in my bed thinking about that change in my inner landscape and actually felt alarmed. Color means so much to me that to not really care whether it's there or not actually worries me some. Photography and writing mean a lot and for the inspiration to leave is bothersome. I find myself wondering about what Father is doing in me. Things like this are not random. It is from our inner most being that we express and if we learn to notice what is going on there then the expression that is coming out of us can make more sense and we can understand better what God is doing in our lives. As least I attribute such things to what he's doing in my life. That 's why I say nothing's random. There are no "just coincidences". Father is in the business of transforming us and everything is part of that process.

So perhaps my canvas is going blank. The colors that were there are not the colors for the next expression and I don't know what that expression is going to be so I don't know what colors to use. There is a place in the transforming process that IS sort of a blank. It's that place where you are no longer what you were but you are not yet what you are becoming. There are still many changes on the horizon before Larry and I settle into some kind of stability. Perhaps I must wait and see what colors those changes paint onto my canvas. I don't like the sound of that. I don't sense in that thought any choices for me. But maybe there is. Yeah there can be choices for me but right now I just don't know what they are.

Maybe this is what's happening - maybe I am actually living in the reality of the present moment instead of the fantasies of what if and maybe and this is what I want. That's not a bad thing but it's a place I'm not accustomed to. I'm used to making plans and trying out different ideas. I'm used to having a head full of that kind of stuff. My head is not full of anything right now.

Well, whatever it is it feels kinda yucky but I think there will be some good come from it eventually.