finding answers

You know...everybody has different ideas about fasting. Some people are very precise about how they do it. I'm not. And for me it seldom has to do with food. There are times when I find myself in a place with God and I sort of lose interest in food but that's about the extent of my giving up food.

But I do fast - usually I am giving up something that I want because God sees to it that I can't HAVE what I want - at least not WHEN I want it.

I first experienced this with understanding about 1998(?). At that time our little family was undergoing some very heavy things, Larry and I were with a company that moved us around the country some, we had a home in Plano at the time and had stayed there while Larry built a hotel in Irving. We were getting ready to leave again to live in Virginia for a while and I wanted so much to get my little family together for a meal before we left. I could see that it wasn't going to happen. We were pretty broken at the time - individually and as a family and it just wasn't going to happen. I began to go into one of my emotional spirals into depression because of it. Again I was angry with God because MY life wasn't being what I wanted it to be and I always got mad at him about these things. (We'll overlook the fact, for the moment, that I had my share of making what it was.) But I picked up a book called Hunger for God to read because the word FAST kept going through my mind. Maybe Larry suggested the book, I don't remember. Anyway I had tried to fast as I thought it should be done and could NOT. So I picked up this book, read a few pages or paragraphs, I don't remember which but not much, and suddenly I understood that I was fasting my family.

Through the process of fasting my family I was able to see at least some of what I was doing. God used the fasting process to drive me into searching for the answer. Some answers are very, very, very hard to get to because they are hidden so far inside of us and sometimes the revealing of ourselves as we are can cause us to feel embarrassed and even humiliated to realize that we are THAT. When that happens our mind will oblige us by rationalizing the truth away.

But that experience and what God was able to show me in it has helped me to process other times of not being able to have what I want. It is always about me seeing me as he sees me and allowing him to transform me into a better likeness of him. I don't know about you but this is a long journey for me. It's taking my lifetime.

So I experienced that process again this week.

Monday morning bright and early the staffing agency called with a two week job. It was pretty much everything I'm not looking for - wrong pay scale, wrong part of town, wrong position. Otherwise it's a good place to work. I took it because I knew I needed to get started with working somewhere. But my mind was not helping me any. By Tuesday I was becoming afraid that I had no real value in the working world. I've had a few near misses. Went on an interview for a job that would have been great even for four days but I didn't get it. I was beginning to realize over the past few of weeks that I probably would have to get into temp work at least for a while as a means of getting where I'm trying to go - and to make SOME money. Again, not what I really wanted to do. So I was beginning to think that this was the definition of me. I was beginning to feel depression feelings that I have not felt in a while. This is a big deal for anyone who has struggled with the sense of your own worth. I would say that pretty much (too much to go into) most of what has constituted my adult life has reinforced the idea that I don't really have much value.

But a couple of years ago God said I did. And this year God said I did. But these two events had to do with the spiritual realm or ministry stuff. Now after working my way through this weeks FAST I understand that he is trying to get to this place in my mind that is determined to define me by my circumstances. Over and over in my mind the lord has said "Ann, you just have to start where you start". So I have settled my mind that I am getting into HIS plan and HE will get me where I'm going.

To get where I'm going is going to require becoming.

I can't say that at this moment I feel elated and free and transformed and all that. No, actually, there is always in the back of my mind this low level anxiety about everything and how it's all going to work out.

But I think I have learned how to embrace the journey with all it's highs and lows and even it's painful times. That's what I'm doing. I believe that everything that is causing anxiety in me will be addressed by Father at the proper time.

On a brighter note------I am going to Kansas City to visit my HUSBAND and my spiritual family there and some friends. I'm sooooo looking forward to that! And I need to go pack.